Actress Meg Ryan charged with role in 1989 orgasm hoax

New York police investigators have arrested Meg Ryan, 57, concerning a 1989 incident in which the actress is believed to have staged a “hoax” demonstration during which she “loudly and deliberately faked orgasms”. Police believe that the incident was staged to further Ms. Ryan’s acting career.

A video detailing Meg’s 1989 “orgasm hoax” has been well circulated in the 29+ years since the incident.

New York Police Commissioner addressed surprised and relieved reporters about the incident during an early Friday press conference, stating:

“This investigation surrounded a well-known incident in 1989 in which Ms. Ryan continued to fake orgasm after orgasm right in the middle of Katz’s Delicatessen in Manhattan during peak hours, with cameras present recording the entire demonstration. While there are no direct laws against having an orgasm in a delicatessen, there are, in fact, laws stating that a person cannot demonstrate without a proper license, and stating one cannot stage a demonstration under deliberately false pretense.

“We have adequate reason to believe, based on repeated recorded testimonies from some of Ms. Ryan’s closest friends including Robert Reiner and William Crystal and even Ms. Ryan herself, that the entire event was staged to draw attention to Ms. Ryan. She then used this demonstration — performed entirely under false pretense — to land lucrative roles in such films as Joe Versus the Volcano and Hurlyburly.”

“It’s such a well-known hoax,” the commissioner stated at one point, sighing. “I’m embarrassed that we’ve never approached this case. Many parts of the past 29 years have been a tremendous failure when we’ve been so well informed and we’ve never done anything about it. ”

At least one video of the “fake orgasm” was released a few months after the incident. The video has become very well circulated in the past 29 years.

Investigators indicated that they had plenty of evidence related to the incident that could assure a conviction, including the “virtual impossibility that Ms. Ryan — or any other woman, for that matter — could achieve orgasm with actor Billy Crystal in the same room.”

O’Neill expects a challenge concerning applicable statutes of limitations on cases of public demonstration, but reiterated his own stance that , “Even if they find something, well, we all know that there should be no damn statute of limitations on such a heinous, heartless display.”

O’Neill concluded the press conference by announcing that New York Police had also brought O’Neill’s wife in for questioning concerning a similar, more recent incident.


Barack Obama plans to stop inviting rappers who promote misogyny to White House events

In a reversal on previous White House policy, Barack Obama has decided to stop inviting rappers who promote misogyny and toxic masculinity to White House events.
President Obama expressed his reversal of views during a lecture at a Town Hall in Oakland.

“You seem stressed,” Obama quipped about rappers whose imagery is rooted in money and ‘twerking’. “We have enough stress at the White House without adding to it. There’s this whole Trump thing happening and my administration needs to stay focused.”

Obama has played host to numerous rappers at White House events, including moguls Jay-Z and Rick Ross. The White House stood firmly behind their invitations at the time, but Obama says there has been a shift in his administration’s views.

“Early in 2017, I began to feel like maybe I needed to distance myself a bit from inviting that type of artist into the White House. There seemed to be a cultural shift happening right around that time where the lines between right and wrong became blurred and suddenly everything these guys were saying that had always been right … well, it just wasn’t right anymore,” Obama told the crowd in Oakland.

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Prior to his formal statement on the shift in approach, White House officials had previously indicated that Obama was not comfortable with Donald Trump inviting Kanye West to confer in the Oval office.

“We don’t disrespect our house like this,” Obama was reported to have told members of the White House staff after the West conference.

“We have no idea why he keeps telling us all this,” an anonymous staffer confided.

Scott Baio on set of GG Allin biopic: “My body is a TV movie temple”

Scott Baio, who Brown Valley News recently revealed to be starring in an upcoming biopic on nihilist punk singer GG Allin, has declared his body a “TV movie temple.”
“My body is a TV movie temple, and my flesh and body fluids are a communion to bored housewives, whether they like it or not” said Baio.


“This is my place. The TV movie empire should be destroyed and rebuilt in my image,” Baio proclaimed. “There’s no one better at this than Scott Baio.”
Baio previously indicated that he wasn’t sure he would be able to muster the “anger and attitude” it would take to portray the notoriously naked, poo-flinging punk rock icon.
“I still don’t know if I have it down, so to speak. I’m a method actor and I thought maybe this role would change me in some way. But it hasn’t. This whole deal doesn’t make me feel like any different person than I did before,” said Baio of his experience on the set while peeling a banana during a break. “Acting is an art form. It’s easy to separate this — this — from real life when you’re an accomplished thespian.”
Baio added, “GG Allin was just a man, no different from you or me. We all have this thing inside of us, but only some of us can let it out. Take me for example. From the very beginning, you know, there’s just always been a fierce, intense fire burning inside of me, and sometimes I feel like my soul is just beyond this fucking universe.”
“But I’m Chachi, you know. And Chachi is a badass in his own way.”
Asked about future plans, Baio revealed that he planned to “live until (he) dies on the outskirts of life.”
“I’m thinking a ‘Charles in Charge‘ reunion is right out,” Baio laughed.

Finally! Fugazi to reunite for DC Police benefit concert

DC punk rock and hardcore fans were offered an opportunity to rejoice Wednesday when Fugazi frontman Ian Mackeye announced that the band would reunite to headline a charity show to benefit Washington police.
Slated to take place at the Howard Theater, “Punks For Police” will showcase several punk and hardcore artists to help provide crucial charity relief for the underfunded Metropolitan Police Department. A performance by DC straightedge legends Fugazi, on hiatus since 2002, is certain to pack the 1200+  seat theater.
“This is the kind of thing we always tried to do, to give a little back where we could to the streets that raised us,” Mackaye told a reporter from CVTO. “I’ve kept so busy with Dischord (Records, Mackaye’s record label), there’s hardly been time for any playing.  But I think this was the perfect storm, the perfect opportunity for us to dust off our bones and our chops a little.”
“This is a great cause, an important cause for the whole DC community. I think I have tried to convey through all of my projects that while the youth might be disaffected, we need to treat our community law enforcement with respect and ardor.”
Fugazi will be joined by several bands and seminal punk performers at the event, including side projects from Henry Rollins and a set by MDC. Numerous local band are expected to fill the early time slots at the 8-10 hour May event.
“It might be a little rough this go,” Mackaye joked, referencing the band’s reputation for tightly-played performances. “We haven’t exactly done this in a while.”
The news came less than 24 hours after it was announced that Fugazi drummer Brendan Canty would play on the upcoming “MC50” tour, celebrating the 50th anniversary of the MC5. The tour will also feature Soundgarden’s Kim Thayil and King’s X alumni Dug Pinnick alongside vocalist Marcus Durant and original MC5 members Wayne Kramer and Dennis Thompson.
“As soon as I heard, I was like, oh my God!” declared 25 year old District resident Haydyn Grella. “Not only am I going to get a chance to see Brendan play with this group of old-time musicians, I’m going to get to see my faves, Fugazi, for the first time with a lot of other old-time punk bands. Oh. My. God!”
DC Police chief Peter Newsham applauds the concert and says the city will gladly provide security support at the venue, both inside and out.
“Aside from the well-needed funding, we’re also looking forward to the fact that a concert like this will keep a lot of our problems in the city contained within a one-block radius for the evening. That’s like a second contribution, all by itself,” Newsham stated.

Pink Floyd to release box set based around “Goonie Goo Goo” or whatever the hell that album is called

Tedious Records, a division of EMI, is plotting a 2018 release for a 9-disc box set based around Pink Floyd’s Goonie Goo Goo or Chumbawumba or whatever the hell that album is called.
Originally released in 1969, The double-LP Goonie Goo Goo (or Ooby Dooby or whatever) is considered by many fans to be a definitive work, combining a seminal live album with a second conceptual studio record, separated into four sections each recorded individually and featuring mainly farts, whistles and scratching noises, providing each band member with an opportunity to literally shit into a mixing board.

Cover art from Goonie Goo Goo or Ooby Gooby or whatever

Well known for tracks like “Space Something Or Other, I Think” and “That One With All The Noises With the Animals and Shit”, Whatever-the-Fuck-You-Call-It was remastered in 1994 and again in 2011. The new box release will include the original mix as well as the 2011 remasters, plus 6 discs worth of additional material and outtakes from the 1969 studio sessions.  Of particular interest to fans, the set is scheduled to include a previously unreleased track by Roger Waters that is comprised of 171 consecutive minutes of some indeterminable screeching sound. It will be spaced over 3 CDs in the box set, although digital purchases will include the full demo on a single, droning track.

NBA just going to go ahead and hire Bjork to sing national anthem next year

Following a retro-bluesy rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner” by pop star Stacey “Fergie” Ferguson at the 2018 NBA All-Star Game that inspired uncomfortable laughter, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver has decided that the league should just hire Bjork next year.
While some drew comparison’s to Marilyn Monroe’s breathy birthday performance for John Kennedy, other’s found Fergie’s erratic, uneven rendition — a straight cover of the version from Macy Gray’s “50 Favorite Funeral Marches” album — somewhere between mildly strange and highly inappropriate. Several NBA stars were seen openly laughing at the rendition.
“Jesus eff — weird, that’s what it was. Weird and a little uncomfortable. That tears it, I’m just going to go ahead and hire Bjork next time,” said Silver, referencing the talented Icelandic artist who is as well known for eccentricity as she is for her vocal range.
“At least with Bjork, you know what you’re getting. What have we got to lose after this?” Silver queried.

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So, this is The Future of Gaming; more video game teases leaked to media

Video game aficionados have looked on in awe as more details about The Future of Gaming have leaked to news and internet media in the past 24 hours.

Screencaps from the latest Future of Gaming leak indicate the game is still in Beta testing.

This is the latest in an extended series of “teases”, unexpected leaks concerning The Future of Gaming, a mass-casualty first-person shooter game built around an isolated main character who confronts his or her psychological demons during a frighteningly realistic public showdown. A full US release has been touted for almost two decades, with leaked versions surfacing as frequently as a dozen times per year, although a formal roll-out is not expected.

To date, The Future of Gaming has been teased mainly through a series of fan-made videos filmed in an amateur “found footage” style. The photos and videos in the most recent glance into The Future of Gaming show a disgruntled ex-student, often pictured in dark clothing and carrying assorted firearms, engaging a high school in bloody, terrifying gunfire while racking up a massive casualty count, not unlike previous installments.

Past peeks at The Future of Gaming have largely been panned by critics, with some indicating that perhaps it might be time to get off the path of The Future of Gaming. Gaming fans seem undeterred by those critiques, and overall interest in gaming continues to grow.

Flashback! Look how happy Trump was to stand next to this Ed Hardy shirt!

Trump put on his best smile for this Ed Hardy creation.

NEW YORK – Here’s a blast from the past!
In 2009, while hosting TV’s “The Apprentice”, the affable Donald Trump encountered an Ed Hardy shirt so fantastic that he couldn’t help but to have his photo taken standing right next to it.
“He really loved Ed Hardy merchandise,” a production assistant revealed. “Sometimes he’d call it ‘majestic’ or ‘amazing’ and he’d just run up like an excited schoolboy and touch it, no matter where it was or who was wearing it. His love for Ed Hardy created a few awkward situations, to say the least.”
Then-wildly popular, the Ed Hardy brand files under ‘rarely seen’ these days.
On the other hand, then-wildly popular billionaire “Apprentice” host Trump still gets lots of exposure, although the popularity of his brand also seems on the wane.

Study of mole rings reveal rocker Lemmy Kilmister actually 74, not 70, at time of death

Melanochronologists who studied cross-sections from one of Lemmy Kilmister’s moles recently revealed that the legendary Motorhead bassist and vocalist was actually 74 years old at the time of his death in 2015, not 70 as previously believed.
Melanochronology is the study of mole rings, and it is a subcategory of the larger study of dermachronology, which determines age through studying skin and hair follicles.
“We clearly counted 74 distinctive growth rings,” reports British melanochronologist Patrick Bond, who was part of the forensic team who oversaw Kilmister’s autopsy and performed the mole removal.
Kilmister passed away on December 28, 2015 from prostate cancer, cardiac arrhythmia and congestive heart failure, a date believed to be 4 days after his 70th birthday, although that age is now contested. A series of facial moles, some of which he had removed via previous surgeries, were among his most recognizable features. One of those moles was removed and studied by Bond to determine age and other information.
“It’s probably not as fascinating as it sounds,” Bond admitted. “We lopped it off with a mustache scissor and counted the rings, just like a tree surgeon does. I’d be more interested in knowing why he chose to lie about his age, and what the estate plans to do with the mole now. Can you imagine how well it would do at a Christie’s auction?”
The age news is unlikely to rattle longtime fans, who admired the legendary frontman’s longevity, spirit, and will.

Oscars to include ‘interracial’ and ‘cuckolding’ film categories among 2019 awards

Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences president John Bailey announced Thursday that the 2019 Oscar Award Ceremony would mark the first during which the Academy recognizes and presents awards two new categories: Adult Cuckolding and Adult Interracial.
While neither the films nor their categories are new, the awards are. The Academy, well-known for recognizing mainstream fetish films for decades, had until now failed to acknowledge films in what is generally considered the “adults only” category, films often referred to as “x-rated” or pornography.
Speaking on the Today show, Bailey explained the inclusion of the new categories. “There’s a lot of film that we’ve bore the shame of not representing over the years. When direct-to-video came in, we were embarrassingly unaware of it for years. Now, here it is again, and there’s loads and loads of this type content gushing forth, just streaming all over the place online. And, again, we’ve similarly had trouble accepting as part of our community. These types of videos, many of which are of feature length, have been part of the film community for decades, and favorites of many of our esteemed colleagues. While they have been recognized elsewhere, it’s been a blight on the Academy that we have not been representing them here. It’s time that society, and the Academy in particular, comes out of the closet on this.”
Bailey offered that while there was “no particular significance in these choices”, many members of the Academy agreed that these two categories were the most “current, relevant and provided the biggest opportunity for cultural significance.”