Vegas Golden Knights offered “Participation” Stanley cups by local 7-11

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On the heels of a Stanley Cup sweep in the NHL Finals at the hands of the Washington Capitals, a dejected Vegas Golden Knights hockey team has been offered consolation Stanley cups by a local 7-11 convenience store.
According to Matahatma Mahatma, who manages a local 7-11 store, a bounty of cups featuring KISS guitarist Paul Stanley were recently discovered in his storeroom, and he has offered the cups to the team in exchange for participating in the store’s “Free Cup With Purchase of a Big Gulp” program.
“Obviously, they will need to get here before they sell out,” Mahatma announced via his Facebook page.
The Golden Knights, a Cinderella team who had made the NHL Finals in only their first season in the league, had hoped to win the Lord Stanley’s Cup associated with the NHL championship. However in the face of defeat, several members of the team seemed pleased with the offer of the participation cups.
Fighting back tears, team co-captain David Perron told one reporter “This is it. This is truly the best thing we can hope for after such a sound thrashing.”
Paul Stanley, whose “Starchild” character appears on the participation cups, was delighted to hear that his image would be distributed to the NHL runners-up.
“I’ve been following the Finals closely, as I do every year,” the KISS frontman stated. “After watching the past 4 games, I feel Vegas has certainly earned the privilege of owning a durable plastic Paul Stanley cup full of Mountain Dew for a fee that’s usually around $2 plus tax. I hope they cherish them and share them with their families and put them on their mantles, and that someday maybe their children will want to join the KISS Army or check out our fantastic online merchandise catalog.”
Team owner Bill Foley was surprisingly upbeat following the sweep, and told one media source, “If I had realized Mr. Mahatma still had these cups in storage, I probably could have saved myself a lot of money.”

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PGA announces new pace-of-play measures to include souped-up race carts

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Professional Golfer’s Association President Paul Levy announced new pace-of-play initiatives for the golfing tour’s 2018-19 schedule, including reduced time at the tee for shots to be made, and the introduction of souped-up golf carts that can zip players along the course at speeds in excess of 80 mph.
Pace of play initiatives are designed to speed play along on a tour that feels that the sport moves too slowly to engage the modern audience, hampering it’s popularity with younger viewers and athletes alike, offering the Tour a bleak outlook. Levy is banking on reducing shot times from 40 seconds to 30 seconds and bringing in fuel-injected racing carts to enhance the experience and potentially bring in a sorely-needed younger audience.
“You can’t just reduce the times, you need to bring them in, and I can’t think of anything that would pack them in like social sophisticates in plaid pants popping wheelies and spraying mud in between shots,” CEO Jay Monahan said.
“The integrity of the game will remain intact,” Levy explained. “It will still be man against ball. We’ll just be selling a lot more funnel cake and pouches of Levi Garrett.”
Levy expects the initiatives to be in observed when the 2018-19 PGA Tour season kicks off with the Culvert County Invitational Golf Classic in October.

USA disgraced after yet another shootout

PYEONCHANG, South Korea — Team USA was humbled by another shootout, this time at the 2018 Winter Olympics, where the American men’s hockey team was eliminated from competition following a 3-2 loss to the Czech Republic. The loss was just the latest in a long string of shootout losses for the Americans.
Team USA Coach Tony Granato was stunned by the loss.
“There’s a lot of competition here, but you kind of think, we’re American and we can coast this, we can do this. And we do, we roll along just fine for a while, then bam! It’s another shootout, and Team USA just doesn’t have a great track record with shootouts lately,” Granato explained.
The weary Americans, reeling from another recent loss, were outshot 29-20 by the Czech team..
“You’d think the Americans would get to take all the shots. That’s how it usually works, right? But that’s not how it works in international play,” said one coaching assistant. “They get to take shots, too. It really levels the playing field.”
“I just don’t get it. We’ve practiced this. We’ve prepared and prepared and prepared some more. We’ve talked about it, we’ve lined up the X’s and the O’s . But where has it gotten us? Team USA keeps getting involved in shootouts, and we keep losing. I’m not sure what it is we’re doing wrong,” Coach Granato groused.

NBA just going to go ahead and hire Bjork to sing national anthem next year

Following a retro-bluesy rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner” by pop star Stacey “Fergie” Ferguson at the 2018 NBA All-Star Game that inspired uncomfortable laughter, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver has decided that the league should just hire Bjork next year.
While some drew comparison’s to Marilyn Monroe’s breathy birthday performance for John Kennedy, other’s found Fergie’s erratic, uneven rendition — a straight cover of the version from Macy Gray’s “50 Favorite Funeral Marches” album — somewhere between mildly strange and highly inappropriate. Several NBA stars were seen openly laughing at the rendition.
“Jesus eff — weird, that’s what it was. Weird and a little uncomfortable. That tears it, I’m just going to go ahead and hire Bjork next time,” said Silver, referencing the talented Icelandic artist who is as well known for eccentricity as she is for her vocal range.
“At least with Bjork, you know what you’re getting. What have we got to lose after this?” Silver queried.

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Patriots to fire referees who oversaw Super Bowl 52 loss

Before the rigor mortis could even set in on the New England Patriots Super Bowl 52 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles, the wheels began to turn on fortifying the franchise.

While questions about Bill, Brady and Gronk will certainly float over the coming weeks or even months, the only firm decision the team has made is to terminate their personal contracts with league officials who oversaw the Super Bowl defeat.

Despite the near-miss at a 6th title for the duo of head coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady, the franchise has spent the past two seasons dealing with varying degrees of internal strife, and some of that was certain to boil over in the wake of the Super Bowl setback. Less than 10 minutes after the final guns sounded and the playing field was overrun with a green and white celebration, the Patriots locker room was ripe with stern language for the officiating crew.

“They didn’t do their job,” head coach Bill Belichick reported. “I mean, you can review the films for yourself. For the most part, they did a fantastic job calling the game, the early false start that kept the Eagles out of the end zone was just what we needed, but as the game progressed, we kept waiting and waiting for the calls we needed to win the game, the calls we paid for, and those calls weren’t there.”

“Those guys called the game on the level,” quarterback Tom Brady sulked. “Therein is where the problem starts. Did you see the non-call on the Graham strip? That was a clean strip, all the way, and they were supposed to find some reason to call the penalty and advance the ball for us. For the love of … there was under 20 seconds on the clock, how do they just not make up a call right then? That’s their job. That’s what they are paid to do. They didn’t do their job.”

Owner Robert Kraft said that while the contract terminations wouldn’t be official until he had time to pour kerosene on the contracts in his office, that the team separating from this particular officiating crew was inevitable.

“Do you have any idea how big of a pain it is to get the league to agree to entirely new  officiating crews of our choice for significant contests next.
“This was money poorly spent. We’ll know better next time.”

 

Eagles lead Super Bowl in 3rd; referees discuss whether to start butchering calls, assisting Patriots

With the score 29-26 and only minutes to go in the 3rd quarter, Super Bowl referees were reportedly discussing whether they needed to swindle the Philadelphia Eagles with butchered calls and hand the New England Patriots another Super Bowl crown.

Referee Carl Cheffers was concerned about this situation before the game.
“If the Eagles play well, we’ll have to make it look like Tom Brady fourth quarter theatrics, even though we know it gets less and less convincing every time. If the Patriots stay close, it’ll be a spot decision.”

NFL referee Clete Bakeman was unavailable for comment, choosing to spend his down time on the phone with a luxury auto broker.

Cleveland Indians reveal new inclusive mascot to replace Chief Wahoo

The Cleveland Indians revealed their new team mascot Tuesday morning, replacing the popular but long-begrudged Chief Wahoo logo with a new turbaned “snake charmer” caricature that team president Chris Antonetti believes will be “more inclusive, and considerably less offensive to our Native American brothers and sisters, and the greater native population at large.”
The team announced only Monday that it intended to bid goodbye to the Chief Wahoo logo in the 2019 season. Many saw the Indians staff revealing a new logo within 24 hours of the Chief Wahoo announcement as evidence that this change has long been in the works.
The Indians and their fans have used or recognized versions of the Chief Wahoo logo, a grinning red-skinned caricature, since as far back as 1932, with the popular modern version first officially appearing in 1949. The team previously contemplated dismissing the logo caricature in 1994, when the team moved into Jacobs Field, and in 2013 removed the Chief’s likeness from their caps, although the likeness remains on jersey sleeves and other team merchandise.
Several other “Indian” themes have fallen to the wayside over the years, including removing the Wigwam, a teepee that used to stand beyond the outfield wall, in 1973, and ending the ritual of “scalping” losing teams in 1990, which some fans found degrading and excessive.
Other logo-themed controversies have surfaced over the years. In 1991, settlers armed with muskets stormed Cleveland Stadium, shooting several players and forcing the team out of the stadium. The team played the 1992 and 1993 seasons on a dirt lot afforded them by the settlers until Jacobs Field (now Progressive Field) opened in 1994.
“We wanted to have a logo which was more inclusive to America’s native population, while not re-branding the team altogether,” Antonetti explained while revealing the new logo, a menacing, scowling figure with a turban and a gold earring. “The new mascot, as you can see, makes no reference to the native people nor their culture.”
Bob DiBiasio, the Indians Vice President of Public Affairs, emphasized to reporters that the team “appreciate(s) that many of our fans identify with the logo, and we’re going to give them their due by giving Wahoo a proper sendoff in 2018, then moving forward with Habib in 2019,” Antonetti stated during a Tuesday press conference.
Antonetti defended the decision to wait a year before progressing to the new logo. “It’s a year. Only a year. A year should be plenty of time for us to create an artificial market based upon the perception of rarity and long-term investment value before we unload the warehouses of decades worth of back stock and flood the market with as many cheap replicas of the Chief Wahoo likeness as possible. We’ll donate any remaining gear — if any — to some poor soul in Nicaragua who will value the shirt for the value of the fabric and the protection it provides, not the branding.”
DiBiasio offered an apology to the community at large: “We’d like to offer our apologies to anyone who has been offended by the mascot, and hope that they understand our position on keeping the logo through the years. In kind, we hope that everyone can enjoy our new, harmless, inclusive snake charmer logo, and that we can move on with this dark chapter of the team’s history behind us.”