“The closest I’ve gotten to getting some tail was one night when our bassist Brad hugged me really hard when I was crying after one of the gigs.”
Category: People
WTF? Those selfish assholes who got new syrup labels are suddenly expecting society to curb police brutality, too?
“I carried signs and shouted slogans, and after seeing someone doing it on TV, I found a black man and I washed his feet while pleading with him for forgiveness.
You’d think he’d say thank you, right?”
Left wing revolutionary plans to vote for the establishment just this ooone laaast time, he swears
“I was positive this would be the year, but since that’s not the case, my best bet is to once again — and for the last time, I swear — vote for someone I do not support in any way, shape, or form, neither as a person nor as a policymaker.”
Red-eyed allergy sufferer not really giving a shit about work today
The allergy-suffering reporter told reporters that they’d get his work whenever he was “good and goddamn ready” and stated his desire to be alone before pushing his co-workers out of his cubicle and moving a file cabinet in front of the door.
Man posting incest memes for 3 days straight on Facebook confident it will to get Alabama to change their laws
“If years as a member of countless online social justice movements has taught me anything, it’s that you get a lot done by slandering people, even people entirely uninvolved in the decision making process and who may be directly and painfully affected by these laws.”
Dieting mom plans to finish off kids’ Easter candy while they are at school to eliminate temptation
“There probably would have been a little less leftover candy, but I did get extra jelly beans when they were 50% off on the Monday after Easter,” acknowledged Schlitz, adding, “You don’t just pass up 50% off jellybeans.”
