Inflation elevates Bernie Sanders donation threshold from $27 to $28.32

The Bernie Sanders campaign announced Thursday that the target individual campaign donation threshold for the 2020 campaign is up $1.32, from $27 in 2016 to $28.32 in 2019.

The campaign pointed to basic inflation for the suggested increase. The campaign raised tremendous levels of financing via a requested $27 donation in 2016. The $28.32 figure is consistent with the cumulative 4.9% inflation between 2016 and 2019.

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“If we plan to compete, we’ll need to adjust accordingly and keep with the times,” an assistant to Sanders campaign manager Faiz Shakir stated. “We’ll be helping the DNC and setting up in towns all across America. You know that Bernie doesn’t don’t want to get priced out of the very best real estate, the most up to date transportation or the best agitators or foreign hackers. This is a very important election.”

The Sanders campaign hopes for the recommended requested donation to stabilize, but worries that a shift in the economy could push the requested donation past the $30 mark before the 2020 election season concludes.

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Actress Meg Ryan charged with role in 1989 orgasm hoax

New York police investigators have arrested Meg Ryan, 57, concerning a 1989 incident in which the actress is believed to have staged a “hoax” demonstration during which she “loudly and deliberately faked orgasms”. Police believe that the incident was staged to further Ms. Ryan’s acting career.

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A video detailing Meg’s 1989 “orgasm hoax” has been well circulated in the 29+ years since the incident.

New York Police Commissioner addressed surprised and relieved reporters about the incident during an early Friday press conference, stating:

“This investigation surrounded a well-known incident in 1989 in which Ms. Ryan continued to fake orgasm after orgasm right in the middle of Katz’s Delicatessen in Manhattan during peak hours, with cameras present recording the entire demonstration. While there are no direct laws against having an orgasm in a delicatessen, there are, in fact, laws stating that a person cannot demonstrate without a proper license, and stating one cannot stage a demonstration under deliberately false pretense.

“We have adequate reason to believe, based on repeated recorded testimonies from some of Ms. Ryan’s closest friends including Robert Reiner and William Crystal and even Ms. Ryan herself, that the entire event was staged to draw attention to Ms. Ryan. She then used this demonstration — performed entirely under false pretense — to land lucrative roles in such films as Joe Versus the Volcano and Hurlyburly.”

“It’s such a well-known hoax,” the commissioner stated at one point, sighing. “I’m embarrassed that we’ve never approached this case. Many parts of the past 29 years have been a tremendous failure when we’ve been so well informed and we’ve never done anything about it. ”

At least one video of the “fake orgasm” was released a few months after the incident. The video has become very well circulated in the past 29 years.

Investigators indicated that they had plenty of evidence related to the incident that could assure a conviction, including the “virtual impossibility that Ms. Ryan — or any other woman, for that matter — could achieve orgasm with actor Billy Crystal in the same room.”

O’Neill expects a challenge concerning applicable statutes of limitations on cases of public demonstration, but reiterated his own stance that , “Even if they find something, well, we all know that there should be no damn statute of limitations on such a heinous, heartless display.”

O’Neill concluded the press conference by announcing that New York Police had also brought O’Neill’s wife in for questioning concerning a similar, more recent incident.

Barack Obama plans to stop inviting rappers who promote misogyny to White House events

In a reversal on previous White House policy, Barack Obama has decided to stop inviting rappers who promote misogyny and toxic masculinity to White House events.
President Obama expressed his reversal of views during a lecture at a Town Hall in Oakland.

“You seem stressed,” Obama quipped about rappers whose imagery is rooted in money and ‘twerking’. “We have enough stress at the White House without adding to it. There’s this whole Trump thing happening and my administration needs to stay focused.”

Obama has played host to numerous rappers at White House events, including moguls Jay-Z and Rick Ross. The White House stood firmly behind their invitations at the time, but Obama says there has been a shift in his administration’s views.

“Early in 2017, I began to feel like maybe I needed to distance myself a bit from inviting that type of artist into the White House. There seemed to be a cultural shift happening right around that time where the lines between right and wrong became blurred and suddenly everything these guys were saying that had always been right … well, it just wasn’t right anymore,” Obama told the crowd in Oakland.

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Prior to his formal statement on the shift in approach, White House officials had previously indicated that Obama was not comfortable with Donald Trump inviting Kanye West to confer in the Oval office.

“We don’t disrespect our house like this,” Obama was reported to have told members of the White House staff after the West conference.

“We have no idea why he keeps telling us all this,” an anonymous staffer confided.

Study of mole rings reveal rocker Lemmy Kilmister actually 74, not 70, at time of death

Melanochronologists who studied cross-sections from one of Lemmy Kilmister’s moles recently revealed that the legendary Motorhead bassist and vocalist was actually 74 years old at the time of his death in 2015, not 70 as previously believed.
Melanochronology is the study of mole rings, and it is a subcategory of the larger study of dermachronology, which determines age through studying skin and hair follicles.
“We clearly counted 74 distinctive growth rings,” reports British melanochronologist Patrick Bond, who was part of the forensic team who oversaw Kilmister’s autopsy and performed the mole removal.
Kilmister passed away on December 28, 2015 from prostate cancer, cardiac arrhythmia and congestive heart failure, a date believed to be 4 days after his 70th birthday, although that age is now contested. A series of facial moles, some of which he had removed via previous surgeries, were among his most recognizable features. One of those moles was removed and studied by Bond to determine age and other information.
“It’s probably not as fascinating as it sounds,” Bond admitted. “We lopped it off with a mustache scissor and counted the rings, just like a tree surgeon does. I’d be more interested in knowing why he chose to lie about his age, and what the estate plans to do with the mole now. Can you imagine how well it would do at a Christie’s auction?”
The age news is unlikely to rattle longtime fans, who admired the legendary frontman’s longevity, spirit, and will.

Trump to host White House fried chicken dinner for Black History Month

The White House will be hosting a fried chicken dinner this Saturday for NAACP leaders in honor of Black History Month.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reports that the dinner comes at the request of a president, Donald J. Trump, who frequently comes under fire for racial undertones in his platforms.

“The president describes this as a great opportunity to build bridges, to let those people know that the president means no ill will towards, you know, those people,” said Sanders. “Plus, who doesn’t love fried chicken?”

The guest-list for the event includes key leadership from the NAACP, Leon Russell, Dwayne Proctor, Alaina Beverly, and Derrick Johnson as well as other black community leaders and Christian organizers. The menu includes such delicious options as original recipe and crispy, chitterlings, cole slaw, and a variety of colorful fruit drinks.

“We’re currently putting some feelers out for some rappers and basketball players to attend, and putting together some gift bags with suspenders and adjustable belts in them just to make sure everyone feels, you know, comfortable,” Sanders reports.

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Mike Pence loves friend chicken and snuggling with his mom.

Patriots to fire referees who oversaw Super Bowl 52 loss

Before the rigor mortis could even set in on the New England Patriots Super Bowl 52 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles, the wheels began to turn on fortifying the franchise.

While questions about Bill, Brady and Gronk will certainly float over the coming weeks or even months, the only firm decision the team has made is to terminate their personal contracts with league officials who oversaw the Super Bowl defeat.

Despite the near-miss at a 6th title for the duo of head coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady, the franchise has spent the past two seasons dealing with varying degrees of internal strife, and some of that was certain to boil over in the wake of the Super Bowl setback. Less than 10 minutes after the final guns sounded and the playing field was overrun with a green and white celebration, the Patriots locker room was ripe with stern language for the officiating crew.

“They didn’t do their job,” head coach Bill Belichick reported. “I mean, you can review the films for yourself. For the most part, they did a fantastic job calling the game, the early false start that kept the Eagles out of the end zone was just what we needed, but as the game progressed, we kept waiting and waiting for the calls we needed to win the game, the calls we paid for, and those calls weren’t there.”

“Those guys called the game on the level,” quarterback Tom Brady sulked. “Therein is where the problem starts. Did you see the non-call on the Graham strip? That was a clean strip, all the way, and they were supposed to find some reason to call the penalty and advance the ball for us. For the love of … there was under 20 seconds on the clock, how do they just not make up a call right then? That’s their job. That’s what they are paid to do. They didn’t do their job.”

Owner Robert Kraft said that while the contract terminations wouldn’t be official until he had time to pour kerosene on the contracts in his office, that the team separating from this particular officiating crew was inevitable.

“Do you have any idea how big of a pain it is to get the league to agree to entirely new  officiating crews of our choice for significant contests next.
“This was money poorly spent. We’ll know better next time.”

 

Eagles lead Super Bowl in 3rd; referees discuss whether to start butchering calls, assisting Patriots

With the score 29-26 and only minutes to go in the 3rd quarter, Super Bowl referees were reportedly discussing whether they needed to swindle the Philadelphia Eagles with butchered calls and hand the New England Patriots another Super Bowl crown.

Referee Carl Cheffers was concerned about this situation before the game.
“If the Eagles play well, we’ll have to make it look like Tom Brady fourth quarter theatrics, even though we know it gets less and less convincing every time. If the Patriots stay close, it’ll be a spot decision.”

NFL referee Clete Bakeman was unavailable for comment, choosing to spend his down time on the phone with a luxury auto broker.

Oscars to include ‘interracial’ and ‘cuckolding’ film categories among 2019 awards

Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences president John Bailey announced Thursday that the 2019 Oscar Award Ceremony would mark the first during which the Academy recognizes and presents awards two new categories: Adult Cuckolding and Adult Interracial.
While neither the films nor their categories are new, the awards are. The Academy, well-known for recognizing mainstream fetish films for decades, had until now failed to acknowledge films in what is generally considered the “adults only” category, films often referred to as “x-rated” or pornography.
Speaking on the Today show, Bailey explained the inclusion of the new categories. “There’s a lot of film that we’ve bore the shame of not representing over the years. When direct-to-video came in, we were embarrassingly unaware of it for years. Now, here it is again, and there’s loads and loads of this type content gushing forth, just streaming all over the place online. And, again, we’ve similarly had trouble accepting as part of our community. These types of videos, many of which are of feature length, have been part of the film community for decades, and favorites of many of our esteemed colleagues. While they have been recognized elsewhere, it’s been a blight on the Academy that we have not been representing them here. It’s time that society, and the Academy in particular, comes out of the closet on this.”
Bailey offered that while there was “no particular significance in these choices”, many members of the Academy agreed that these two categories were the most “current, relevant and provided the biggest opportunity for cultural significance.”

Scott Baio picked to play punk singer GG Allin in upcoming VH1 biopic

VH1 announced today that the network has selected Scott Baio to play infamous punk singer GG Allin in an upcoming biopic on the singer’s tumultuous career.
GG Allin, a self-described “scumfuck”, led a life of rock and roll debauchery, with performances that frequently included defecation, urination, bloodletting, and attacks on the crowd that included acts of physical and sexual assault. The mind behind such dubious titles as “Expose Yourself to Kids,” “Young Little Meat“, and “Bite It You Scum“, Allin served time in Michigan for assault a few years before his rock-and-roll death in 1993.

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Scott Baio in “Charles in Charge” (left) and in the upcoming GG Allin biopic (right).

The biopic demonstrates a clear shift in how the network views a singer it once considered too controversial to even discuss during a discussion of wildest rock performers.
The role also demonstrates a shift for Baio . Best known for his roles as Chachi in “Happy Days” and Charles in “Charles in Charge“, Baio is usually seen in more family-friendly fare.
“This is a tough role for me to get into,” admits Baio about his casting as the blood-soaked, nihilistic punk singer. “But I really need the fucking money.”
Baio has been in the news recently based upon allegations that he tried to sexually engage former Charles in Charge co-star Nicole Eggert when she was as young as fourteen.
“I’m innocent and honestly, I’m pissed. But I’m trying to channel the anger into the role, to help me better understand GG so I can throw myself into (the role).”
Asked during the interview how he planned to confer that anger onscreen, Baio found himself unable to move on from the accusations.
“I should have been so fucking lucky to fingerbang her when she was 14. You remember her when she was 14? She looked at least 16 then. I’d have done it if I’d have known she was just going to lie about it. I’d have let her shit on me, piss on me, you know .. whatever, so long as I can get off.”
Baio says he is still “unsure” if he can muster the anger or “attitude” that it will require to play Allin, but insists that his training as a fine method actor is certain to shine.

Homeless man delivers rousing rebuttal to Trump’s State of the Union

A crazy homeless man delivered a rousing impromptu rebuttal to President Trump’s State of the Union address on M Street in Georgetown on Tuesday night.
“It’s fucked! The whole thing is fucked!” shouted Terry Cressler to a crowd of passers-by shortly after watching the President’s address through a shop window.
Cressler, a 54 year old former cashier who currently resides in a Washington business entryway at night during and who reportedly has a summer spot on a bench near Fort Reno Park, articulated his points to everyone within earshot on the cold DC night.
“Look around you, it’s all fucked!” Cressler repeated while clutching his waistband and digging through a garbage receptacle. “You’re all fools! You’re all fucked!”
“The doomsday’s a-coming!” the sanity-challenged gentleman informed people within screaming distance. “Donald Trump can’t save you! Your Gods can’t save you! Money can’t save you! You’re fucked! All of you! Fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked!
Cressler’s inspiring dissertation was cut short by a California man who asked to take a selfie with Cressler, and whom gave Cressler $3. Cressler was last seen preparing another dissertation and scratching himself profusely outside of a local McDonald’s.