Do you have a moment to talk about your life insurance?
Most people don’t even think about meeting the great hereafter, but sure enough, one day, out of nowhere … wham! And your loved ones are left footing the bill for your funeral arrangements, your final expenses … even taxes to some fat cat revenuer.
Hi, I’m J.D. Hogg. You may recognize me as the esteemed Commissioner of Hazzard County, Georgia and president and proprietor of Hazzard Bank, and I am here to tell you about an exciting offer available to you through Hazzard Mutual in conjunction with Jefferson Life Insurance.
The fine, moral, and upstanding people at Hazzard Mutual have come up with a simple, low-risk plan to take the worries out of your busy little head. No longer will you be the burden to your family that you fret about being.
Here’s all you have to do:
You just send us $34.95 per month — after your initial $2500 balloon investment clears, of course — and I’ll keep it all right in my vault at the Hazzard Bank, in a deposit box or appropriate briefcase, just as safe as can be. Your $34.95 will collect interest at an amazing variable discretionary rate that is guaranteed to not match federal standards, because you know how the feds are with your money. While your funds may not be FDIC insured, what could go wrong? It will be in the hands of an esteemed and trustworthy bank, located in and managed in small-town America where people still care about people.
As a bonus for participating, we match part of your monthly fee by sharing back to our clients 25% of 25% of any dollar earned on investments using Hazzard Mutual funds. And you’re guaranteed this return on any investment using your funds that does not go belly-up
And it’s as easy as sweet peach pie to enroll. You call Miss Tilligham down at the Hazzard Phone Company and she’ll patch you right through to our faithful clerks at Hazzard Mutual. You cannot be turned down for enrollment with our coverage. That’s right, your enrollment is guaranteed.
So who are you going to trust with your well being? Some wild-haired ex-con hicks driving around in an outdated orange rustbucket with racist logos all over it who claim they have your back? Or me, Jefferson Davis Hogg, a man of poise and stature who’s always looked out for your best interest and had only the purest intentions for the fine people of my jurisdiction?
Give us a call right now. The call is free for the first two minutes, and in 20 minutes or less, you can take care of your hereafter today.
Tell ’em Boss sent you.