New Smartphones totally way better than useless pieces of shit you bought from the same companies just six months ago

With a majority of Americans in a unremitting hunt for a better Smartphone, reviews indicate that new Smartphone products announced for 2018 from Apple, Samsung, Sony, and others, are totally way better than the useless pieces of shit you bought from the same companies just six months ago.
A closer look at the new product lines suggests that the upcoming lines are almost exactly like those hunks of plastic crap you’ve recently indicated would be better purposed by lodging them in assorted body cavities of the jerks who sold them to you. However, regular Smartphone customers are not only safe to ignore that last tidbit, but also encouraged to forget it. Upcoming Smartphones are being promoted as big advances over existing products, and reports indicate that these phones will have the better cameras and more exploitable security features you’ve come to expect in a new device. In the spirit of perpetual phone-buying as the modern standard of success in America, one is certain to wholeheartedly agree with the vague advertising and plunk down another $800 on a new Smartphone — and possibly two — in 2018.
“Let’s face it, waiting until you sincerely need a new device or waiting around for actual advances is for poor people,” said Sylvia Sobel, who works in sales at the mobile electronics store in Clunge Valley. “Think of all the opportunities you’ll be afforded to post about your new phone on social media, to show off new apps to your friends, and to ultimately begin complaining about it in four months when promotions for the new lines start coming out of the woodworks. Everyone loves a victim, and in just four months, it’s you all over again! A new phone is certain to get you loads of attention. What could be more ideal?”
“We know at times it feels like the search for a new, quality status symbol and social media generator is endless, but so is our line of credit for new Smartphone buyers,” Sylvia reports.
“With all this availability, why would you even think to put yourself in a social surrounding where you’re forced to make excuses about your old phone while your friends think you’re just too poor to buy a new one?”

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Twitter inks President Trump to exclusive 7-year contract

During a Friday telephone interview, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey confided that the popular social networking site has shored up their most popular user, US President Donald Trump, with an exclusive contract running through 2024.
According to Dorsey, the contract maintains that the President’s personal and professional communications via social networking will come exclusively through Twitter, although it allows that assistants may tweet through his account or summarize his words on other social networking sites that carry the President’s name and likeness.
The financial terms were not completely clear, although Dorsey stated that the contract will pay the President “about $6.5 million base per annum” for exclusive use of the website, with bonuses for Tweets exceeding twelve per day and other added content, leaving the total value of the contract indeterminable.
Dorsey replied to the obvious question — that the president has signed a financially lucrative commercial contract while serving in the nation’s highest office — by stating that specific lawyers had been brought in during the negotiation process to assure that the contract was legal and did not violate any existing law. Dorsey said that the laws were worked around in part by placing the money in an escrow-style account pending the president’s departure from office, after which he will be able to collect the full balance of the nearly $50 million base contract plus whatever bonuses President Trump might be able to accrue by posting added content.
“This was a tough contract because of the legal ramifications,” Dorsey maintained. “But it was something that we felt we needed to do. In spite of the constant calls for (Twitter) to remove the president’s account, he’s been really remarkable for our business and our product. Can you think of the last day that each and every news did not mention our product? I can assure you, it was before Donald Trump captured the nation’s attention. So it was tough, but we crossed the T’s, this is 100% legal for both Twitter and for the President. This should present no conflict of interest.”
The contract assures that the president will have access to his account — and the ears and eyes of the American people — through the end of his presidency.
“We’ll look into the same type of contract with the incoming president when President Trump leaves office in 2024,” Dorsey stated.
Twitter is currently listed as the 13th largest website in the world, and is valued at nearly $16 billion. The site peaked at $40 billion in value in 2013 but had shrunk to less than $10B as recently as February 2016.
“Twitter’s rebound has largely hinged around Trump’s larger-than-life presence,” Dorsey reported, pointing to a 2017 report that stated that the president was worth $2B in value to the site.
“$6M or $7M is a pretty small price to pay to protect that kind of value,” Dorsey stated, adding “and it’s probably for the best that we keep the president off of Instagram.”

Trigger Alert seeks Russian sponsor to expand unbiased reporting of our magnificent President

Online news magazine Trigger Alert announced Wednesday it’s intent to seek out Russian sponsors with the purpose of expanding the site’s unbiased reporting of the magnificent United States President Donald Trump.
During a July 5 presser attended by one digital recording device, Trigger Alert editor D.R. Everend briefed the public on the current state of Trigger Alert’s business affairs, as well as conceding that “we’ll certainly need some more funding if we plan to accurately, and without any real bias, cover the presidency of the magnificent Donald J. Trump, and how he presses courageously through each harrowing day as the genius behind the American machine while effortlessly hurdling attempts by the mainstream media to discredit his honor.”
Everend, who sipped Russian Standard vodka and was heard whispering “it comes from such a great country”, painted a dim picture of his magazine’s past, but a brighter portrait for it’s future. “Currently, we have trouble finding the time to cover everything, with only one staff writer and no press credentials, but with the proper backing we could expand our staff and eventually get access to people like the beautiful and talented Kellyanne Conway, or to attend White House Press Briefings and social soir√©es attended by the brilliant Republican Congresspeople who are the backbone of our nation, or even be right in the presence of our glorious leader as we continue our quest to offer only the most straightforward and accurate reporting possible.”
Everend suggested during the briefing that any Russian investor who wished to contact him do so directly through the Trigger Alert website.
“I’m not entrepreneurial enough to have a secondary email, so it’s easiest to reach me right on the site. I’d suggest that you head any emails with something like ‘RE: Chinese¬† investors’ or ‘RE: Saudi Investors’ so as to not raise any red flags with the NSA.”
Everend said he is not sure why he feels that Russian investors would be best, but could not deny that he made at least three known Russian gang symbols with his hands during the presser. While never directly asked, he also admitted to having masturbated to photographs of Katya Sambucca “on several occasions”.