Sources close to Sonic the Hedgehog report that the speedy Sega mascot relapsed into cocaine use following widespread panning of the hedgehog’s latest film trailer.
Friends say that the usually-lovable game character started texting and Skyping friends around 2:30 am. Co-star Knuckles Echidna reported that Sonic “looked like he was wearing a snow mask, like he’d just snorted the first base line at Dodgers Stadium. And he was way more lively than a 27 year old hedgehog should be, if you get what I’m saying.”
According to Encyclopedia Britannica, most hegdehogs generally live no longer than five years.
The trailer for the Jeff Fowler-directed feature starring Sonic and Jim Carrey was released yesterday and spawned an immediate internet backlash over the preposterous nature of the film as well as Sonic’s “human teeth”. Friends report the Hedgehog grew increasingly defensive and despondent as the hours passed. Sonic was seen leaving the Sega office in Burbank at about 6:40pm. Friends report not hearing from him again until he started making cell contact sometime well after midnight.
“Sonic got really sensitive about the human-looking teeth comments, but this … I didn’t expect it to go like this” reports longtime friend Dig Dug, whom Sonic called at 3:10am asking if Dig Dug would like to accompany him on a “booty run”.
“When they started talking about making this picture, Sonic went out and spent thirty grand on that grill, he thought the teeth looked really great. And it as a big life change for him, getting those teeth grinded down to look like that only to have people just absolutely hate it … it seemed like it really took a toll on the old fella’s psyche.”
Dig Dug told a reporter “that little varmint did a bump of coke right off the end of his joystick while we were Skyping. I didn’t even know how to respond to that.”
Sonic previously entered a rehab in late 2000, two years after his then-last game (Sonic Adventure) and shortly before Sega announced the end of their ventures into making game consoles in 2001. In recent years, he’d spoken more openly about his history with addiction and began producing anti-drug PSAs.
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