“Some people are calling me a dark horse candidate, but I consider myself the black corpse candidate!” O’Rourke announced before throwing up devil horns and hissing at the confused bystanders.
Creuzot: “An officer pulling that driver to the side of the road in what amounts to an emergency situation is an inconvenience to the driver, who is wincing in pain trying to hold all that warm brown butter inside, as opposed to the driver being an inconvenience to the community.”
“I bet The Price Is Right is on right now. And I’m missing it. Just out here in the middle of nowhere, primping for a camera and missing the first Showcase Showdown.”
An insider indicates that the weary DNC may relocate to Dallas, Texas.
“They’re feeling beaten down enough by the current administration that they even considered giving (Trump) a parade down there, a well-deserved victory lap” the insider reported.
Rangers President Jon Daniels: “Let’s face it, even Mike Trout doesn’t have the drawing power of Big Sexy.”
“I was doing my own bed laundry by the time I was 14,” O’Rourke almost-perfectly quipped at a rally in Iowa, connecting himself with young voters.