“Knowing that a star of Dinklage’s stature was going to be present ahead of time, we were able to put intel out in advance and net three of these dwarf-trafficking bastards,” said Chief Constable Hamilton. “Today we made it a little bit safer for a few little people.”
The allergy-suffering reporter told reporters that they’d get his work whenever he was “good and goddamn ready” and stated his desire to be alone before pushing his co-workers out of his cubicle and moving a file cabinet in front of the door.
“If years as a member of countless online social justice movements has taught me anything, it’s that you get a lot done by slandering people, even people entirely uninvolved in the decision making process and who may be directly and painfully affected by these laws.”
Having learned nothing from the Ben Affleck and George Clooney debacles, Warner Bros. and director Matt Reeves seem set to select talentless, pasty Robert Pattinson to play the caped crusader.
Reader Landon Leibowitz describes how 1970s star Crystal Gayle gave him a new appreciation for today’s country music singers.
“Some people are calling me a dark horse candidate, but I consider myself the black corpse candidate!” O’Rourke announced before throwing up devil horns and hissing at the confused bystanders.