Fact Check: Did Trump hire Russian prostitutes to serve as human sprinkler system at Trump Tower NY?

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A rumor circulated in a viral chain email claims that Donald Trump hired “unqualified” Russian prostitutes to serve as a sprinkler system at Trump Tower in New York City that caught fire in April 2018. The email further claims that the “human sprinklers” were dramatically understaffed.


At least part of this rumor is generated from and serves as a reminder to the popularly-cited Trump-Russia dossier that appeared before the 2016 election, part of which purported to reveal that Trump had hired two Russian prostitutes to urinate on a bed once slept in by Barack Obama. Despite the lack of evidence, questionable authenticity, then-evident questions about source, and the scrutiny that the dossier still falls under, we rated the facts presented in that dossier as being “True” in 2016.
Furthermore, Donald Trump proved that he was a spendthrift in 2016 by eating fast food and putting catsup on steak, a practice rated “unfavorable” by 86 percent of vegan respondents in a scientific poll conducted by Salon in 2016. While this evidence is non-compelling and hinges upon public opinion, and is based upon secluded events that totally ignore his record of lavish spending, we rated claims that he was a spendthrift as “Mostly True” in 2016.
As a spendthrift, it’s reasonable to suggest that Trump might have cut some corners during the building of the tower, which he probably built with his own two hands. Among these blatant and irresponsible building decisions, it’s possible that he may have decided either against a built-in sprinkler system or in favor of graham cracker walls ( which, fairly, the latter of which might become soggy and collapse when wet, leading to Trump’s personal decision against sprinklers). One way or the other, we’re pretty sure the walls are either crackers or Chinese pastries and that the floors are licorice gumdrops, and that not a single sheet of good old-fashioned American sheetrock was used in the construction.

Considering that, in our unbiased findings, Trump is a spendthrift who is exactly the kind of creep who would build his stupid tower out of canned fruit, corrugated paper materials, and fecal matter, and that he has a longstanding history of hiring cheap, dirty Russian hookers to sprinkle on everything, it’s a viable leap to “he hired Russian prostitutes to serve as a sprinkler system in Trump Tower.” Despite the fact that some portions of the evidence might point towards hearsay, circumstantial, and anecdotal, we can’t think of one other logical conclusion to draw and therefore we have concluded that the first half of the claim, that “Trump hired Russian hookers to serve as a human sprinkler system”, to be “True.”

However, the email goes on to claim that the staff was “unqualified” and that the prostitutes were “understaffed”.
To date, no published articles have surfaced to indicate the efficiency of the Trump Tower Human Russian Hooker Sprinkler System. As such, we do not know how the Russian prostitutes performed day-to-day in their duties, nor how they performed under usual circumstances, considering that many prostitutes are very functional parts of society, unlike the President. Some evidence also suggests that the Russian prostitutes had prior experience in human sprinkling.
Also to be considered is the amount that a prostitute must surely drink in order to just be in the same building as such an virtue-less man as the President. Certainly, a well-practiced prostitute with a drinking habit can hold quite a reserve in the event that she has to unsnap her garters, pull her panties to the side, and urinate on a condominium fire. For this reason, it is not knowable how many Russian prostitutes it would take to extinguish a condominium fire with urine, and therefore impossible to determine if they were staffed to proper levels.
Lacking firm and reasonable evidence concerning the ability of these prostitutes to perform their duties, our unbiased team of investigators are forced to rate the full claims of the email as “Half True”.

Bernie Sanders



YouTube Video Debunking a YouTube Shooting Debunking Video Debunked by YouTube Debunker

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A viral YouTube video debunking another viral YouTube video which debunked an earlier claim that debunked this week’s shooting of three people at YouTube headquarters in San Bruno as a “false flag” has began circulating among internet conspiracy and debunker channels.
The YouTube video, entitled “Debunked! Of Course It’s a False Flag! This A-Hole Has No Idea What He Is Talking About!” was purportedly released to debunk a YouTube video’s claim that Youtube shooter Nasim Najafi Aghdam, who killed herself after wounding three YouTube employees, was a YouTube content generator who was disgruntled over what she believed to be biases in YouTube promotion instead of an operative in a false flag operation designed to create more censorship on the internet.
The YouTube debunker who posted the video, who refers to himself as “Mark”, claimed to hold evidence that Aghdam was “brainwashed into a way of thinking by powers who saw her as prone to persuasion” and whose “lone goal is to silence voices of dissent on social media channels.” He says his video debunks the previous debunking video thoroughly, and insists that more consideration should be given to the initial debunking video, “False Flag! YouTube Shooting was Staged to Push For More Internet Censorship!” which debunked the YouTube shooting as a false flag, which he claims was not effectively debunked by the debunking video that purported to debunk those claims.
Mark offered a “personal guarantee” that videos that dissented from mainstream opinion would slowly be removed from the video network, soon to be followed by numerous other outlets who rely upon video advertising for profits. Mark also guaranteed that “the Jews are clearly behind this” and that the previous debunker was “probably a faggot or something.”
Mark’s video debunking the previous debunker’s debunking video can be seen by clicking here.

Fake news writer could win coveted fake news award

According to an email received to his hotmail.com account, Brown Valley Observer editor and principle fake news writer D.R. Everend could win a fake writing award for his work on the fake news site.
According to the email, a representative named Jill from a shadily-sourced sweepstakes house has noticed that Brown Valley Observer’s stats are “through the roof”, and informed Everend that by submitting writings from the site and a $30 processing fee, he and his Brown Valley Observer fake news site could be in the running for her unheard-of company’s previously non-existent “coveted” writing award.
“I’m a little leery of anything either Jill or I has to say or offer,” said Everend in a statement about two seconds ago, depending on your reading aptitude.
Sources close to The Brown Valley Observer could not confirm that any stats were “through the roof” noting that most times people likely just “like the headline” on social media while browsing without actually reading the articles.
“I guess it’s a pretty great honor, to be included in this bulk business email.” Everend stated.
“With this award, I would have already earned the most dubious distinction if I were to actually Paypal them the processing fee,” Everend believes, according to a Brown Valley Observer article.
“While I prefer the term exaggerated news journalist, any fake honors that this fake news site could ever earn would be due to the headline writer, since that’s mostly what people read.”
The headline writer?
“That’s mostly just me, too. But that’s stoned me. This is somewhat sober me, doing all the legwork that never gets recognized,” Everend explains.

Trigger Alert’s D.R. Everend shows off some of his finest work.


Key porn companies race to get Fidel Castro memorial porn to free market

Looking to cash-in on current events, representatives from several “major” adult film companies are racing to get a Fidel Castro porn film to market. Castro, the Cuban dictator who ceded power in 2006 and passed away last week, is slated to be the subject of numerous porn biopics.
Steven Hirsch of Vivid Video confirmed that his company is working on multiple Castro films.
“We’re going all out,” reports Hirsch. “We’re bringing in Angelina Valentine and Lela Star and a few others stars to work on multiple scripts dealing with different periods of Castro’s life. Cuban Prison Heat is kind of a prequel to the prequel to Guantanamo Gays, and it will deal with Castro’s years in prison before he led the coup, while Fidel’s Horny Ass Sluts will deal with the period in the late 1980s and early 1990s when Castro had to contend with losing Russian support”.
Patrick Collins of Elegant Angel confirmed that his company plans to include Castro as a character in some major motion picture spinoffs.
Captain Cuba: Uncivil Whore and Mad Fidel: Fury Hole are both go projects. We’re even going to give a Castro character a cameo in Kung Poo Panda 4.”
“The Panda cameo is a bit of a stretch, but we have to strike while the iron’s hot, even if it means we have to go out on a limb and  do something silly in just this one case.”
Asked who he had penciled in to appear as the deposed dictator onscreen, Collins confirmed that he had numerous stars lined up. “We’ve got Peter North with a glued-on beard, Mandingo with a glued-on beard, Rob Rotten with a glued-on beard, we have a few others working for the cameras as we speak. Time is of the essence, so we even brought in some of the top stunt cocks with glued-on beards available.”
“Unfortunately, due to financial constraints, the stunt-cocks will be wearing glued-on felt beards, as opposed to the really nice carpet ones our stars will be wearing.”
Mike from Mike’s Apartment is more concerned with historical accuracy than star quality.
“I’m thinking so long as I hire some of those chicks from 8th Street Latinas, have some communist propaganda hanging over the bed, and fuck a lot of people while I wear a glued-on beard, that’s something the Cuban and other Latin audiences will appreciate because of the honesty and accuracy.”
“You have to identify your audience and give them what they want,” Mike said. “Everyone else is going to be days in production. Me? I’m going to have 8 videos up by Thursday. Maybe ten if I can find some fresh oysters.”
“Putting anything with Fidel’s image on the free market is really sticking it to him,” Hirsch said. “Not quite like he gets stuck in that Guantanamo Gays prequel, but it’s still, you know … sticking it to him.”

In memoriam: supreme Cuban asshole, 90

Noted Cuban asshole Fidel Castro has passed away at the age of 90.
Castro was the ruling president and supreme asshole of Cuba for nearly 50 years. A revolutionary, Castro came to power in 1959 after overthrowing Fulgencio Batista, under whom Castro himself had previously been imprisoned. After the coup, Castro embraced Communism and quickly formed allegiances with Russian leaders, bringing the Cold War to the Western hemisphere and assuring that the Russians would subsidize the island nation for decades to come. With this came brutal relations with the US, which culminated in an invasion at the Bay of Pigs in 1961 as well as numerous assassination plots. The Russian deal crumbled under Russian president Mikael Gorbachev, who abandoned communism in the late 1980s, and in turn, abandoned Cuba and Castro. Without Russian support, Cuba became economically challenged. As a result of the challenges, the island nation of Cuba became bitter, burning bridges, cutting all ties with Cuba’s total bitch of a mom, sleeping in the backs of cars and rummaging around in dumpsters for food and clothing.
Castro pressed deeper into communism through the 1990s, often imprisoning defectors and punishing those who accumulated material possessions.
“The PNR (national police) would come down hard if they learned you owned anything your neighbor might not have,” said Miguel Fernández. “One time they searched me and asked if I had anything to declare. ‘Only my own misery’ I replied. I was imprisoned for one year for owning something that my neighbor might not own. In Cuba, the Regime owns all, even your misery.”
A totalitarian, Castro sated crowds with social programs and desegregation while the regime controlled every aspect of commerce and welfare and ultimately each citizen’s life. Largely because Castro was such a complete fucking dick, Cuba became increasingly isolated, and life became desperate for Cuba’s citizens. As his health deteriorated, however, Fidel appeased the masses once again by stepping down and passing the title of supreme asshole on to his brother Raúl in 2006.
Castro has been praised in recent years by socialist and communist sympathizers in the US, including Senator Bernie Sanders and Shaun King, both of whom are better noted for their compassion than their intellect.
However, his memory is best served to the Cubans who had defected to the US over the years. Cubans in the Little Havana District of Miami celebrated in the streets at the news of the demise of the Cuban dictator.
“Castro was an asshole of the highest order,” said Raúl Medina, who defected to the US in 2006. “I hope he rots in hell. That fucking dick oversaw death and pestilence, but chose the state over the people.”
“I miss my family every day,” said Antonio Arguello, a 2012 defector, “but it has been worth it, not seeing them, so that I could have a chance at life, any life at all.”
“He wasn’t so bad,” said Rick Beavers, a local college student who came to Miami to protest the celebrations.
“These people don’t the difference between socialism and state capitalism. It’s like, gosh,” reported Beavers.
Castro will be cremated according to his own wishes. Several Cuban citizens have come forward to offer to assist in the procedure.

Caving to PC, Trump suggests new “correct” racial identifiers

During a videotaped statement originally aired on CBN on Saturday, president-elect Donald Trump suggested “more correct” racial and social identifiers that could be used to help bridge the divisions that many feel have become evident in recent years.
The representative statement is the first time that an elected president has established a tone for social identifiers. Until now, accepted identifiers have generally been left to public opinion.
Pundits immediately took to the airwaves and suggested that this was a new twist on political correctness.
“This is the new PC,” suggested MSNBC’s Chris Matthews. “If Trump carries this identifiers thing through into his presidency, that’s the very height of political correctness, the very PC that Trump blared on and on about during his campaign. If he puts these things through as some sort of edict or executive order, then thats it, that’s the government’s seal of a approval, seal it with a kiss, because if you say something else they’re slamming you in a cell for being an extremist.”
In the taped speech, which ran just over 19 minutes, Trump offered new identifiers for several key US demographics, as well as rationales for each identifier, which overwhelmingly equated to community pride.
The segment of the speech concerning new identifiers for black Americans ran almost 4 minutes and was aired throughout the afternoon cable news programs, receiving mixed reviews.

The text of this segment ran as follows:

Look at the oppression our black community endures simply by being called black. Black is a horrible color, a simply terrifying color. What an ugly, putrid color. This is a word that conjures up the most negative stuff, apprehension, just sleazy, dirty, bad stuff. It’s frightening, just very frightening stuff. And look at all the things people have called them over the years. African Americans, blacks, coloreds, negroes, spades, spooks, big-lips, and a few others that it probably wouldn’t be polite to mention. It’s no wonder these communities are a mess, let me tell you. And people are coming up to me and they’re saying “We need one more-correct term to help bind the community.” Seriously this is the kind of thing that people just come up to me and say. And you know what? They’re smart, smart people. Very intelligent.
I’m not even sure what the correct term is these days. Blacks? African Americans? I’ve been hearing some people say, uh, superpredators? I don’t know that any of these binds these communities. They’ve been here for years, they’re no more African than Dave Matthews or Charlize Theron. Get over it! Africa isn’t the only place where dark-skinned people originate from, and it would be prejudiced, perhaps even racist, to suggest that’s where they’re all from or where you can ship them all back to. America should not stand for racism.
That’s why I think, and I would be willing to, you know, sign for this or whatever, but I think that if we want to identify the community with something that binds the community, I’m of the opinion that we should start embracing them as Basketball Americans.
I ran this by Steve Bannon, and he thinks it’s brilliant.

After suggesting the new name for the Basketball American community, Trump went on to suggest new names for the gay community (Fabulous Americans), people of Middle Eastern descent (Sand People), the little people community (Munchkinland Americans), as well as Calculator People, Gardener Americans, Nintendo Americans, and Those Guys With the Puka Shell Necklaces.

Public reactions
As well as the cable news attention, people took to the internet to offer their opinions on the president-elects suggestions.
“What about when I don’t feel fabulous?” Fabulous American Ray Forsythe wondered in a Twitter post.
“What the fuck? What the actual fuck?” observed Basketball American La’Quan Jefferson on a viral posting which circulated on Facebook.
“I kind of like it,” said Konstantinos Kostas, a puka shell necklace salesman from Redondo Beach.
“Wooo wooo! Get on and ride the Trump Train baby! This train is going places!” posted Superior American Phil McFerrin, just above a photo of a lynching.

Beautiful women wonder why you haven’t given them a call

According to a series of informative late-night television advertisements, Tori, Lisa, and Mai (last names withheld) don’t know why you’re just sitting there alone, and wonder why you haven’t given them a call.
As stated in the advertisements, which air on a number of networks between 2am-6am, Tori, Lisa, and Mai have each taken on a level of concern about your personal life and apparent symptoms of detachment and rejection. The goal of their respective programs is to offer you the opportunity to “stop just sitting there and thinking about it”, and pick up the phone and talk to a real woman “about anything that’s on your mind right now”. The ads imply a level of psychological help and, in some cases, apparent frank discussion of deeply buried personal details, of which you’re certain to have many to divulge.
At $2.95 for the first minute and 99 cents for each additional minute, the offer of psychological help comes at at a deeply discounted rate over conventional in-office visits, although representatives at both Aetna and Blue Cross-Blue Shield declined to return calls concerning whether these services are covered under the Affordable Care Act.
Also admittedly single, Tori and Mai both indicate that such discussions could lead to a deeper personal relationship, although Lisa stopped short of implying such commitments, implying that her interests are more firmly rooted in the notion that she is “really hot right now”, while wondering aloud if you’re interested in touching her, an offer you’d be a fool to pass on, you lonely schlub.
While the full details are unclear, it’s apparent that the girls each offer a corresponding message that whatever you’re doing now, you could be doing with an incredibly — or in Mai’s case, moderately — beautiful woman, an opportunity that a fat loser like you might never have without the assistance of cellular and/or virtual technology.

Trump recommends Osteen for Secretary of National Christian Affairs

Reiterating his stance that the United States is “a Christian nation” that’s “going to start acting like a Christian nation”, president-elect Donald Trump rounded out a flurry of cabinet recommendations Wednesday by selecting Houston pastor Joel Osteen to serve as the United States Secretary of National Christian Affairs.
“I think this pick was obvious,” Trump indicated. “Joel is more than a fantastic inspirational speaker — and he’s great, truly inspirational stuff — but he’s also a fantastic businessman, and those are the kinds of people that we need right now.”
Osteen, immediately recognizable to millions of Christians in the US and abroad, is the 53 year old Senior Pastor at Lakewood, a now-famous Houston megachurch that holds televised services from inside the former Compaq center, one-time home to the NBA’s Houston Rockets. While Osteen is often scrutinized for his lavish home and personal wealth, he has not collected a salary from Lakewood for several years, with his wealth attributed largely to seven New York Times bestselling inspirational books.
“We’re a Christian nation, and we’re going to start acting like a Christian nation,” Trump promised.
While the appointment is mostly symbolic — there is currently no physical Department of National Christian Affairs — and the post has stood vacant for nearly three decades, the president-elect sees it as a way to restore faith in traditional American values and strengthen the standings of both Protestant and Catholic churches in the US.
“Who better than Joel?” Trump wondered aloud during a press briefing. “I’ve turned to his books a dozen times for advice over the past decade or so. I can’t think of a better person to advise me and the American people on Christian messaging. I mean, if we’re going to do it, we need to do it right. Joel has proved his ability to spread the word of God and to attract lots of donors. Have you seen this guy’s books? He’s really raking it in for Lakewood.”
Osteen has yet to agree to accept the position, but if he does, every indication is that he will be confirmed to become the first Secretary of National Christian Affairs since Ronald Reagan appointed Lawrence Tureaud during his second term.
“Getting away from God, that’s one of the biggest mistakes America ever made. So, we’re earmarking some money in the upcoming budget to repair our crumbling church infrastructure,” reported Trump.
Moving forward with Christian agenda will be touch-and-go, as much of his opposition comes from people whose beliefs are firmly rooted in separation of church and state. The president-elect sounded largely unconcerned about the impending controversy.
“I plan to have Joel lead us in a prayer before every press conference. Reagan didn’t do that with his appointment,” Trump stated among a brief list of duties that he hoped the appointed Secretary will carry out.
“Maybe the American people will hate it, who knows? We expect some people to be upset, but we also know that you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. We’re going to do what America needs to do. We’re get some Bibles and some missionaries, and we’re going to make Christianity great again.”