“I was positive this would be the year, but since that’s not the case, my best bet is to once again — and for the last time, I swear — vote for someone I do not support in any way, shape, or form, neither as a person nor as a policymaker.”
Congressman Rand Kirger (I-VA) defended the choices, telling the Observer, “Kid Rock did that cowboy thing. I mean, come on … who doesn’t love the cowboy thing?”
“I’ll remember from now on to keep Pfizer and Starbucks and Bank of America — companies I am confident have my best interests at heart — in my nightly prayers. God bless you, corporate sponsors!”
A panel of psychologists who’ve researched internet attention whoring have concluded that the average social media user will never miss the average of 3 “likes” that users get whenever that user is a C-cup or smaller.
I’m not saying it’s you. I’m just saying that this person looks exactly like you, has the same insightful opinions, the same infectious sense of humor, and the same pleasant sounding voice as you have.
“Joe really lacked self-awareness on the issue,” said a campaign staffer.