Spokesman D.R. Everend said “Clearly, we would have been more careful about the words we chose if we had only realized that people who did not find ISIS to be chock-full of dreamy superstuds with giant, throbbing, well-oiled members would be reading.”
Trudeau says he is deeply embarrassed by the photos, which “regrettably” depict the Prime Minister dressed and behaving like a white man with normal testosterone levels.
“Knowing that a star of Dinklage’s stature was going to be present ahead of time, we were able to put intel out in advance and net three of these dwarf-trafficking bastards,” said Chief Constable Hamilton. “Today we made it a little bit safer for a few little people.”
Researchers believe the shrimp might stop testing positive for cocaine if local police were to develop a more environmentally friendly policy of leaving the meth supply intact.
The report dooms those of us who were really, really relying upon such an event to lay waste to humanity on this stupid planet to continue waiting for global warming, nuclear winter, aliens, large kaiju-type monsters, or a meteoric event to mercifully wipe out mankind.
“They’ll swim in right up close to the beach and it’s like a buffet there for them. They seem to prefer smallish people, mostly children, because they see them as defenseless prey.”