As Beto O’Rourke addressed rally crowds in Iowa this weekend, one thing was for sure: he is not only the hippest but also the most candid candidate in the race for the 2020 Democratic nomination.
The dashing, skateboarding Texas Democrat had already been cited in recent days for being influenced by underground punk-DIY icon Ian Mackeye (of Fugazi, Minor Threat, and Dischord records fame) and for his days as a “shitposter” for an early influential internet revolutionary group, helping draw interest to his man-of-the-people image.
But it was what the candidate said to young voters in Iowa that is expected to connect salt-of-the-earth O’Rourke — and reconnect the Democratic party — with the dissolving youth base whom center Democrats need to salvage in order to avoid being considered “the party of socialism”, an identity that many mainstream Democrats have rallied against in recent weeks.
As the discussion in Iowa moved into his early internet involvement, the completely together, total package O’Rourke confessed, “Well — and just floating this out there — I was once a chronic masturbator just like many of you youngsters here might be. Or probably are, I should say. I mean, that’s what the internet was invented for, right?”
The crowd seemed momentarily shocked by the virtuous O’Rourke’s righteous candor, but eventually became very comfortable with the topic, chuckling along as the exceptional candidate spoke openly about his “dirty teenage habit”.
“Just like many of you young gentlemen here, I was doing my own bed laundry by the time I was 14,” O’Rourke almost-perfectly quipped. “And we were Catholic, so I really had to be careful.”
“Of course, technology then was a little different, the internet was very young and everything was kind of grainy so you didn’t know if you were looking at a nipple or a misplaced pixel. I probably banged it out to a smudge once or twice, you know what I mean? (laugh) You really were better to borrow a VHS or find an old stack of skin mags in a black bag in the forest while you were out thrashing on your board with your bros back then. Heaven knows, I tried everything.”
The very handsome and desirable O’Rourke went on to reveal an extensive knowledge of Tori Welles, Diedre Holland, Lois Ayres, Christy Canyon and Nina Hartley, and admitted to being a fan of Ron Jeremy, who he affectionately referred to as “Hedgehog”.
“But that’s not really why we’re here tonight, is it? To talk about what we do when we’re alone, even if it’s what we’ll be doing later?” the totally bitchin’ former Congressman joked.
“We’re here tonight to do things together.”