Promoting itself as “the only innovation in penis measuring technology you’ll ever need”, Wescott’s new Birdie 3000 penis-measuring rulers are designed to account for the two inches of penis that people can’t see, but that every guy totally knows is there.
“No mainstream penis-measuring ruler has ever been marketed that accounts for that part of the penis that every man knows is lurking just behind the flesh in the pelvic region, inches that are vital to measure in order to maintain the confidence of the average fellow,” said innovator Abraham Small. “The Birdie 3000 accounts for this missing, previously unmeasured length and provides results that are more satisfactory for the discerning gentleman concerned for the health and well-being of his genitalia.”
The Birdie 3000 wooden rulers measure 10 inches (25 cm) in length. Small reports that the rulers can accurately measure any penis up to 12 inches (30cm) in length.
“We had considered a 12 inch wooden ruler that could measure penises up to 14 inches, but due to budgetary restraints and the fact that the target audience will honestly probably never need it, we decided to limit this particular product to a 10 inch stick with a 12 inch measurement.”
So, can we someday expect a Birdie 4000 to measure even longer penises?
“No,” Small stated. “Like the ad says, this is it. This is the only innovation in penis measuring technology you’re ever going to need.”