Study: Condemning “thoughts and prayers” equally as effective as sending thoughts and prayers after a tragedy

To the dismay of American theists, a new study confirms that the emergence of bitterness and sarcasm towards people who send thoughts and prayers after a tragic event has proven an effective replacement for the passive “thoughts and prayers” movement it supplanted.
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Crisis experts from Tranpower, a scientific think tank in San Bernardino, confirmed the findings of their 2-year social media study at a conference in Los Angeles on Friday. The study showed that complaining about people who send thoughts and prayers has an equal physical effect on “rectifying acts universally considered horrible by people of any political persuasion”.
“Physical results matter, and we found that the effect achieved by condemning people sending thoughts and prayers is not only equal to the physical effect of sending thoughts and prayers, but we also failed to find evidence supportive of the notion that such persistent condemnation has not always produced an equal effect,” reported Julia Stibber, a spokesperson from Tranpower.
“Instead of just feeling insulted like they were in the past, this new method of helping those in need offers particular feelings of pride and smarm to those who spread such condemnation, positive feelings that these people might never have felt before in similar situations.”
“It speaks to the powers of science — and to some extent pessimism — being the building block of society, not religion” Stibber concluded.
The conference room was abuzz after the Tranpower presentation.
“Nothing says you’re only thinking about yourself like sending thoughts and prayers,” said conference attendee Rosa Phillips, whose philanthropic ventures to date have been limited to posting continuous opinions online while garnering no considerable influence. “Just save it, they don’t need need or want to know that the community is offering love and strength during their time of need.”
“I just wish religious people realized how big of assholes they can be,” stated Bill Sederhill, a woman’s studies major from UCLA. “You have to be pretty stupid to think that thoughts and prayers are fixing anything, and I am more than glad to express my disgust with these people after a tragedy. Even if I haven’t personally heard anyone offer thoughts and prayers, you just know they’re out there, thinking, praying. It’s our shared responsibility to cut them off and to set up a partition wall between those imaginary thoughts and prayers and their target and meet them with some very real pessimism.”

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Scott Baio on set of GG Allin biopic: “My body is a TV movie temple”

Scott Baio, who Brown Valley News recently revealed to be starring in an upcoming biopic on nihilist punk singer GG Allin, has declared his body a “TV movie temple.”
“My body is a TV movie temple, and my flesh and body fluids are a communion to bored housewives, whether they like it or not” said Baio.

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“This is my place. The TV movie empire should be destroyed and rebuilt in my image,” Baio proclaimed. “There’s no one better at this than Scott Baio.”
Baio previously indicated that he wasn’t sure he would be able to muster the “anger and attitude” it would take to portray the notoriously naked, poo-flinging punk rock icon.
“I still don’t know if I have it down, so to speak. I’m a method actor and I thought maybe this role would change me in some way. But it hasn’t. This whole deal doesn’t make me feel like any different person than I did before,” said Baio of his experience on the set while peeling a banana during a break. “Acting is an art form. It’s easy to separate this — this — from real life when you’re an accomplished thespian.”
Baio added, “GG Allin was just a man, no different from you or me. We all have this thing inside of us, but only some of us can let it out. Take me for example. From the very beginning, you know, there’s just always been a fierce, intense fire burning inside of me, and sometimes I feel like my soul is just beyond this fucking universe.”
“But I’m Chachi, you know. And Chachi is a badass in his own way.”
Asked about future plans, Baio revealed that he planned to “live until (he) dies on the outskirts of life.”
“I’m thinking a ‘Charles in Charge‘ reunion is right out,” Baio laughed.


Shocking! This Nevada gubernatorial candidate met in private with a Russian agent. You’ll never guess what happened next!

Clunge Valley Times-Observer has learned that Nevada Libertarian gubernatorial candidate Jared Lord was spotted near his Las Vegas home meeting with a Russian agent on Friday, March 9.
Lord, currently among the front-runners among candidates guaranteed ballot access in November, was spotted getting out of a white sedan and conversing briefly with the driver, who “clearly had a thick Russian accent”.
CTVO caught up with Lord and questioned him about the meeting. Lord confessed that the gentleman with whom he had met was a Russian agent who Lord claims works with a private contractor called “Lyft”.
Initial attempts to uncover information about a Russian agency called Lyft have proven unfruitful, indicating that the group likely works in secrecy.
Lord admits that money was exchanged during the meeting.
“I paid him via a phone app,” said Lord, who also confessed that he had arranged the entire meeting through his personal mobile device. He even confessed to “tipping” the Lyft agent, a courtesy generally only exchanged when one is particularly pleased with the outcome of a meeting or service. The bright young Libertarian candidate admits that he was aware that such a careless transaction would leave a paper trail. At current, it is unknown whether officials have confiscated Lord’s mobile device to track the questionable transaction.
While open about the meeting, Lord was clearly irritated when CVTO asked about more intimate details.
“I must insist it was a simple ride share and there was no collusion or any election tampering going on,” stated Lord, flashing his best I-just-met-with-the-Attorney-General-on-a-tarmac-and-and-I-swear-we-only-talked-about-grandchildren face.
“We only exchanged pleasantries,” Lord insisted, but never made clear why he chose to “tip” the Russian Lyft agent based upon a mere exchange of pleasantries, a fact that will certainly fuel speculation as investigation of Lord’s meeting further unravels.
“Clearly, not everything adds up here,” one reporter observed.
Lord reported that the agent was later seen transferring funds to a woman who Lord said “looked homeless”, a clever ruse many Russians learned from the movie Top Secret, although it is unclear for which Nevada gubernatorial candidate the homeless woman might have been working.

Local mental health statute would make it illegal for women to own guns for one week out of every month

Culvert County sheriff Cal Caitiff proposed a statute at Wednesday’s Town Council meeting would make it illegal for women aged 14-65 to possess a firearm within Clunge town limits for one week out of every month.
According to the statute, women would be required to turn all of their registered and unregistered firearms into the Culvert County sheriff’s office for one week out of every month. Women would not be disarmed as a group, but on a rotating  basis “with the exact dates to be determined on an individual basis.”

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Caitiff called the statute Operation Red Alert, indicating a high alert protocol needs to be followed to pass the measure quickly.
“We’ve had more than our fair of gun violence here in the Valley and we can’t keep waiting for Congress or even the Governor to amend these laws to handle such a mental health crisis. By taking guns from women for, you know, about a week out of every month, especially in our community, we may well save lives.  What could be more important?”
At one point, the sheriff loudly proclaimed: “This is common sense legislation if I ever heard of it!”
In spite of an objection from Councilwoman Glenning, the motion to discuss was seconded by Mabel Schwarber. The statute will move to discussion before next month’s open forum session at the Clunge Ruritan, and is ensured a vote by the Council.

Opinion: OMG did I say I supported the 2nd Amendment? I meant to say I support Republicans no matter what they say

LETTER TO THE EDITOR
To whom it may concern:
How dare anyone
question my morals and values?
They’ve never changed.
When I said that executive orders were an abuse of power, I meant I opposed a Democrat doing it.
When I said that I opposed a president golfing regularly, I meant I opposed a Democrat doing it.
And when I said that I opposed gun control measures, I couldn’t possibly have been more clear: I obviously meant that I did not want Democrats enforcing them.
Please, remind me of a time, just one, when I said that I did not support Republican gun control efforts, unquestioningly?
Come on! Trump’s ideas are obviously real progress that we can all get behind, right? I mean, it’s totally common sense, and that’s what I’ve supported all along, isn’t it? Common sense Republican policies, that’s me all the way!
I never said that we needed to protect ourselves from governments both foreign and domestic, did I?
I never repeated “shall not be infringed” over and over again in a social media thread, did I?
I didn’t call everyone who opposed my ideologies “gun-grabbing Commie pussies”, did I?
Oh, I did?
Well, even if I said something once or twice, what I meant is that I don’t trust Democrats in power. Come on, I thought that was obvious.
Look, I really don’t care what happens, so long as my party, the party I vote for without question, is pulling the strings.
So long as the president is a Republican, it’s fine. It all makes perfect sense now. I get it.
I’ve always supported Republican gun-grabbing measures.
And now that a Republican is stepping up to the plate, I just want to be clear: OMFG wow! I LOVE gun control now!

Sincerely,
Ralph Moats
Clunge, Virginia

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Eating store-brand pizza gives man store-brand diarrhea

Resident Mike Atsonfar reports that eating a store brand pizza purchased from Clunge Valley Grocery has resulted in a “nasty case of store-brand diarrhea”.
Mike, a Culvert County househusband, recalls that his “total bitch wife” brought the chicken bacon ranch pizza home from Clunge Valley Grocery because “she said they were out of Tombstones, like that’s even a thing.”
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“She was just being cheap,” Atsonfar claimed, adding that “she knows good and goddanged well” he prefers Tombstone sausage while gaming, watching Netflix, or playing online.
Mike’s wife Alicia reports that the man loudly complained that an 80-cent saving couldn’t possibly be worth the cramping pains, cold sweats, shuddering, trembling, and raw buttocks that resulted from hours spent in the bathroom “hovering over the toilet and painting the back of the bowl Jackson Pollock brown”.
“I’m perfectly comfortable with the normal, everyday diarrhea I get from my usual brand, but this was a crap too far,” the man whined.
“It’s a frozen pizza. I’m not sure what he expects, unless he learns to cook for himself while I am at work,” Alicia reasoned.
Alicia moaned about the splatter-related event led Mike to miss another job interview.
“For all of his bellowing and grousing about it, he’ll just end up asking for this stupid pizza again,” she predicted.

Trump comes unhinged in series of tweets about Funyuns

Donald Trump took to Twitter Monday afternoon in a series of graphic Tweets that reflected his disdain for the residual odor associated with Funyuns onion-flavored snacks.
“Frito-Lay, I’m putting you on notice. Your Funyuns snacks smell truly horrible!” Trump Tweeted shortly after noon Monday.
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While some Twitter followers jumped to point out that there is no evidence to support the President’s claim that Funyuns is “tanking” (the snack enjoyed over 3% growth in sales in 2017), some followers agreed that this was the president’s least controversial Tweet in months.
But Trump wasn’t done tearing into Frito-Lay, almost immediately following with a graphic description of the odor …funyuns 1

…and an unhinged claim about the effects Funyuns consumption has on the male anatomy that left many followers feeling “awkward”.funyuns 2

With the Twitterverse abuzz about the President’s “inappropriate” comments, some followers suggested that Trump might alleviate his Funyuns-related issues by washing his hands before using the restroom. Trump labelled them “complainers”.funyuns 3

The tweets were met with varied responses, mostly along party lines.
“While I would love to agree with (the President) on this, I’m not sure why he chose to be the messenger. This sounds more like something we should be learning from Charlie Sheen, not the POTUS” one reporter tweeted.
Another follower commented that he was “amazed that washing onion powder off of your hands before peeing has become a partisan issue.”
An avid Trump supporter agreed with the President, responding on the President’s Twitter threads, “I know! My thing smells like onions all the time! #MAGA #TrumpTrain woot woot!”

PGA announces new pace-of-play measures to include souped-up race carts

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Professional Golfer’s Association President Paul Levy announced new pace-of-play initiatives for the golfing tour’s 2018-19 schedule, including reduced time at the tee for shots to be made, and the introduction of souped-up golf carts that can zip players along the course at speeds in excess of 80 mph.
Pace of play initiatives are designed to speed play along on a tour that feels that the sport moves too slowly to engage the modern audience, hampering it’s popularity with younger viewers and athletes alike, offering the Tour a bleak outlook. Levy is banking on reducing shot times from 40 seconds to 30 seconds and bringing in fuel-injected racing carts to enhance the experience and potentially bring in a sorely-needed younger audience.
“You can’t just reduce the times, you need to bring them in, and I can’t think of anything that would pack them in like social sophisticates in plaid pants popping wheelies and spraying mud in between shots,” CEO Jay Monahan said.
“The integrity of the game will remain intact,” Levy explained. “It will still be man against ball. We’ll just be selling a lot more funnel cake and pouches of Levi Garrett.”
Levy expects the initiatives to be in observed when the 2018-19 PGA Tour season kicks off with the Culvert County Invitational Golf Classic in October.

TV, video games, chatting online: inside the sick habits of the Florida gunman who “showed all the warning signs”

Serial television. Video games. Chatting with friends on Facebook. These and other habits are among the early warning signs that friends and acquaintances of accused gunman Nikolas Cruz report the troubled teen displayed before his February rampage at a Florida high school that left 17 dead and scores injured.
One neighbor, who encountered Cruz frequently in the last months before the shooting, said that Cruz mostly kept to himself.
“I’d be like, ‘hey, what are you up to’, and he’d be like ‘oh, I’m just going to go play some games’ or ‘I’m going to chat with some friends on Facebook’. He apparently really liked gaming and hanging out on the internet.”
“He really gave me the vibe that he spent as much time talking to people on virtual platforms as he did trying to engage them face-to-face.”
“He was really into some shows, he’d talk about that from time to time,” another neighbor revealed, pointing to Cruz’s interest in serial television. “I remember Game of Thrones and Walking Dead, those A&E and HBO type shows. I don’t know if he was into Netflix or not, but all things considered, I wouldn’t put it past him.”
“It was like TV was more important to him than having real friends,” the neighbor conveyed.”I get the feeling that he felt a little lonely sometimes. He was just filling his life with, you know, stuff. TV, computer devices, possessions, little trinkets, knives and things that brought him moments of joy, but nothing that really filled the void he was creating by not engaging others on a regular, healthy basis.”
Dr. Randall Kirger, Director of Sapphic Studies and adolescent psychology professor at Culvert Community College points to isolationism as a leading indicator of the type of emotional distress that leads teens into bouts of rage.
“This young man showed all the warning signs. People who watch a lot of television or Netflix, people who look at porn, people who spend a lot of time on their electronic devices or in the digital world in general, gamers, people who look at pictures of baby animals for comfort, these are the people who’ve isolated themselves so that they can create an illusion of control in all of their interpersonal activities. It creates a potent emotional cocktail, and those people  need to be on our radar.”
“Have you ever walked past someone and said “hello” and they never looked up from their phone or their tablet, never acknowledged that they had been spoken to at all? That person has blurred the line between fantasy and reality. That’s the person who could snap at any minute, and that’s when you need to say something. Call the police. Get that person some help,” Kirger instructed.

Chrysophobia: SPLC reports the rise of “Orange Hate” in America

The Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) announced yesterday that chrysophobia, or hatred of orange people, is on a rapid rise in the US.
The Center released reports detailing an overall growth of 20% in hate groups since 2014, with chrysophobic groups like Stop Trump and The John Cena Fan Club showing the most rapid growth.

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The SPLC indicated that strong language from liberal groups associated with the Democratic Party and leaders like Hillary Clinton as well as “degrading” media coverage of orange celebrities have likely led to the rise of what the advocacy group is now calling “Orange Hate”.
“The Cena Fan Club is straight bonkers with chrysophobes” reported an informant who chose to only be identified as Sandy Morton for this interview. “I mean, all the nationalistic imaging and lingo associated with that camp is one thing, but it goes a lot deeper.”

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Known to us only as “Sandy Morton”, one informant decided to keep his identity hidden before reporting on the Cena Fan Club.

“They hate that Hulk Hogan will always be so closely associated with the rise of WWE, the group Cena depends on to maintain a strong influence over rural American attitudes. I’ve seen them shred Hogan posters and light his figures on fire, call him orange skinned this, big orange … you know, whatever. They’re sick, sick people,” Morton stated.
In addition to Stop Trump and the Cena group, the Southern Poverty Law Center named numerous other organizations as chrysophobic or Orange Hate groups. Among them are at least four community organizational groups as well as the Southern Poverty Law Center.