To the dismay of American theists, a new study confirms that the emergence of bitterness and sarcasm towards people who send thoughts and prayers after a tragic event has proven an effective replacement for the passive “thoughts and prayers” movement it supplanted.
Crisis experts from Tranpower, a scientific think tank in San Bernardino, confirmed the findings of their 2-year social media study at a conference in Los Angeles on Friday. The study showed that complaining about people who send thoughts and prayers has an equal physical effect on “rectifying acts universally considered horrible by people of any political persuasion”.
“Physical results matter, and we found that the effect achieved by condemning people sending thoughts and prayers is not only equal to the physical effect of sending thoughts and prayers, but we also failed to find evidence supportive of the notion that such persistent condemnation has not always produced an equal effect,” reported Julia Stibber, a spokesperson from Tranpower.
“Instead of just feeling insulted like they were in the past, this new method of helping those in need offers particular feelings of pride and smarm to those who spread such condemnation, positive feelings that these people might never have felt before in similar situations.”
“It speaks to the powers of science — and to some extent pessimism — being the building block of society, not religion” Stibber concluded.
The conference room was abuzz after the Tranpower presentation.
“Nothing says you’re only thinking about yourself like sending thoughts and prayers,” said conference attendee Rosa Phillips, whose philanthropic ventures to date have been limited to posting continuous opinions online while garnering no considerable influence. “Just save it, they don’t need need or want to know that the community is offering love and strength during their time of need.”
“I just wish religious people realized how big of assholes they can be,” stated Bill Sederhill, a woman’s studies major from UCLA. “You have to be pretty stupid to think that thoughts and prayers are fixing anything, and I am more than glad to express my disgust with these people after a tragedy. Even if I haven’t personally heard anyone offer thoughts and prayers, you just know they’re out there, thinking, praying. It’s our shared responsibility to cut them off and to set up a partition wall between those imaginary thoughts and prayers and their target and meet them with some very real pessimism.”
Resident Mike Atsonfar reports that eating a store brand pizza purchased from Clunge Valley Grocery has resulted in a “nasty case of store-brand diarrhea”.
Mike, a Culvert County househusband, recalls that his “total bitch wife” brought the chicken bacon ranch pizza home from Clunge Valley Grocery because “she said they were out of Tombstones, like that’s even a thing.”
“She was just being cheap,” Atsonfar claimed, adding that “she knows good and goddanged well” he prefers Tombstone sausage while gaming, watching Netflix, or playing online.
Mike’s wife Alicia reports that the man loudly complained that an 80-cent saving couldn’t possibly be worth the cramping pains, cold sweats, shuddering, trembling, and raw buttocks that resulted from hours spent in the bathroom “hovering over the toilet and painting the back of the bowl Jackson Pollock brown”.
“I’m perfectly comfortable with the normal, everyday diarrhea I get from my usual brand, but this was a crap too far,” the man whined.
“It’s a frozen pizza. I’m not sure what he expects, unless he learns to cook for himself while I am at work,” Alicia reasoned.
Alicia moaned about the splatter-related event led Mike to miss another job interview.
“For all of his bellowing and grousing about it, he’ll just end up asking for this stupid pizza again,” she predicted.
CLUNGE VALLEY, Virginia – Facebook friends have determined that self-proclaimed social media guru Ralph Moats, who is well known for repeatedly referring to his political rivals as “a special kind of stupid”, is likely a special kind of genius.
Friends say that Moats, a househusband from Clunge Valley who demonstrates no remarkable skills and shares no independent or well-thought opinions on the social network, is obviously harboring the type of genius that cannot be observed or even remotely detected by others.
“Certainly his constant assertions of intellectual superiority cannot be without merit,” remarked Josh Wilson, who Ralph added to his media account after an exhilarating political tussle on a pie forum. “There must be something there that not one reasonable human being is seeing.”
CLUNGE VALLEY — Triggered by a photograph of a cereal box he saw in his Facebook News Feed this morning, Clunge Valley local Ralph Moats spent the morning attacking the inclusion of new unicorn-shaped marshmallows in Lucky Charms cereal in a series of fiery social media posts.
“Has anyone seen how gay Lucky Charms are now? When the hell did Lucky Charms become so gay?” asked Moats, who claims he “grew up on the stuff”.
“I used to woof this stuff down by the fistful when I was watching Saturday cartoons! Pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers and blue diamonds, right? Now look at this garbage! Rainbows? Unicorns? Shooting stars?! You think pink hearts made you uncomfortable, well let me tell you, they’ve even had snowflakes. Snowflakes!! This isn’t something you can safely feed your kids watching cartoons anymore, this is something you sprinkle around at one of those queer marches! You’ve got to be a special kind of stupid to eat that queer stuff anymore!”
Moats, a househusband and social media guru, created nine separate Facebook posts about the issue between 9am and 1pm, alternating cereal posts with compelling details about his religious affiliation.
“I didn’t even think about that kind of shit when I was a kid,” declared Moats in one post, “But it’s obvious now they were trying to encourage all us kids to turn queer and do all that gay shit.”
“I’m just glad I turned out ok,” Moats concluded.
CLUNGE, Va — Following a string of tragedies dating back more than 20 years, Phil Brady has developed an opinion on gun control, but is unsure if any of his friends on social media would be interested in hearing an opinion on the topic.
Brady, a cashiers assistant from Clunge, Virginia, is connected with almost 600 friends on social media, but admits he is reticent to log on and voice his own opinions on gun control.
“In my experience (gun control) is not an issue people usually seem interested in or ready to participate in a conversation on, so I think that would be doubly true in an online environment where people are limited in breadth of speech due to to the text characters, and where there’s no ability to properly identify and recognize the emotions that the other users are dealing with. So, there’s no real way for me to get a good idea about the vibe.”
Brady has had a Facebook account for nearly 7 years. He reports he has been avoiding reading his News Feed since 2012, instead choosing to just look at his own posts and photographs and individually stalk clients.
NEW YORK – Here’s a blast from the past!
In 2009, while hosting TV’s “The Apprentice”, the affable Donald Trump encountered an Ed Hardy shirt so fantastic that he couldn’t help but to have his photo taken standing right next to it.
“He really loved Ed Hardy merchandise,” a production assistant revealed. “Sometimes he’d call it ‘majestic’ or ‘amazing’ and he’d just run up like an excited schoolboy and touch it, no matter where it was or who was wearing it. His love for Ed Hardy created a few awkward situations, to say the least.”
Then-wildly popular, the Ed Hardy brand files under ‘rarely seen’ these days.
On the other hand, then-wildly popular billionaire “Apprentice” host Trump still gets lots of exposure, although the popularity of his brand also seems on the wane.
Anxious househusband Brian Bibb can hardly wait until his wife gets home to see what she got him for Valentine’s Day.
“If she has the extra money we’ll probably go out for a casual dinner, but it’s no secret that I’m hoping for another Nintendo Valentine’s gift basket like year before last.”
The basket, a gift from Brian’s wife Liz, mostly featured character’s from the game company’s popular Super Mario lineup, and sat next to Brian’s gaming television through mid-May.
Brian gushed that the basket was “super sweet” and that he felt like it showed how much Liz appreciates his occasional efforts around the house.
“It’s great to feel appreciated for all the … you know, stuff I do sometimes around here.”
He shamefully admits that he did “give Liz the business” for getting him a different gift — a personal grooming kit — last year.
“I made her cry a little. I didn’t mean for it to go that far,” Brian confessed.
Despite last year’s incident, Brian’s hopes have not been dashed.
“The guys were over playing X-Box earlier and we all talked about it,” Brian admitted. “Charlie’s wife gets him game-themed t-shirts and that’s always cool, but we all have great memories of the basket Liz bought me the one year. Man, I really hopes she remembers!”
While he reportedly doesn’t discuss it often, Brian has previously confided to friends that video game-themed gifts have essentially replaced the sex that has been noticeably absent from his relationship since about four months after he left his last job three years ago.
CLUNGE VALLEY, VA – Certain that the right someone exists for him, local restaurant worker Robby Stiffman plans to spend this Valentine’s Day refreshing the Craigslist personals until the right sex offer shows up.
A generally unattractive and charmless man, Stiffman insists that the girl for him is probably right under his nose, probably right in a Craigslist personal ad.
“I know it’s a long shot, but I’m sure she’s out here right now, probably looking for a guy who just wants a good time, like me. You know, someone exactly like me. On Craigslist. And, within walking distance,” said Stiffman, whose meager salary prevents him from owning and maintaining a vehicle.
Stiffman said he’d grown tired of lonely self-serving nights looking at adult websites, and decided to shift his attention to “finding some real action.” Stiffman reports that this new quest has led him to two straight weeks of self-serving nights staring at text. //adserver.juicyads.com/js/jads.js
“No pic, no action,” said Stiffman, a self-professed man of standards, who says that the ads rarely include photographs, although he admitted what some of the ladies write is “still pretty hot.”
When Brandon — one of Stiffman’s friends and co-workers who frequently chides Stiffman to wash his hands — suggested that a night at a bar might be a better approach, Stiffman disagreed.
“I know I don’t have the money to court a real woman like you see in the ads. Even though I’m not looking for Miss Right, I’m looking for a Miss Right For Right Now, you know.”
“Who wants to meet a girl at a bar?” said the closet alcoholic. “If you set the bar too low, you’re just going to end up with no future.”
A trio of “Trekkies” in attendance at the 5th Annual Ash City Sci-Fi Convention were forcibly removed after fellow convention-goers expressed concern about their attire.
The Star Trek fans in question were wearing costumes that depicted them as members of the Breen Confederacy, a fictional collective of slave masters and overlords who appeared in Star Trek programs.
The trio — Will Finkel, 26; Tyler Davenport, 30, and Adam Kravitz, 42 — were asked to remove their outfits or leave. When the trio hesitated, security forced them to exit, including using a taser device on Davenport.
“That really (expletive) me up” reported Davenport, who spoke before a small gathering in Ash City.
“I think that, you know, with the metal and electronics in my full headgear, it really gave me a zap,” said the man, who confessed to having been tased before, to “much lesser effect”.
“I, personally, do not understand,” said Kravitz. “Clearly the Breen Confederacy had questionable practices, but it’s a part of intergalactic history, and it’s a chapter in Star Trek history that we can’t continue to shutter ourselves from. It happened. You can’t just un-write intergalactic history.”
Event organizer Nathan Gorblitz agreed with the decision to have the gentlemen removed.
“I saw them coming in and I was hoping my eyes deceived me and they were just bad Boushh cosplays from Star Wars, but nope, they were representing the (expletive) Breen Confederacy. Who the hell even does that?” Gorblitz stated.
“I’m as into cosplay as the next guy — especially when a juggy Seven-of-Nine or a smoking hot Kamala struts her way through — but some things just aren’t appropriate. The Breen Confederacy stole inhabitants from foreign lands and enslaved them in mines. I don’t think I need to say it, but it’s a really dark chapter in intergalactic history. No one wants to be reminded of the Breen or their legacy of oppression.
“Some of the other attendees came forward and said they were extremely uncomfortable, they were upset that they were in the presence of Breen and they wanted us to do something, so we acted in accordance to what we feel best represented intergalactic law.”
Gorblitz continued: “As the Romulans will tell you, you just can’t turn your back on a Breen. There are lots of weapons here, stuff like phasers, disruptor pistols. Those bloodless assholes are obsessed with weapons and violence, and they can’t be trusted in a room where there’s access to both Klingons and type III disruptors. I don’t think I have to tell you what type of scene would ensue. The decision to use force to remove these violent characters from our venue was easy.”
No charges have been filed by either party, although the affected trio say they are looking into their options.
“If I could, I’d have them assimilated by the Borg,” a dejected Kravitz stated.
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This article was published on August 4, 2017, with a view count of 0.