Barack Obama plans to stop inviting rappers who promote misogyny to White House events

In a reversal on previous White House policy, Barack Obama has decided to stop inviting rappers who promote misogyny and toxic masculinity to White House events.
President Obama expressed his reversal of views during a lecture at a Town Hall in Oakland.

“You seem stressed,” Obama quipped about rappers whose imagery is rooted in money and ‘twerking’. “We have enough stress at the White House without adding to it. There’s this whole Trump thing happening and my administration needs to stay focused.”

Obama has played host to numerous rappers at White House events, including moguls Jay-Z and Rick Ross. The White House stood firmly behind their invitations at the time, but Obama says there has been a shift in his administration’s views.

“Early in 2017, I began to feel like maybe I needed to distance myself a bit from inviting that type of artist into the White House. There seemed to be a cultural shift happening right around that time where the lines between right and wrong became blurred and suddenly everything these guys were saying that had always been right … well, it just wasn’t right anymore,” Obama told the crowd in Oakland.

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Prior to his formal statement on the shift in approach, White House officials had previously indicated that Obama was not comfortable with Donald Trump inviting Kanye West to confer in the Oval office.

“We don’t disrespect our house like this,” Obama was reported to have told members of the White House staff after the West conference.

“We have no idea why he keeps telling us all this,” an anonymous staffer confided.


Study of mole rings reveal rocker Lemmy Kilmister actually 74, not 70, at time of death

Melanochronologists who studied cross-sections from one of Lemmy Kilmister’s moles recently revealed that the legendary Motorhead bassist and vocalist was actually 74 years old at the time of his death in 2015, not 70 as previously believed.
Melanochronology is the study of mole rings, and it is a subcategory of the larger study of dermachronology, which determines age through studying skin and hair follicles.
“We clearly counted 74 distinctive growth rings,” reports British melanochronologist Patrick Bond, who was part of the forensic team who oversaw Kilmister’s autopsy and performed the mole removal.
Kilmister passed away on December 28, 2015 from prostate cancer, cardiac arrhythmia and congestive heart failure, a date believed to be 4 days after his 70th birthday, although that age is now contested. A series of facial moles, some of which he had removed via previous surgeries, were among his most recognizable features. One of those moles was removed and studied by Bond to determine age and other information.
“It’s probably not as fascinating as it sounds,” Bond admitted. “We lopped it off with a mustache scissor and counted the rings, just like a tree surgeon does. I’d be more interested in knowing why he chose to lie about his age, and what the estate plans to do with the mole now. Can you imagine how well it would do at a Christie’s auction?”
The age news is unlikely to rattle longtime fans, who admired the legendary frontman’s longevity, spirit, and will.

Trump to host White House fried chicken dinner for Black History Month

The White House will be hosting a fried chicken dinner this Saturday for NAACP leaders in honor of Black History Month.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reports that the dinner comes at the request of a president, Donald J. Trump, who frequently comes under fire for racial undertones in his platforms.

“The president describes this as a great opportunity to build bridges, to let those people know that the president means no ill will towards, you know, those people,” said Sanders. “Plus, who doesn’t love fried chicken?”

The guest-list for the event includes key leadership from the NAACP, Leon Russell, Dwayne Proctor, Alaina Beverly, and Derrick Johnson as well as other black community leaders and Christian organizers. The menu includes such delicious options as original recipe and crispy, chitterlings, cole slaw, and a variety of colorful fruit drinks.

“We’re currently putting some feelers out for some rappers and basketball players to attend, and putting together some gift bags with suspenders and adjustable belts in them just to make sure everyone feels, you know, comfortable,” Sanders reports.

Mike Pence loves friend chicken and snuggling with his mom.

Patriots to fire referees who oversaw Super Bowl 52 loss

Before the rigor mortis could even set in on the New England Patriots Super Bowl 52 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles, the wheels began to turn on fortifying the franchise.

While questions about Bill, Brady and Gronk will certainly float over the coming weeks or even months, the only firm decision the team has made is to terminate their personal contracts with league officials who oversaw the Super Bowl defeat.

Despite the near-miss at a 6th title for the duo of head coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady, the franchise has spent the past two seasons dealing with varying degrees of internal strife, and some of that was certain to boil over in the wake of the Super Bowl setback. Less than 10 minutes after the final guns sounded and the playing field was overrun with a green and white celebration, the Patriots locker room was ripe with stern language for the officiating crew.

“They didn’t do their job,” head coach Bill Belichick reported. “I mean, you can review the films for yourself. For the most part, they did a fantastic job calling the game, the early false start that kept the Eagles out of the end zone was just what we needed, but as the game progressed, we kept waiting and waiting for the calls we needed to win the game, the calls we paid for, and those calls weren’t there.”

“Those guys called the game on the level,” quarterback Tom Brady sulked. “Therein is where the problem starts. Did you see the non-call on the Graham strip? That was a clean strip, all the way, and they were supposed to find some reason to call the penalty and advance the ball for us. For the love of … there was under 20 seconds on the clock, how do they just not make up a call right then? That’s their job. That’s what they are paid to do. They didn’t do their job.”

Owner Robert Kraft said that while the contract terminations wouldn’t be official until he had time to pour kerosene on the contracts in his office, that the team separating from this particular officiating crew was inevitable.

“Do you have any idea how big of a pain it is to get the league to agree to entirely new¬† officiating crews of our choice for significant contests next.
“This was money poorly spent. We’ll know better next time.”


Eagles lead Super Bowl in 3rd; referees discuss whether to start butchering calls, assisting Patriots

With the score 29-26 and only minutes to go in the 3rd quarter, Super Bowl referees were reportedly discussing whether they needed to swindle the Philadelphia Eagles with butchered calls and hand the New England Patriots another Super Bowl crown.

Referee Carl Cheffers was concerned about this situation before the game.
“If the Eagles play well, we’ll have to make it look like Tom Brady fourth quarter theatrics, even though we know it gets less and less convincing every time. If the Patriots stay close, it’ll be a spot decision.”

NFL referee Clete Bakeman was unavailable for comment, choosing to spend his down time on the phone with a luxury auto broker.

Trigger Alert Named To President’s Short List of “Real” News Sources

The spectacular United States President Donald J. Trump reportedly named Trigger Alert on a short list of news sources which the remarkable, genius leader feels are “real and reliable outlets of public information”.
The brilliant and handsome President conveyed his message to Trigger Alert through Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders during Friday’s press briefing. After reading through details of the magnificent president’s day and Friday evening’s cable TV listings, as well as some other insignificant news and information, Sanders offered the first question to Trigger Alert’s D.R. Everend, adding, “Just so you know, Mr. Everend, the President is very impressed with your work and your site’s work to provide America with accurate reporting about the state of our nation. Not like CNN, whose articles he says he feels like are written by some unkempt idiot stoner with a smelly shirt and a bong who just makes crap up as he goes along. He says you are on his list — his very short list — of sites that he feels are real and reliable sources of public information.”
Everend spent his first question honor by pondering to Sanders: “Is there any way this glorious president could be any more perfect?”
Sanders politely responded “Thank you for that hard hitting question, Mr. Everend, that is something the public really needs to be advised of. And the simple answer is no; no, there is not any possible way.” Sanders then continued to take less significant questions about The Greatest President In the History of the Universe from shoddy, unreliable new outlets.

Oscars to include ‘interracial’ and ‘cuckolding’ film categories among 2019 awards

Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences president John Bailey announced Thursday that the 2019 Oscar Award Ceremony would mark the first during which the Academy recognizes and presents awards two new categories: Adult Cuckolding and Adult Interracial.
While neither the films nor their categories are new, the awards are. The Academy, well-known for recognizing mainstream fetish films for decades, had until now failed to acknowledge films in what is generally considered the “adults only” category, films often referred to as “x-rated” or pornography.
Speaking on the Today show, Bailey explained the inclusion of the new categories. “There’s a lot of film that we’ve bore the shame of not representing over the years. When direct-to-video came in, we were embarrassingly unaware of it for years. Now, here it is again, and there’s loads and loads of this type content gushing forth, just streaming all over the place online. And, again, we’ve similarly had trouble accepting as part of our community. These types of videos, many of which are of feature length, have been part of the film community for decades, and favorites of many of our esteemed colleagues. While they have been recognized elsewhere, it’s been a blight on the Academy that we have not been representing them here. It’s time that society, and the Academy in particular, comes out of the closet on this.”
Bailey offered that while there was “no particular significance in these choices”, many members of the Academy agreed that these two categories were the most “current, relevant and provided the biggest opportunity for cultural significance.”

Scott Baio picked to play punk singer GG Allin in upcoming VH1 biopic

VH1 announced today that the network has selected Scott Baio to play infamous punk singer GG Allin in an upcoming biopic on the singer’s tumultuous career.
GG Allin, a self-described “scumfuck”, led a life of rock and roll debauchery, with performances that frequently included defecation, urination, bloodletting, and attacks on the crowd that included acts of physical and sexual assault. The mind behind such dubious titles as “Expose Yourself to Kids,” “Young Little Meat“, and “Bite It You Scum“, Allin served time in Michigan for assault a few years before his rock-and-roll death in 1993.

Scott Baio in “Charles in Charge” (left) and in the upcoming GG Allin biopic (right).

The biopic demonstrates a clear shift in how the network views a singer it once considered too controversial to even discuss during a discussion of wildest rock performers.
The role also demonstrates a shift for Baio . Best known for his roles as Chachi in “Happy Days” and Charles in “Charles in Charge“, Baio is usually seen in more family-friendly fare.
“This is a tough role for me to get into,” admits Baio about his casting as the blood-soaked, nihilistic punk singer. “But I really need the fucking money.”
Baio has been in the news recently based upon allegations that he tried to sexually engage former Charles in Charge co-star Nicole Eggert when she was as young as fourteen.
“I’m innocent and honestly, I’m pissed. But I’m trying to channel the anger into the role, to help me better understand GG so I can throw myself into (the role).”
Asked during the interview how he planned to confer that anger onscreen, Baio found himself unable to move on from the accusations.
“I should have been so fucking lucky to fingerbang her when she was 14. You remember her when she was 14? She looked at least 16 then. I’d have done it if I’d have known she was just going to lie about it. I’d have let her shit on me, piss on me, you know .. whatever, so long as I can get off.”
Baio says he is still “unsure” if he can muster the anger or “attitude” that it will require to play Allin, but insists that his training as a fine method actor is certain to shine.

Homeless man delivers rousing rebuttal to Trump’s State of the Union

A crazy homeless man delivered a rousing impromptu rebuttal to President Trump’s State of the Union address on M Street in Georgetown on Tuesday night.
“It’s fucked! The whole thing is fucked!” shouted Terry Cressler to a crowd of passers-by shortly after watching the President’s address through a shop window.
Cressler, a 54 year old former cashier who currently resides in a Washington business entryway at night during and who reportedly has a summer spot on a bench near Fort Reno Park, articulated his points to everyone within earshot on the cold DC night.
“Look around you, it’s all fucked!” Cressler repeated while clutching his waistband and digging through a garbage receptacle. “You’re all fools! You’re all fucked!”
“The doomsday’s a-coming!” the sanity-challenged gentleman informed people within screaming distance. “Donald Trump can’t save you! Your Gods can’t save you! Money can’t save you! You’re fucked! All of you! Fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked!
Cressler’s inspiring dissertation was cut short by a California man who asked to take a selfie with Cressler, and whom gave Cressler $3. Cressler was last seen preparing another dissertation and scratching himself profusely outside of a local McDonald’s.

Cleveland Indians reveal new inclusive mascot to replace Chief Wahoo

The Cleveland Indians revealed their new team mascot Tuesday morning, replacing the popular but long-begrudged Chief Wahoo logo with a new turbaned “snake charmer” caricature that team president Chris Antonetti believes will be “more inclusive, and considerably less offensive to our Native American brothers and sisters, and the greater native population at large.”
The team announced only Monday that it intended to bid goodbye to the Chief Wahoo logo in the 2019 season. Many saw the Indians staff revealing a new logo within 24 hours of the Chief Wahoo announcement as evidence that this change has long been in the works.
The Indians and their fans have used or recognized versions of the Chief Wahoo logo, a grinning red-skinned caricature, since as far back as 1932, with the popular modern version first officially appearing in 1949. The team previously contemplated dismissing the logo caricature in 1994, when the team moved into Jacobs Field, and in 2013 removed the Chief’s likeness from their caps, although the likeness remains on jersey sleeves and other team merchandise.
Several other “Indian” themes have fallen to the wayside over the years, including removing the Wigwam, a teepee that used to stand beyond the outfield wall, in 1973, and ending the ritual of “scalping” losing teams in 1990, which some fans found degrading and excessive.
Other logo-themed controversies have surfaced over the years. In 1991, settlers armed with muskets stormed Cleveland Stadium, shooting several players and forcing the team out of the stadium. The team played the 1992 and 1993 seasons on a dirt lot afforded them by the settlers until Jacobs Field (now Progressive Field) opened in 1994.
“We wanted to have a logo which was more inclusive to America’s native population, while not re-branding the team altogether,” Antonetti explained while revealing the new logo, a menacing, scowling figure with a turban and a gold earring. “The new mascot, as you can see, makes no reference to the native people nor their culture.”
Bob DiBiasio, the Indians Vice President of Public Affairs, emphasized to reporters that the team “appreciate(s) that many of our fans identify with the logo, and we’re going to give them their due by giving Wahoo a proper sendoff in 2018, then moving forward with Habib in 2019,” Antonetti stated during a Tuesday press conference.
Antonetti defended the decision to wait a year before progressing to the new logo. “It’s a year. Only a year. A year should be plenty of time for us to create an artificial market based upon the perception of rarity and long-term investment value before we unload the warehouses of decades worth of back stock and flood the market with as many cheap replicas of the Chief Wahoo likeness as possible. We’ll donate any remaining gear — if any — to some poor soul in Nicaragua who will value the shirt for the value of the fabric and the protection it provides, not the branding.”
DiBiasio offered an apology to the community at large: “We’d like to offer our apologies to anyone who has been offended by the mascot, and hope that they understand our position on keeping the logo through the years. In kind, we hope that everyone can enjoy our new, harmless, inclusive snake charmer logo, and that we can move on with this dark chapter of the team’s history behind us.”