Vegas Golden Knights offered “Participation” Stanley cups by local 7-11


On the heels of a Stanley Cup sweep in the NHL Finals at the hands of the Washington Capitals, a dejected Vegas Golden Knights hockey team has been offered consolation Stanley cups by a local 7-11 convenience store.
According to Matahatma Mahatma, who manages a local 7-11 store, a bounty of cups featuring KISS guitarist Paul Stanley were recently discovered in his storeroom, and he has offered the cups to the team in exchange for participating in the store’s “Free Cup With Purchase of a Big Gulp” program.
“Obviously, they will need to get here before they sell out,” Mahatma announced via his Facebook page.
The Golden Knights, a Cinderella team who had made the NHL Finals in only their first season in the league, had hoped to win the Lord Stanley’s Cup associated with the NHL championship. However in the face of defeat, several members of the team seemed pleased with the offer of the participation cups.
Fighting back tears, team co-captain David Perron told one reporter “This is it. This is truly the best thing we can hope for after such a sound thrashing.”
Paul Stanley, whose “Starchild” character appears on the participation cups, was delighted to hear that his image would be distributed to the NHL runners-up.
“I’ve been following the Finals closely, as I do every year,” the KISS frontman stated. “After watching the past 4 games, I feel Vegas has certainly earned the privilege of owning a durable plastic Paul Stanley cup full of Mountain Dew for a fee that’s usually around $2 plus tax. I hope they cherish them and share them with their families and put them on their mantles, and that someday maybe their children will want to join the KISS Army or check out our fantastic online merchandise catalog.”
Team owner Bill Foley was surprisingly upbeat following the sweep, and told one media source, “If I had realized Mr. Mahatma still had these cups in storage, I probably could have saved myself a lot of money.”


Slayer concerts sell-out quickly for the first of 3 “Final Tours” the band plans

Rock fans across the nation scrambled this week to scarf up tickets to Slayer’s upcoming tour, the first of three “final tours” the band plans over the next decade.

Tickets for more than 20 Slayer concerts went on sale Friday, most selling out with an hour.

The band announced the world tour, their first ever “Final Tour” through a viral posting on the band’s social media pages less than a week ago. Tickets went on sale this week for shows in California, Texas, Ohio and the Mid-Atlantic, as well as several Canadian dates.

“This isn’t a gimmick,” Slayer’s Tom Araya reports. “This is really it: our very first final tour, the first last big go-around, and we certainly hope that it produces such lofty gate receipts to justify further touring.”

Fans are mostly optimistic about the tour, despite the “Final” notion it implies.

Slayer fan Mark Millburg of Oregon sweated it out on his phone for twenty minutes to obtain the tough-to-get tickets, and plans to drive several hundred miles to see the band play 2 California dates in May. “Normally, on a Friday, I’m working on activism projects, organizing marches and writing speeches about income inequality and hunger in America, but I was glad to take a half-hour off to plunk down $600 for a pair of great seats to see Slayer, a band who really understand the struggle of the people and of their fans, most of whom don’t have a lot, many of whom will go to sleep tonight with an empty stomach or without a safe place to lay their head.”

Texas metal fan Bill Scheidel understands the importance of seeing the first final tour. “I just wanted to see this first Final Tour, while they still have the energy to stand in place and play the material, instead of waiting for the third or even fourth final tour, when they’re propped up in wheelchairs and look and sound like real assholes trying to pull off most of their classic material.”

Jerry Germaine of New Jersey says he wouldn’t miss it. “I’ve seen all the final tours: KISS, Judas Priest, Nine Inch Nails, Phish, The Rolling Stones three times. Even though I was not encouraged to see the last few tours, I’m really invested here because this is the first time Slayer has ever done this, this is new territory for the band and many of their fans.”

“For all we know, the rest of the tours will include hologram members, This may be my last chance to see —well, maybe not really that close the original members, but an entire live band on the stage.” Germaine explained.

Slayer’s first Final World Tour opens May 10 at Valley View Casino in San Diego.

Gene Simmons addresses accusations: “Two? I’ve harassed thousands women, and I have photos to prove it!”


Gene Simmons, appearing on MSNBC’s Morning Joe Wednesday morning, responded to claims made by two women that he had sexually harassed them at public functions.

The women, Mary McGlynn and Tess Fowler, registered their claims via viral Twitter posts, and later published on Metal Injection.

Despite a recent altercation resulting in Gene being issued a lifetime ban from MSNBC rival, FOX, the harassment issue was front and central during Gene’s MSNBC appearance. Host Joe Scarborough opened the interview by angrily repeating the Tweets and demanding a response from the KISS frontman.

“Well, thanks for having me on the Morning Joe, and I just wanted to let you all know how much I loved Obama before I get into this entire ridiculous situation,” Gene started. “That’s .. that’s who we’re for here, right? Obama and the pantsuit lady? Those are my people. Anyway, Joe, thank you for bringing those tweets up. I think it’s no secret that I am a sexual creature, a very sexual creature, I advertise it, I promote it, I carry it with me, this very sexual, you know, thing — in fact, I’m working up some mental frustration over Mika right as we sit here — and the entire idea that only two women have come forward is honestly embarrassing to me. Joe, I can guarantee you, I have sexually harassed at least 10,000 women, and I have photographs to prove it.

“Women, they’re … they’re so stupid, they’re so petty. They know who I am and they know what I’ve done and mostly they’re not coming forward because they think it will embarrass me, personally, if people think Harvey Weinstein was sexually harassing more choice ass than Gene Simmons. Let me assure you, that is simply not true. I harassed those women, Joe. This is just like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, people are just waiting as long as possible to give me my due. I may have to picket.”

Gene described a series of photo albums which contain thousands of photographs of him “fondling a buttock here, grabbing a tit there.”

“These women want it, they see me, they know I’ve got the money, the prestige, the power, and they want it. They know they want it just like you know they want it. Mika wants it, just look at her sitting there, pouting. Joe, when women see me, they see the God of Thunder, and they just crave some of what I have, and I’ve never been one to leave someone hungry, Joe. I don’t know what you believe in, Joe, but I’m with … you know, I’m with the black guy, whatshisname, and we don’t believe in starving people, or letting women down.”

“But let me tell you what women really want, Joe … they want the Gene Simmons Vault, my new exclusive 38 pound CD box set — yes, really, it’s 38 pounds — hand delivered to their homes, and for just $50,000 I can do it Joe, and they can bring in up to 9 of their most attractive friends and I’ll show up at their home and hand deliver a Gene Simmons Vault and a healthy helping of me, because let’s face it … what else do they want to meet me for? They want the Vault, and a big slice of Dr. Love to go with it.”

Gene’s response to the accusation sent waves through the media, which mostly met his statement positively.

A staff writer from Jezebel, a leading feminist publication, tweeted that she found Gene’s response “refreshing and honest,and its good to hear that his vote sides with women’s issues.”

Female cast members from NBC’s long-running Saturday Night Live also signed a letter of support for Simmons, similarly chiming in about Gene’s political dedication to women’s issues.

#IWantedIt trended on Twitter for much of the morning.