Inflation elevates Bernie Sanders donation threshold from $27 to $28.32

The Bernie Sanders campaign announced Thursday that the target individual campaign donation threshold for the 2020 campaign is up $1.32, from $27 in 2016 to $28.32 in 2019.

The campaign pointed to basic inflation for the suggested increase. The campaign raised tremendous levels of financing via a requested $27 donation in 2016. The $28.32 figure is consistent with the cumulative 4.9% inflation between 2016 and 2019.

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“If we plan to compete, we’ll need to adjust accordingly and keep with the times,” an assistant to Sanders campaign manager Faiz Shakir stated. “We’ll be helping the DNC and setting up in towns all across America. You know that Bernie doesn’t don’t want to get priced out of the very best real estate, the most up to date transportation or the best agitators or foreign hackers. This is a very important election.”

The Sanders campaign hopes for the recommended requested donation to stabilize, but worries that a shift in the economy could push the requested donation past the $30 mark before the 2020 election season concludes.

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Shocking! This Nevada gubernatorial candidate met in private with a Russian agent. You’ll never guess what happened next!

Clunge Valley Times-Observer has learned that Nevada Libertarian gubernatorial candidate Jared Lord was spotted near his Las Vegas home meeting with a Russian agent on Friday, March 9.
Lord, currently among the front-runners among candidates guaranteed ballot access in November, was spotted getting out of a white sedan and conversing briefly with the driver, who “clearly had a thick Russian accent”.
CTVO caught up with Lord and questioned him about the meeting. Lord confessed that the gentleman with whom he had met was a Russian agent who Lord claims works with a private contractor called “Lyft”.
Initial attempts to uncover information about a Russian agency called Lyft have proven unfruitful, indicating that the group likely works in secrecy.
Lord admits that money was exchanged during the meeting.
“I paid him via a phone app,” said Lord, who also confessed that he had arranged the entire meeting through his personal mobile device. He even confessed to “tipping” the Lyft agent, a courtesy generally only exchanged when one is particularly pleased with the outcome of a meeting or service. The bright young Libertarian candidate admits that he was aware that such a careless transaction would leave a paper trail. At current, it is unknown whether officials have confiscated Lord’s mobile device to track the questionable transaction.
While open about the meeting, Lord was clearly irritated when CVTO asked about more intimate details.
“I must insist it was a simple ride share and there was no collusion or any election tampering going on,” stated Lord, flashing his best I-just-met-with-the-Attorney-General-on-a-tarmac-and-and-I-swear-we-only-talked-about-grandchildren face.
“We only exchanged pleasantries,” Lord insisted, but never made clear why he chose to “tip” the Russian Lyft agent based upon a mere exchange of pleasantries, a fact that will certainly fuel speculation as investigation of Lord’s meeting further unravels.
“Clearly, not everything adds up here,” one reporter observed.
Lord reported that the agent was later seen transferring funds to a woman who Lord said “looked homeless”, a clever ruse many Russians learned from the movie Top Secret, although it is unclear for which Nevada gubernatorial candidate the homeless woman might have been working.

Brown Valley Observer seeks Russian sponsor to expand unbiased reporting of our magnificent President

Online news magazine Brown Valley Observer announced Wednesday it’s intent to seek out Russian sponsors with the purpose of expanding the site’s unbiased reporting of the magnificent United States President Donald Trump.
During a July 5 presser attended by one digital recording device, Brown Valley Observer editor D.R. Everend briefed the public on the current state of  BVO’s business affairs, as well as conceding that “we’ll certainly need some more funding if we plan to accurately, and without any real bias, cover the presidency of the magnificent Donald J. Trump, and how he presses courageously through each harrowing day as the genius behind the American machine while effortlessly hurdling attempts by the mainstream media to discredit his honor.”
Everend, who sipped Russian Standard vodka and was heard whispering “it comes from such a great country”, painted a dim picture of his magazine’s past, but a brighter portrait for it’s future. “Currently, we have trouble finding the time to cover everything, with only one staff writer and no press credentials, but with the proper backing we could expand our staff and eventually get access to people like the beautiful and talented Kellyanne Conway, or to attend White House Press Briefings and social soirées attended by the brilliant Republican Congresspeople who are the backbone of our nation, or even be right in the presence of our glorious leader as we continue our quest to offer only the most straightforward and accurate reporting possible.”
Everend suggested during the briefing that any Russian investor who wished to contact him do so directly through the Brown Valley Observer website.
“I’m not entrepreneurial enough to have a secondary email, so it’s easiest to reach me right on the site. I’d suggest that you head any emails with something like ‘RE: Chinese  investors’ or ‘RE: Saudi Investors’ so as to not raise any red flags with the NSA.”
Everend said he is not sure why he feels that Russian investors would be best, but could not deny that he made at least three known Russian gang symbols with his hands during the presser. While never directly asked, he also admitted to having masturbated to photographs of Katya Sambucca “on several occasions”.

Russian intelligence hacks 8 year old’s homework assignment

Feeling that his homework assignment may have been compromised, 8 year old Kyle Figgins refused to turn in his math homework to instructor Megan Forsythe on Tuesday, citing Russian meddling.
Sources close to Figgins ascertained that the homework assignment, a practice sheet comprising 10 word problems, may have been accessed by a security breach and fallen into the hands of Russian intelligence, where the solutions “may have been compromised”.
Classmates report that Kyle requested an opportunity to confer with sources and repopulate the answer sheet with numbers which Forsythe might find more favorable. He was unable to determine how long it would take to assess the situation and respond.
“It was a real shock,” said Ms. Forsythe. “The assignment wasn’t even supposed to be online, and then something like this happens. It really frightens you about what the Russians are capable of.”
Kyle’s father Ronnie was reportedly “dismayed” and “a little unsure that this could have taken place in the manner in which Kyle describes it.” His mother Yulia, a deli worker who herself immigrated from an Eastern Bloc country during the late 1990s, reported that she had helped him with the homework.
“I found it a little confusing,” Mrs. Figgins stated to reporters. “But I am unsure how an intelligence agent could have accessed the assignment and compromised his responses.”
“It’s very frightening,” Yulia concluded. “It really takes you back to the days of the old Soviet policies.”
Figgins, who Forsythe reports is not a particularly adept student and who is prone to exaggeration and excuse-making, has been offered an extension on the assignment. Furthermore, he has been recommended to discontinue any practice of handling time-sensitive mathematics assignment sheets in a manner in which they could be compromised by Russian intelligence.

Local undecided voter needs more time before casting 2016 ballot

Bradley Coggins of Woodstock, New Hampshire, just isn’t so sure.
After 17 months of onslaught from all media sources, the 25 year old is not yet confident he is ready to make a decision at the polls.
“I may need to wait a bit,” Bradley said, staring out of a bedroom window from his mother’s rambler-style home just outside of town. “It’s a four year cycle; it may take me 40, maybe as many as 44 more months to make up my mind.”
Bradley, who received a BA in Viking Studies from Amherst in 2013 and is gainfully employed spinning a virtual prize wheel he found in a pop-up advertisement online, says he regretted his vote for (current President) Barack Obama in 2012, and doesn’t want to make that mistake again.
“President Obama was doing great for a while, but some of my Republican friends on Facebook convinced me otherwise sometime late in 2015.
“I sure felt like an asshole for having cast a vote for a Kenyan Muslim, that was pretty embarrassing,” Bradley remembered.
“I figured after that, I needed to start following better news sources.”
Bradley suggested that had he waited until early 2016 to cast his ballot, his ballot would have certainly been cast for “Mitt Romney, or maybe one of the others.”
“This healthcare thing is not what I expected, and I totally thought a black man would have legalized weed by now,” said the young man, whose room is decorated in a vintage Pokemon and Burzum theme.
“I need more time to see how one of them does,” Coggins explained. “I mean, if Hillary gets in there and just starts a war with Russia .. I don’t want to have been part of that. But with Trump, I think the Democrats have done an effective job of painting him for just what he is: deplorable, unredeemable, he’s just a candidate for the basic rednecks. We can’t let someone so judgmental of others, with such divisive language, into our White House. Americans have a reputation to think of.”
“At some point, I’m going to know that whoever is in the White House is doing bad, then BOOM, I’m going to cast my vote right against that person!”
Asked if he had considered not voting in the election, Coggins laughed.
“That’s totally irresponsible. People who don’t vote are just being selfish.”