Resident Mike Atsonfar reports that eating a store brand pizza purchased from Clunge Valley Grocery has resulted in a “nasty case of store-brand diarrhea”.
Mike, a Culvert County househusband, recalls that his “total bitch wife” brought the chicken bacon ranch pizza home from Clunge Valley Grocery because “she said they were out of Tombstones, like that’s even a thing.”
“She was just being cheap,” Atsonfar claimed, adding that “she knows good and goddanged well” he prefers Tombstone sausage while gaming, watching Netflix, or playing online.
Mike’s wife Alicia reports that the man loudly complained that an 80-cent saving couldn’t possibly be worth the cramping pains, cold sweats, shuddering, trembling, and raw buttocks that resulted from hours spent in the bathroom “hovering over the toilet and painting the back of the bowl Jackson Pollock brown”.
“I’m perfectly comfortable with the normal, everyday diarrhea I get from my usual brand, but this was a crap too far,” the man whined.
“It’s a frozen pizza. I’m not sure what he expects, unless he learns to cook for himself while I am at work,” Alicia reasoned.
Alicia moaned about the splatter-related event led Mike to miss another job interview.
“For all of his bellowing and grousing about it, he’ll just end up asking for this stupid pizza again,” she predicted.
Brown Valley Observer 