LOS ANGELES – With containment efforts in China failing and coronavirus cases now being reported in 17 countries, a team of top doctors from The Eastman Medical Center in Los Angeles has suggested that the only way to stop the virus may be to offer it information that could lead to the arrest of former First Lady and 2016 Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.
“Containment efforts have slowed the spread of the virus, for sure, but containment through quarantines is really a 19th century philosophy,” said Dr. Douglas Howser, who has been with the center for over 30 years. “At this point, we need to find a way to bring it to a full-stop because it could take months to develop an adequate vaccine.”
“If you want something or someone dead, nothing seems more effective than linking that person or thing to Hillary Clinton as well as to a capital crime, or alternately, that person or thing having information that could lead to Hillary’s arrest.”
“How to provide the coronavirus with that type of information seems to be the only obstacle right now,” said Dr. Randall Kirger, a Virginia medical professor visiting Eastman for the research. “Certainly, being the wrong kind of virus, the coronavirus does access the internet and therefore cannot do it’s own basic research. However, being in the position to provide the coronavirus with the readily-available detailed information about an unaccounted-for crime involving the Clintons will expose several medical professionals to the virus, and if anyone can’t be trusted to wash their hands, it’s a medical professional.”
The Eastman team is currently training a team of doctors to function in a pressurized Haz-Mat suit in order to interact with the virus. The team is also being trained to memorize as many as 6,000 Tweets each including the hashtag #ClintonBodyCount.
Dr. Albert Beck, also visiting Eastman, says the Eastman Haz-Mat team should be ready within weeks.
“It’s much quicker than waiting around for a vaccine,” Beck told the Observer.
“Once we connect the convenience of few Clinton media quotes about the virus to the building body count, we believe the virus will be magically contained within three days before mysteriously smothering itself in what appears to be an act of penance or remorse within a month or two.”