“I’ll remember from now on to keep Pfizer and Starbucks and Bank of America — companies I am confident have my best interests at heart — in my nightly prayers. God bless you, corporate sponsors!”
Harper: “In the end, I’ve decided to honor other contractual obligations, obligations which led me to believe that it wouldn’t be in my best interest nor in the interests of the Nationals or the White House if I was in attendance.”
With the 2019 MLB season behind us, stoic Yankees fans plan to turn their clocks back 75 to 100 years this weekend to a time when the team were a perennial World Series participant.
“If you need someone who can whip a team of housewives into shape, I’m your man,” the former manager said in one of a series of Tweets addressed to Epstein.
“We expect that we might run into some trouble with animal activists over impaling the horses to keep them in their slots,” one official worries.
Co-star Knuckles Echidna reported that Sonic “looked like he was wearing a snow mask, like he’d just snorted the first base line at Dodgers Stadium. And he was way more lively than a 27 year old hedgehog should be, if you get what I’m saying.”