Actress Meg Ryan charged with role in 1989 orgasm hoax

New York police investigators have arrested Meg Ryan, 57, concerning a 1989 incident in which the actress is believed to have staged a “hoax” demonstration during which she “loudly and deliberately faked orgasms”. Police believe that the incident was staged to further Ms. Ryan’s acting career.

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A video detailing Meg’s 1989 “orgasm hoax” has been well circulated in the 29+ years since the incident.

New York Police Commissioner addressed surprised and relieved reporters about the incident during an early Friday press conference, stating:

“This investigation surrounded a well-known incident in 1989 in which Ms. Ryan continued to fake orgasm after orgasm right in the middle of Katz’s Delicatessen in Manhattan during peak hours, with cameras present recording the entire demonstration. While there are no direct laws against having an orgasm in a delicatessen, there are, in fact, laws stating that a person cannot demonstrate without a proper license, and stating one cannot stage a demonstration under deliberately false pretense.

“We have adequate reason to believe, based on repeated recorded testimonies from some of Ms. Ryan’s closest friends including Robert Reiner and William Crystal and even Ms. Ryan herself, that the entire event was staged to draw attention to Ms. Ryan. She then used this demonstration — performed entirely under false pretense — to land lucrative roles in such films as Joe Versus the Volcano and Hurlyburly.”

“It’s such a well-known hoax,” the commissioner stated at one point, sighing. “I’m embarrassed that we’ve never approached this case. Many parts of the past 29 years have been a tremendous failure when we’ve been so well informed and we’ve never done anything about it. ”

At least one video of the “fake orgasm” was released a few months after the incident. The video has become very well circulated in the past 29 years.

Investigators indicated that they had plenty of evidence related to the incident that could assure a conviction, including the “virtual impossibility that Ms. Ryan — or any other woman, for that matter — could achieve orgasm with actor Billy Crystal in the same room.”

O’Neill expects a challenge concerning applicable statutes of limitations on cases of public demonstration, but reiterated his own stance that , “Even if they find something, well, we all know that there should be no damn statute of limitations on such a heinous, heartless display.”

O’Neill concluded the press conference by announcing that New York Police had also brought O’Neill’s wife in for questioning concerning a similar, more recent incident.

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Barack Obama plans to stop inviting rappers who promote misogyny to White House events

In a reversal on previous White House policy, Barack Obama has decided to stop inviting rappers who promote misogyny and toxic masculinity to White House events.
President Obama expressed his reversal of views during a lecture at a Town Hall in Oakland.

“You seem stressed,” Obama quipped about rappers whose imagery is rooted in money and ‘twerking’. “We have enough stress at the White House without adding to it. There’s this whole Trump thing happening and my administration needs to stay focused.”

Obama has played host to numerous rappers at White House events, including moguls Jay-Z and Rick Ross. The White House stood firmly behind their invitations at the time, but Obama says there has been a shift in his administration’s views.

“Early in 2017, I began to feel like maybe I needed to distance myself a bit from inviting that type of artist into the White House. There seemed to be a cultural shift happening right around that time where the lines between right and wrong became blurred and suddenly everything these guys were saying that had always been right … well, it just wasn’t right anymore,” Obama told the crowd in Oakland.

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Prior to his formal statement on the shift in approach, White House officials had previously indicated that Obama was not comfortable with Donald Trump inviting Kanye West to confer in the Oval office.

“We don’t disrespect our house like this,” Obama was reported to have told members of the White House staff after the West conference.

“We have no idea why he keeps telling us all this,” an anonymous staffer confided.

Fact Check: Did Trump hire Russian prostitutes to serve as human sprinkler system at Trump Tower NY?

We offer unbiased evidence to check on viral statements and claims and rule on their accuracy.
If you have a claim you’d like to have investigated, please send us an email.

Claim:
A rumor circulated in a viral chain email claims that Donald Trump hired “unqualified” Russian prostitutes to serve as a sprinkler system at Trump Tower in New York City that caught fire in April 2018. The email further claims that the “human sprinklers” were dramatically understaffed.

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Evidence:
At least part of this rumor is generated from and serves as a reminder to the popularly-cited Trump-Russia dossier that appeared before the 2016 election, part of which purported to reveal that Trump had hired two Russian prostitutes to urinate on a bed once slept in by Barack Obama. Despite the lack of evidence, questionable authenticity, then-evident questions about source, and the scrutiny that the dossier still falls under, we rated the facts presented in that dossier as being “True” in 2016.
Furthermore, Donald Trump proved that he was a spendthrift in 2016 by eating fast food and putting catsup on steak, a practice rated “unfavorable” by 86 percent of vegan respondents in a scientific poll conducted by Salon in 2016. While this evidence is non-compelling and hinges upon public opinion, and is based upon secluded events that totally ignore his record of lavish spending, we rated claims that he was a spendthrift as “Mostly True” in 2016.
As a spendthrift, it’s reasonable to suggest that Trump might have cut some corners during the building of the tower, which he probably built with his own two hands. Among these blatant and irresponsible building decisions, it’s possible that he may have decided either against a built-in sprinkler system or in favor of graham cracker walls ( which, fairly, the latter of which might become soggy and collapse when wet, leading to Trump’s personal decision against sprinklers). One way or the other, we’re pretty sure the walls are either crackers or Chinese pastries and that the floors are licorice gumdrops, and that not a single sheet of good old-fashioned American sheetrock was used in the construction.

Analysis:
Considering that, in our unbiased findings, Trump is a spendthrift who is exactly the kind of creep who would build his stupid tower out of canned fruit, corrugated paper materials, and fecal matter, and that he has a longstanding history of hiring cheap, dirty Russian hookers to sprinkle on everything, it’s a viable leap to “he hired Russian prostitutes to serve as a sprinkler system in Trump Tower.” Despite the fact that some portions of the evidence might point towards hearsay, circumstantial, and anecdotal, we can’t think of one other logical conclusion to draw and therefore we have concluded that the first half of the claim, that “Trump hired Russian hookers to serve as a human sprinkler system”, to be “True.”

However, the email goes on to claim that the staff was “unqualified” and that the prostitutes were “understaffed”.
To date, no published articles have surfaced to indicate the efficiency of the Trump Tower Human Russian Hooker Sprinkler System. As such, we do not know how the Russian prostitutes performed day-to-day in their duties, nor how they performed under usual circumstances, considering that many prostitutes are very functional parts of society, unlike the President. Some evidence also suggests that the Russian prostitutes had prior experience in human sprinkling.
Also to be considered is the amount that a prostitute must surely drink in order to just be in the same building as such an virtue-less man as the President. Certainly, a well-practiced prostitute with a drinking habit can hold quite a reserve in the event that she has to unsnap her garters, pull her panties to the side, and urinate on a condominium fire. For this reason, it is not knowable how many Russian prostitutes it would take to extinguish a condominium fire with urine, and therefore impossible to determine if they were staffed to proper levels.
Lacking firm and reasonable evidence concerning the ability of these prostitutes to perform their duties, our unbiased team of investigators are forced to rate the full claims of the email as “Half True”.

Bernie Sanders

 

Shocking! This Nevada gubernatorial candidate met in private with a Russian agent. You’ll never guess what happened next!

Clunge Valley Times-Observer has learned that Nevada Libertarian gubernatorial candidate Jared Lord was spotted near his Las Vegas home meeting with a Russian agent on Friday, March 9.
Lord, currently among the front-runners among candidates guaranteed ballot access in November, was spotted getting out of a white sedan and conversing briefly with the driver, who “clearly had a thick Russian accent”.
CTVO caught up with Lord and questioned him about the meeting. Lord confessed that the gentleman with whom he had met was a Russian agent who Lord claims works with a private contractor called “Lyft”.
Initial attempts to uncover information about a Russian agency called Lyft have proven unfruitful, indicating that the group likely works in secrecy.
Lord admits that money was exchanged during the meeting.
“I paid him via a phone app,” said Lord, who also confessed that he had arranged the entire meeting through his personal mobile device. He even confessed to “tipping” the Lyft agent, a courtesy generally only exchanged when one is particularly pleased with the outcome of a meeting or service. The bright young Libertarian candidate admits that he was aware that such a careless transaction would leave a paper trail. At current, it is unknown whether officials have confiscated Lord’s mobile device to track the questionable transaction.
While open about the meeting, Lord was clearly irritated when CVTO asked about more intimate details.
“I must insist it was a simple ride share and there was no collusion or any election tampering going on,” stated Lord, flashing his best I-just-met-with-the-Attorney-General-on-a-tarmac-and-and-I-swear-we-only-talked-about-grandchildren face.
“We only exchanged pleasantries,” Lord insisted, but never made clear why he chose to “tip” the Russian Lyft agent based upon a mere exchange of pleasantries, a fact that will certainly fuel speculation as investigation of Lord’s meeting further unravels.
“Clearly, not everything adds up here,” one reporter observed.
Lord reported that the agent was later seen transferring funds to a woman who Lord said “looked homeless”, a clever ruse many Russians learned from the movie Top Secret, although it is unclear for which Nevada gubernatorial candidate the homeless woman might have been working.

Opinion: OMG did I say I supported the 2nd Amendment? I meant to say I support Republicans no matter what they say

LETTER TO THE EDITOR
To whom it may concern:
How dare anyone
question my morals and values?
They’ve never changed.
When I said that executive orders were an abuse of power, I meant I opposed a Democrat doing it.
When I said that I opposed a president golfing regularly, I meant I opposed a Democrat doing it.
And when I said that I opposed gun control measures, I couldn’t possibly have been more clear: I obviously meant that I did not want Democrats enforcing them.
Please, remind me of a time, just one, when I said that I did not support Republican gun control efforts, unquestioningly?
Come on! Trump’s ideas are obviously real progress that we can all get behind, right? I mean, it’s totally common sense, and that’s what I’ve supported all along, isn’t it? Common sense Republican policies, that’s me all the way!
I never said that we needed to protect ourselves from governments both foreign and domestic, did I?
I never repeated “shall not be infringed” over and over again in a social media thread, did I?
I didn’t call everyone who opposed my ideologies “gun-grabbing Commie pussies”, did I?
Oh, I did?
Well, even if I said something once or twice, what I meant is that I don’t trust Democrats in power. Come on, I thought that was obvious.
Look, I really don’t care what happens, so long as my party, the party I vote for without question, is pulling the strings.
So long as the president is a Republican, it’s fine. It all makes perfect sense now. I get it.
I’ve always supported Republican gun-grabbing measures.
And now that a Republican is stepping up to the plate, I just want to be clear: OMFG wow! I LOVE gun control now!

Sincerely,
Ralph Moats
Clunge, Virginia

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President Trump: “I would have wrestled stingray, saved Steve Irwin’s life.”

President Trump told a gathering of reporters at the White House Monday that, in spite of personal limitations, he would have wrestled the Batt Reef stingray that killed Steve Irwin in 2006 and saved the beloved Crocodile Hunter’s life.
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“Even though I cannot swim, I would have jumped right into that reef water or whatever you call it and used my brute strength to overpower that stingray before he could harm such a beautiful man,” Trump told the amazed crowd.
Trump previously wowed White House crowds by telling them that he would have strong-armed 9/11 terrorists and flown each of their planes to a careful landing before high-fiving President Bush while Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” blared in the background.
“I realize there were something like four or five planes, but I still think I could have pulled it off,” Trump insisted.

Trump comes unhinged in series of tweets about Funyuns

Donald Trump took to Twitter Monday afternoon in a series of graphic Tweets that reflected his disdain for the residual odor associated with Funyuns onion-flavored snacks.
“Frito-Lay, I’m putting you on notice. Your Funyuns snacks smell truly horrible!” Trump Tweeted shortly after noon Monday.
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While some Twitter followers jumped to point out that there is no evidence to support the President’s claim that Funyuns is “tanking” (the snack enjoyed over 3% growth in sales in 2017), some followers agreed that this was the president’s least controversial Tweet in months.
But Trump wasn’t done tearing into Frito-Lay, almost immediately following with a graphic description of the odor …funyuns 1

…and an unhinged claim about the effects Funyuns consumption has on the male anatomy that left many followers feeling “awkward”.funyuns 2

With the Twitterverse abuzz about the President’s “inappropriate” comments, some followers suggested that Trump might alleviate his Funyuns-related issues by washing his hands before using the restroom. Trump labelled them “complainers”.funyuns 3

The tweets were met with varied responses, mostly along party lines.
“While I would love to agree with (the President) on this, I’m not sure why he chose to be the messenger. This sounds more like something we should be learning from Charlie Sheen, not the POTUS” one reporter tweeted.
Another follower commented that he was “amazed that washing onion powder off of your hands before peeing has become a partisan issue.”
An avid Trump supporter agreed with the President, responding on the President’s Twitter threads, “I know! My thing smells like onions all the time! #MAGA #TrumpTrain woot woot!”

Chrysophobia: SPLC reports the rise of “Orange Hate” in America

The Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) announced yesterday that chrysophobia, or hatred of orange people, is on a rapid rise in the US.
The Center released reports detailing an overall growth of 20% in hate groups since 2014, with chrysophobic groups like Stop Trump and The John Cena Fan Club showing the most rapid growth.

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The SPLC indicated that strong language from liberal groups associated with the Democratic Party and leaders like Hillary Clinton as well as “degrading” media coverage of orange celebrities have likely led to the rise of what the advocacy group is now calling “Orange Hate”.
“The Cena Fan Club is straight bonkers with chrysophobes” reported an informant who chose to only be identified as Sandy Morton for this interview. “I mean, all the nationalistic imaging and lingo associated with that camp is one thing, but it goes a lot deeper.”

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Known to us only as “Sandy Morton”, one informant decided to keep his identity hidden before reporting on the Cena Fan Club.

“They hate that Hulk Hogan will always be so closely associated with the rise of WWE, the group Cena depends on to maintain a strong influence over rural American attitudes. I’ve seen them shred Hogan posters and light his figures on fire, call him orange skinned this, big orange … you know, whatever. They’re sick, sick people,” Morton stated.
In addition to Stop Trump and the Cena group, the Southern Poverty Law Center named numerous other organizations as chrysophobic or Orange Hate groups. Among them are at least four community organizational groups as well as the Southern Poverty Law Center.

Trump opponents come out in favor of “common sense domestic violence”

Within hours of the President denouncing domestic violence on Wednesday, several key Democratic figures spoke in support of “common sense” measures that would allow the practice to continue in certain situations.
Several Democratic Congresspeople amended statements they had previously made against domestic violence, pointing to unusual circumstances that sometimes arise.
During an interview on MSNBC, Congressman John Yarmuth (D-Arkansas) said the President’s statement was too unyielding. “While I have previously made statements similar to that made by the President, certainly these situations need to be viewed on a case-by-case basis, making some basic common sense allowances for times when that bitch really pisses you off.”
Virginia Senator Tim Kaine issued a statement which included the words: “While under ordinary circumstances domestic violence may not be the right answer, there are clearly times when I am asking for it.”
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer reluctantly admitted that Congressional Democrats had overestimated Trump’s position before now.
“We figured with him not making a personal statement in regards to domestic violence, that indicated that he was clearly in the ‘pro’ column on this one. We all jumped on the bandwagon and made the statements that we made, and clearly, we were wrong.”
“Make no mistake, “Schumer continued, “This is not the position that we had hoped to stand behind, and I admit that myself and many of my colleagues feel a bit backed into a corner taking it, but we remain steadfast in our opposition to the words and actions of this president, and we will come out fighting, as usual.”

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Flashback! Look how happy Trump was to stand next to this Ed Hardy shirt!

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Trump put on his best smile for this Ed Hardy creation.

NEW YORK – Here’s a blast from the past!
In 2009, while hosting TV’s “The Apprentice”, the affable Donald Trump encountered an Ed Hardy shirt so fantastic that he couldn’t help but to have his photo taken standing right next to it.
“He really loved Ed Hardy merchandise,” a production assistant revealed. “Sometimes he’d call it ‘majestic’ or ‘amazing’ and he’d just run up like an excited schoolboy and touch it, no matter where it was or who was wearing it. His love for Ed Hardy created a few awkward situations, to say the least.”
Then-wildly popular, the Ed Hardy brand files under ‘rarely seen’ these days.
On the other hand, then-wildly popular billionaire “Apprentice” host Trump still gets lots of exposure, although the popularity of his brand also seems on the wane.