To the dismay of American theists, a new study confirms that the emergence of bitterness and sarcasm towards people who send thoughts and prayers after a tragic event has proven an effective replacement for the passive “thoughts and prayers” movement it supplanted.
Crisis experts from Tranpower, a scientific think tank in San Bernardino, confirmed the findings of their 2-year social media study at a conference in Los Angeles on Friday. The study showed that complaining about people who send thoughts and prayers has an equal physical effect on “rectifying acts universally considered horrible by people of any political persuasion”.
“Physical results matter, and we found that the effect achieved by condemning people sending thoughts and prayers is not only equal to the physical effect of sending thoughts and prayers, but we also failed to find evidence supportive of the notion that such persistent condemnation has not always produced an equal effect,” reported Julia Stibber, a spokesperson from Tranpower.
“Instead of just feeling insulted like they were in the past, this new method of helping those in need offers particular feelings of pride and smarm to those who spread such condemnation, positive feelings that these people might never have felt before in similar situations.”
“It speaks to the powers of science — and to some extent pessimism — being the building block of society, not religion” Stibber concluded.
The conference room was abuzz after the Tranpower presentation.
“Nothing says you’re only thinking about yourself like sending thoughts and prayers,” said conference attendee Rosa Phillips, whose philanthropic ventures to date have been limited to posting continuous opinions online while garnering no considerable influence. “Just save it, they don’t need need or want to know that the community is offering love and strength during their time of need.”
“I just wish religious people realized how big of assholes they can be,” stated Bill Sederhill, a woman’s studies major from UCLA. “You have to be pretty stupid to think that thoughts and prayers are fixing anything, and I am more than glad to express my disgust with these people after a tragedy. Even if I haven’t personally heard anyone offer thoughts and prayers, you just know they’re out there, thinking, praying. It’s our shared responsibility to cut them off and to set up a partition wall between those imaginary thoughts and prayers and their target and meet them with some very real pessimism.”
President Trump told a gathering of reporters at the White House Monday that, in spite of personal limitations, he would have wrestled the Batt Reef stingray that killed Steve Irwin in 2006 and saved the beloved Crocodile Hunter’s life.
“Even though I cannot swim, I would have jumped right into that reef water or whatever you call it and used my brute strength to overpower that stingray before he could harm such a beautiful man,” Trump told the amazed crowd.
Trump previously wowed White House crowds by telling them that he would have strong-armed 9/11 terrorists and flown each of their planes to a careful landing before high-fiving President Bush while Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” blared in the background.
“I realize there were something like four or five planes, but I still think I could have pulled it off,” Trump insisted.
Serial television. Video games. Chatting with friends on Facebook. These and other habits are among the early warning signs that friends and acquaintances of accused gunman Nikolas Cruz report the troubled teen displayed before his February rampage at a Florida high school that left 17 dead and scores injured.
One neighbor, who encountered Cruz frequently in the last months before the shooting, said that Cruz mostly kept to himself.
“I’d be like, ‘hey, what are you up to’, and he’d be like ‘oh, I’m just going to go play some games’ or ‘I’m going to chat with some friends on Facebook’. He apparently really liked gaming and hanging out on the internet.”
“He really gave me the vibe that he spent as much time talking to people on virtual platforms as he did trying to engage them face-to-face.”
“He was really into some shows, he’d talk about that from time to time,” another neighbor revealed, pointing to Cruz’s interest in serial television. “I remember Game of Thrones and Walking Dead, those A&E and HBO type shows. I don’t know if he was into Netflix or not, but all things considered, I wouldn’t put it past him.”
“It was like TV was more important to him than having real friends,” the neighbor conveyed.”I get the feeling that he felt a little lonely sometimes. He was just filling his life with, you know, stuff. TV, computer devices, possessions, little trinkets, knives and things that brought him moments of joy, but nothing that really filled the void he was creating by not engaging others on a regular, healthy basis.”
Dr. Randall Kirger, Director of Sapphic Studies and adolescent psychology professor at Culvert Community College points to isolationism as a leading indicator of the type of emotional distress that leads teens into bouts of rage.
“This young man showed all the warning signs. People who watch a lot of television or Netflix, people who look at porn, people who spend a lot of time on their electronic devices or in the digital world in general, gamers, people who look at pictures of baby animals for comfort, these are the people who’ve isolated themselves so that they can create an illusion of control in all of their interpersonal activities. It creates a potent emotional cocktail, and those people need to be on our radar.”
“Have you ever walked past someone and said “hello” and they never looked up from their phone or their tablet, never acknowledged that they had been spoken to at all? That person has blurred the line between fantasy and reality. That’s the person who could snap at any minute, and that’s when you need to say something. Call the police. Get that person some help,” Kirger instructed.
PYEONCHANG, South Korea — Team USA was humbled by another shootout, this time at the 2018 Winter Olympics, where the American men’s hockey team was eliminated from competition following a 3-2 loss to the Czech Republic. The loss was just the latest in a long string of shootout losses for the Americans.
Team USA Coach Tony Granato was stunned by the loss.
“There’s a lot of competition here, but you kind of think, we’re American and we can coast this, we can do this. And we do, we roll along just fine for a while, then bam! It’s another shootout, and Team USA just doesn’t have a great track record with shootouts lately,” Granato explained.
The weary Americans, reeling from another recent loss, were outshot 29-20 by the Czech team..
“You’d think the Americans would get to take all the shots. That’s how it usually works, right? But that’s not how it works in international play,” said one coaching assistant. “They get to take shots, too. It really levels the playing field.”
“I just don’t get it. We’ve practiced this. We’ve prepared and prepared and prepared some more. We’ve talked about it, we’ve lined up the X’s and the O’s . But where has it gotten us? Team USA keeps getting involved in shootouts, and we keep losing. I’m not sure what it is we’re doing wrong,” Coach Granato groused.
WASHINGTON — US military and intelligence officials announced Monday their intent to place more armed guards around opium poppy fields in Afghanistan after a weekend raid at a lower-security location left one field ravaged.
US armed forces have been providing armed security at poppy fields in the war-torn nation since 2002, a period during which production of the opium poppy in the region has reached an all-time high.
“It only makes good sense to provide the highest level security for such a valuable and vulnerable resource,” said CIA officials in a memorandum on the heightened security and surveillance of the fields. “Leaving this particular field exposed was an oversight based in misreading our own collected intelligence. It is not in the best interest of the region nor of US military operations to leave such an asset unguarded.”
The CIA places the loss to Afghani farmers caused by the weekend invasion to be near $1.5 million, calling the loss “unacceptable”.
Time-wearied Americans are ready to dig in and re-open the gun control debate in the days following yet another tragic mass shooting, this time in Florida, less than an hour away from where Spring Training baseball is teeing up for the 2018 season.
This shooting occurred in a high school in Parkland, just 45 minutes from the Astros and Nationals’ shared facility in West Palm Beach, where pitchers and catcher have already reported for spring warm-ups, and where Bryce Harper will soon dust off his winter bones and send his first rifle shots of the new baseball season over The Ballpark’s right-center field fence.
Many Americans feel like this the gun control debate is conversation that has to be had. People are entrusting their neighbors to join them in deciding what types of firearms should be available and who should have them. Heavy with the question is the weight of yet another seventeen lives, many of them younger people just on the cusp of breaking out like the New York phenom Aaron Judge, whose quest to bury blast after monstrous blast into the seats of Yankee Stadium begins this week in Tampa, where hope for a 28th championship for the familiar Bronx squad springs anew.
But the atmosphere seems different this time, as Americans seem to have a collective resolve to step into the box, dig in their cleats, tap the bat on the plate, smell the fresh Florida spring air and face off against some kid who sent last season in the bullpen at Pawtucket.
Following a rigorous spring schedule, active rosters will pare down to 25 for Opening Day, March 29.
Video game aficionados have looked on in awe as more details about The Future of Gaming have leaked to news and internet media in the past 24 hours.
This is the latest in an extended series of “teases”, unexpected leaks concerning The Future of Gaming, a mass-casualty first-person shooter game built around an isolated main character who confronts his or her psychological demons during a frighteningly realistic public showdown. A full US release has been touted for almost two decades, with leaked versions surfacing as frequently as a dozen times per year, although a formal roll-out is not expected.
To date, The Future of Gaming has been teased mainly through a series of fan-made videos filmed in an amateur “found footage” style. The photos and videos in the most recent glance into The Future of Gaming show a disgruntled ex-student, often pictured in dark clothing and carrying assorted firearms, engaging a high school in bloody, terrifying gunfire while racking up a massive casualty count, not unlike previous installments.
Past peeks at The Future of Gaming have largely been panned by critics, with some indicating that perhaps it might be time to get off the path of The Future of Gaming. Gaming fans seem undeterred by those critiques, and overall interest in gaming continues to grow.