“I was positive this would be the year, but since that’s not the case, my best bet is to once again — and for the last time, I swear — vote for someone I do not support in any way, shape, or form, neither as a person nor as a policymaker.”
Despite binders full of women suddenly thinking Romney is the best thing since bayonets, recent polling indicates that as many as 47% of women say they are never going to support him.
CDC: “A lot of precautions have been taken to prevent coronavirus from becoming widespread. But there seems to be nothing that can stop Ron Jeremy.”
Congressman Rand Kirger (I-VA) defended the choices, telling the Observer, “Kid Rock did that cowboy thing. I mean, come on … who doesn’t love the cowboy thing?”
Harper: “In the end, I’ve decided to honor other contractual obligations, obligations which led me to believe that it wouldn’t be in my best interest nor in the interests of the Nationals or the White House if I was in attendance.”
Spokesman D.R. Everend said “Clearly, we would have been more careful about the words we chose if we had only realized that people who did not find ISIS to be chock-full of dreamy superstuds with giant, throbbing, well-oiled members would be reading.”