Former president George W. Bush: “I did not do 311”

The former president, relaxed until now, began to shuffle from side to side in his seat, his hand raising to touch his chin. His smile dissipated, creating room for a serious and thoughtful glare as the depth of the question hit him.
“I think it’s time we come clean about that ugly rumor,” he told Brown Valley Observer’s Randy Everend. “I absolutely did not do 311.”

Once the words had passed his lips, an expression of relief washed across his mug. Rumors that he had a personal encounter with popular rock band 311 have haunted former United States President George W. Bush for the better part of 20 years. Each September, he says, as the anniversary of the incident draws near, he can hear the murmurs begin.
“Bush did 311, they say. You’ve heard it, I’ve heard it, we’ve all heard it countless times. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve been called a cocksucker,” says Bush. “I’ve always been polite and ignored it, because I know it’s only about 311,” Bush explained.
Of course, it’s all a silly rumor, the ex-president insists.
“I did see them, of course, with the girls, ” Bush recalled. “(311) had all of those hits in the 1990s, they were really hot. The girls (twin daughters Barbara and Jenna) loved them. As a band, I thought they were, you know, ok if that’s your style. The twins thought (311 singer) Nick Hexum was cute, and I thought P-Nut (bassist Aaron Wills) had strong, handsome features and, I thought, a really nice body. Some of the guys were not quite as hot as Nick and P-Nut but they were good enough musicians to be in 311 so I’m sure they got theirs wet every now and then, too.”
Bush explained that he sneaked out to see the band in Richmond, Virginia in late September, 2001 (“The girls dragged me to it, they said I just needed a break. So, we went incognito, and amazingly we got away with it, or at least thought we got away with it”) and that the Bush trio met the band backstage (“I wasn’t wild about the idea, it was a difficult time, but the girls insisted”).
The official White House position was always to deny that Bush had met with 311, the main reason why Bush held his silence. But, he insists, rumors that he did the band during this meeting were wildly exaggerated.
“Every time I hear ‘Bush did 311’ its like a punch to the heart,” the former president admitted. “They were really nice guys, I really enjoyed the time we spent together, but doing them never even crossed my mind. I can’t stress this enough: I absolutely did not do 311. I’m just not really that into any of that faggot stuff.”
As rumors of the hush-hush encounter persisted, likely leaked by the band, it seemed a realistic parallel for fans to draw: that George W. Bush had done 311. Nick, the band’s singer, helped fuel the rumors when he became increasingly and vocally discontent with the president in the months following the meeting. It seemed fair to assume that the president and Nick were being pushed apart by a lover’s quarrel.
Decades later, Bush thinks it is important to nip those rumors in the bud.
“The whole 311 thing, it’s just a smear campaign. I can personally guarantee: there was no ball cupping, no sneaky-finger in the corn-chute, none of it. We shook hands when we parted. We didn’t even kiss.”
Nick Hexum’s personal feud with the president went on for years. In 2004, Hexum played a tour of swing states to support 2004 Democratic candidate John Kerry in Kerry’s campaign run against Bush. Kerry lost, but the band continued to tour through the Bush era despite Hexum reportedly never knowing what it was like to love the President, to cup the President’s buttock in his rockstar hand, to nuzzle him gently, or to press his tongue into the presidents ear or felch him.
“I’m not a fag,” the president reiterated. “Next question.”

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