The incident report indicates that Moats was crying and shouting “They’re stealing my president, now they done took my damn toe!”
“In a city that generates as much shit as DC, the toilet paper supply isn’t taken lightly,” one soldier told our reporter.
Twitter announced plans to ban the “Big Three” cable news networks from the platform, citing the “risk of inciting further violence” following a 2020 filled with rioting across America.
The shooting puts a damper on the time-honored American tradition of offering tours of federal buildings to peaceful protest demonstrators.
Members of American media broke from their shocking cycle of terrifying protest and riot-related coverage to ponder why a gun-carrying St. Louis couple in a now-viral video would assume that BLM protesters might bring violence to their neighborhood.
“A pile of burning underwear in Portland is the best way to let the president know how committed we are to a cleaner planet.”