PYEONCHANG, South Korea — Team USA was humbled by another shootout, this time at the 2018 Winter Olympics, where the American men’s hockey team was eliminated from competition following a 3-2 loss to the Czech Republic. The loss was just the latest in a long string of shootout losses for the Americans.
Team USA Coach Tony Granato was stunned by the loss.
“There’s a lot of competition here, but you kind of think, we’re American and we can coast this, we can do this. And we do, we roll along just fine for a while, then bam! It’s another shootout, and Team USA just doesn’t have a great track record with shootouts lately,” Granato explained.
The weary Americans, reeling from another recent loss, were outshot 29-20 by the Czech team..
“You’d think the Americans would get to take all the shots. That’s how it usually works, right? But that’s not how it works in international play,” said one coaching assistant. “They get to take shots, too. It really levels the playing field.”
“I just don’t get it. We’ve practiced this. We’ve prepared and prepared and prepared some more. We’ve talked about it, we’ve lined up the X’s and the O’s . But where has it gotten us? Team USA keeps getting involved in shootouts, and we keep losing. I’m not sure what it is we’re doing wrong,” Coach Granato groused.
WASHINGTON — US military and intelligence officials announced Monday their intent to place more armed guards around opium poppy fields in Afghanistan after a weekend raid at a lower-security location left one field ravaged.
US armed forces have been providing armed security at poppy fields in the war-torn nation since 2002, a period during which production of the opium poppy in the region has reached an all-time high.
“It only makes good sense to provide the highest level security for such a valuable and vulnerable resource,” said CIA officials in a memorandum on the heightened security and surveillance of the fields. “Leaving this particular field exposed was an oversight based in misreading our own collected intelligence. It is not in the best interest of the region nor of US military operations to leave such an asset unguarded.”
The CIA places the loss to Afghani farmers caused by the weekend invasion to be near $1.5 million, calling the loss “unacceptable”.
During a Friday telephone interview, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey confided that the popular social networking site has shored up their most popular user, US President Donald Trump, with an exclusive contract running through 2024.
According to Dorsey, the contract maintains that the President’s personal and professional communications via social networking will come exclusively through Twitter, although it allows that assistants may tweet through his account or summarize his words on other social networking sites that carry the President’s name and likeness.
The financial terms were not completely clear, although Dorsey stated that the contract will pay the President “about $6.5 million base per annum” for exclusive use of the website, with bonuses for Tweets exceeding twelve per day and other added content, leaving the total value of the contract indeterminable.
Dorsey replied to the obvious question — that the president has signed a financially lucrative commercial contract while serving in the nation’s highest office — by stating that specific lawyers had been brought in during the negotiation process to assure that the contract was legal and did not violate any existing law. Dorsey said that the laws were worked around in part by placing the money in an escrow-style account pending the president’s departure from office, after which he will be able to collect the full balance of the nearly $50 million base contract plus whatever bonuses President Trump might be able to accrue by posting added content.
“This was a tough contract because of the legal ramifications,” Dorsey maintained. “But it was something that we felt we needed to do. In spite of the constant calls for (Twitter) to remove the president’s account, he’s been really remarkable for our business and our product. Can you think of the last day that each and every news did not mention our product? I can assure you, it was before Donald Trump captured the nation’s attention. So it was tough, but we crossed the T’s, this is 100% legal for both Twitter and for the President. This should present no conflict of interest.”
The contract assures that the president will have access to his account — and the ears and eyes of the American people — through the end of his presidency.
“We’ll look into the same type of contract with the incoming president when President Trump leaves office in 2024,” Dorsey stated.
Twitter is currently listed as the 13th largest website in the world, and is valued at nearly $16 billion. The site peaked at $40 billion in value in 2013 but had shrunk to less than $10B as recently as February 2016.
“Twitter’s rebound has largely hinged around Trump’s larger-than-life presence,” Dorsey reported, pointing to a 2017 report that stated that the president was worth $2B in value to the site.
“$6M or $7M is a pretty small price to pay to protect that kind of value,” Dorsey stated, adding “and it’s probably for the best that we keep the president off of Instagram.”
Angry protesters in Seattle and Portland have announced plans to protest President Trump’s withdrawal from the Paris Climate Agreement.
The president announced on Thursday that the US was withdrawing from the agreement, a multinational accord designed to combat global warming.
Organizers have decided that protests — which routinely devolve into street fires, property destruction, and other chaos — are the best way to let the President know how they feel about a cleaner planet and sustainable energy sources.
“I really feel that a pile of burning underwear and garbage in the middle of Portland is the best way to let this idiot president know how committed we are to a cleaner planet,” said Liz Stockman, a protester who buses in from northern California to join the regularly scheduled protests.
“It’s disgusting the way they let factories just pump pollutants into the air so they can have whatever they want,” Stockman said.
Seattle mayor Ed Murray says he plans to attend the protests in Seattle.
“I have lots of paperwork to burn,” said Murray. “Not to mention, the imminent destruction of everything our city’s businesses and residents hold dear is a perfectly viable alternative to whatever this president is doing. His policies are dangerous.”
Neither city has immediate plans to dispatch police to either protest.
“It’s best to just let nature take its course,” Murray said.
Noted Cuban asshole Fidel Castro has passed away at the age of 90.
Castro was the ruling president and supreme asshole of Cuba for nearly 50 years. A revolutionary, Castro came to power in 1959 after overthrowing Fulgencio Batista, under whom Castro himself had previously been imprisoned. After the coup, Castro embraced Communism and quickly formed allegiances with Russian leaders, bringing the Cold War to the Western hemisphere and assuring that the Russians would subsidize the island nation for decades to come. With this came brutal relations with the US, which culminated in an invasion at the Bay of Pigs in 1961 as well as numerous assassination plots. The Russian deal crumbled under Russian president Mikael Gorbachev, who abandoned communism in the late 1980s, and in turn, abandoned Cuba and Castro. Without Russian support, Cuba became economically challenged. As a result of the challenges, the island nation of Cuba became bitter, burning bridges, cutting all ties with Cuba’s total bitch of a mom, sleeping in the backs of cars and rummaging around in dumpsters for food and clothing.
Castro pressed deeper into communism through the 1990s, often imprisoning defectors and punishing those who accumulated material possessions.
“The PNR (national police) would come down hard if they learned you owned anything your neighbor might not have,” said Miguel Fernández. “One time they searched me and asked if I had anything to declare. ‘Only my own misery’ I replied. I was imprisoned for one year for owning something that my neighbor might not own. In Cuba, the Regime owns all, even your misery.”
A totalitarian, Castro sated crowds with social programs and desegregation while the regime controlled every aspect of commerce and welfare and ultimately each citizen’s life. Largely because Castro was such a complete fucking dick, Cuba became increasingly isolated, and life became desperate for Cuba’s citizens. As his health deteriorated, however, Fidel appeased the masses once again by stepping down and passing the title of supreme asshole on to his brother Raúl in 2006.
Castro has been praised in recent years by socialist and communist sympathizers in the US, including Senator Bernie Sanders and Shaun King, both of whom are better noted for their compassion than their intellect.
However, his memory is best served to the Cubans who had defected to the US over the years. Cubans in the Little Havana District of Miami celebrated in the streets at the news of the demise of the Cuban dictator.
“Castro was an asshole of the highest order,” said Raúl Medina, who defected to the US in 2006. “I hope he rots in hell. That fucking dick oversaw death and pestilence, but chose the state over the people.”
“I miss my family every day,” said Antonio Arguello, a 2012 defector, “but it has been worth it, not seeing them, so that I could have a chance at life, any life at all.”
“He wasn’t so bad,” said Rick Beavers, a local college student who came to Miami to protest the celebrations.
“These people don’t the difference between socialism and state capitalism. It’s like, gosh,” reported Beavers.
Castro will be cremated according to his own wishes. Several Cuban citizens have come forward to offer to assist in the procedure.
According to a November 12 press release from inside the Kremlin, Russian President Vladimir Putin has been practicing his “shocked face” in the mirror for 15 minutes each morning, just in case he is fired by Donald Trump during season one of Superpower Apprentice.
According to the release, Putin — considered a favorite in the globally televised reality event — has “mirror poses” penciled into his agenda book from 7:25am through 7:40am daily. His press secretary revealed that he has been practicing a variety of poses, from shocked and disappointed to “smug as a bug”. The release did not detail if this posing session coincides with or is addition to his regularly scheduled morning poses. Reportedly, the former KGB agent routinely poses in front of a mirror to check himself for skin disorders, muscle tone, bicep and pectoral size, and evenness of tan.
This release comes in concert with numerous other recent reports that several world leaders have been practicing their smiles, intonation, and posture for the program, as well as preparing their reactions in the inevitable event that most of their tenures on the show will be terminated by reality-star-turned-president Donald Trump. According to Superpower Apprentice producer Mark Burnett, a termination notice on season one will result in the nation of the “Loser Leader” (as Mr. Trump has dubbed them) to be subject to any level of zany economic sanctions, embargos, or military action. The individual actions for each “Loser Nation” will be determined by the spin of a large, colorful wheel.
Among the reports that attracted most of the interest until now, German Chancellor Angela Merkel insisted she would continue to “look mostly indifferent, regardless of any benefit or penalty to Germany”, while North Korea’s Kim Jong Un insists that he will smile.
“We have been waiting for a very long time to lose,” the Korean leader bragged.
“Superpower Apprentice is a real chance to show the world who the leaders are, our strengths, and our standing in the world. Depending on how each national leader plays the game, it is an opportunity to find favor and sympathy around the globe,” an Israeli press release stated. Benjamin Netanyahu has not made himself available for a personal comment, which many believe is because he is not scheduled to appear on season one of the program.
The United States’ immediate neighbors were curiously missing from the season one roster. Canadian prime Minister Justin Trudeau, who recently proposed a wall and moat at the U.S.-Canada border, is not scheduled to appear until season two. To the surprise of many, Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto is not yet scheduled to appear on the program.
“We’ll really just have to see how it goes,” Burnett stated.
In the meantime, Russian media will get yet another opportunity to lavish over well-prepared photographs of the Russian president in a more casual environment, a move the Kremlin hope will further endear the leader with the Russian citizenry.
“Naturally, I am seen among the favorites in the competition,” Mr. Putin is quoted in the press release as saying, “But I believe in preservation and preparedness, and it’s best to be prepared with the most startling expressions possible in the event that Comrade Trump might find me expendable. Stranger things have indeed happened. After all, no one ever thought the United States entertainment media would ever agree to green light this Apprentice spin-off, in any case. And yet, here we are.”
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced plans this morning to build a wall on the US-Canada border.
“We have to start thinking about the number of Americans who are flooding or will flood across the border,” Trudeau said in front of a press gathering.
“These Americans will inevitably constrain our resources. They’re going to flood our medical system, our welfare systems, and as proud Canadians, we cannot let this happen. Our responsibility is Canadians first!”
Trudeau’s statement comes just hours after Republican Donald J. Trump was elected to serve as the United States’ 45th president, succeeding Barack Obama. The election results prompted Americans to research Canadian immigration at such a furious pace that it caused the nations immigration website to crash.
“It’s reasonable to assume that if they can’t get here legally, they’ll take matters into their own hands. And we cannot expect that America will send its best,” Trudeau emphasized in the statement. “They’ll send their unemployed, some basement dwellers, people who generally have their hands out waiting for government to provide them with a posh lifestyle and free video games. They’ll send both the impolite and the self-centered. We can’t have it, folks. It’s time to say enough is enough.”
When asked how soon the wall could be brought under construction, Trudeau insisted that “it can’t be soon enough”, and detailed a plan to send armed security to the border to “take care of things until we have this thing at least 15 feet high, with a moat and vicious animals floating about in it.”