Did you know that Bill Clinton is a former president of the United States, an honor bestowed by the electorate upon only the most trusted and respected individuals? Are we suggesting that suddenly we just can’t trust U.S. presidents?
“I’ll remember from now on to keep Pfizer and Starbucks and Bank of America — companies I am confident have my best interests at heart — in my nightly prayers. God bless you, corporate sponsors!”
A panel of psychologists who’ve researched internet attention whoring have concluded that the average social media user will never miss the average of 3 “likes” that users get whenever that user is a C-cup or smaller.
Harper: “In the end, I’ve decided to honor other contractual obligations, obligations which led me to believe that it wouldn’t be in my best interest nor in the interests of the Nationals or the White House if I was in attendance.”
With the 2019 MLB season behind us, stoic Yankees fans plan to turn their clocks back 75 to 100 years this weekend to a time when the team were a perennial World Series participant.
Spokesman D.R. Everend said “Clearly, we would have been more careful about the words we chose if we had only realized that people who did not find ISIS to be chock-full of dreamy superstuds with giant, throbbing, well-oiled members would be reading.”