Study: Condemning “thoughts and prayers” equally as effective as sending thoughts and prayers after a tragedy

To the dismay of American theists, a new study confirms that the emergence of bitterness and sarcasm towards people who send thoughts and prayers after a tragic event has proven an effective replacement for the passive “thoughts and prayers” movement it supplanted.
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Crisis experts from Tranpower, a scientific think tank in San Bernardino, confirmed the findings of their 2-year social media study at a conference in Los Angeles on Friday. The study showed that complaining about people who send thoughts and prayers has an equal physical effect on “rectifying acts universally considered horrible by people of any political persuasion”.
“Physical results matter, and we found that the effect achieved by condemning people sending thoughts and prayers is not only equal to the physical effect of sending thoughts and prayers, but we also failed to find evidence supportive of the notion that such persistent condemnation has not always produced an equal effect,” reported Julia Stibber, a spokesperson from Tranpower.
“Instead of just feeling insulted like they were in the past, this new method of helping those in need offers particular feelings of pride and smarm to those who spread such condemnation, positive feelings that these people might never have felt before in similar situations.”
“It speaks to the powers of science — and to some extent pessimism — being the building block of society, not religion” Stibber concluded.
The conference room was abuzz after the Tranpower presentation.
“Nothing says you’re only thinking about yourself like sending thoughts and prayers,” said conference attendee Rosa Phillips, whose philanthropic ventures to date have been limited to posting continuous opinions online while garnering no considerable influence. “Just save it, they don’t need need or want to know that the community is offering love and strength during their time of need.”
“I just wish religious people realized how big of assholes they can be,” stated Bill Sederhill, a woman’s studies major from UCLA. “You have to be pretty stupid to think that thoughts and prayers are fixing anything, and I am more than glad to express my disgust with these people after a tragedy. Even if I haven’t personally heard anyone offer thoughts and prayers, you just know they’re out there, thinking, praying. It’s our shared responsibility to cut them off and to set up a partition wall between those imaginary thoughts and prayers and their target and meet them with some very real pessimism.”

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Fact Check: Did Trump hire Russian prostitutes to serve as human sprinkler system at Trump Tower NY?

We offer unbiased evidence to check on viral statements and claims and rule on their accuracy.
If you have a claim you’d like to have investigated, please send us an email.

Claim:
A rumor circulated in a viral chain email claims that Donald Trump hired “unqualified” Russian prostitutes to serve as a sprinkler system at Trump Tower in New York City that caught fire in April 2018. The email further claims that the “human sprinklers” were dramatically understaffed.

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Evidence:
At least part of this rumor is generated from and serves as a reminder to the popularly-cited Trump-Russia dossier that appeared before the 2016 election, part of which purported to reveal that Trump had hired two Russian prostitutes to urinate on a bed once slept in by Barack Obama. Despite the lack of evidence, questionable authenticity, then-evident questions about source, and the scrutiny that the dossier still falls under, we rated the facts presented in that dossier as being “True” in 2016.
Furthermore, Donald Trump proved that he was a spendthrift in 2016 by eating fast food and putting catsup on steak, a practice rated “unfavorable” by 86 percent of vegan respondents in a scientific poll conducted by Salon in 2016. While this evidence is non-compelling and hinges upon public opinion, and is based upon secluded events that totally ignore his record of lavish spending, we rated claims that he was a spendthrift as “Mostly True” in 2016.
As a spendthrift, it’s reasonable to suggest that Trump might have cut some corners during the building of the tower, which he probably built with his own two hands. Among these blatant and irresponsible building decisions, it’s possible that he may have decided either against a built-in sprinkler system or in favor of graham cracker walls ( which, fairly, the latter of which might become soggy and collapse when wet, leading to Trump’s personal decision against sprinklers). One way or the other, we’re pretty sure the walls are either crackers or Chinese pastries and that the floors are licorice gumdrops, and that not a single sheet of good old-fashioned American sheetrock was used in the construction.

Analysis:
Considering that, in our unbiased findings, Trump is a spendthrift who is exactly the kind of creep who would build his stupid tower out of canned fruit, corrugated paper materials, and fecal matter, and that he has a longstanding history of hiring cheap, dirty Russian hookers to sprinkle on everything, it’s a viable leap to “he hired Russian prostitutes to serve as a sprinkler system in Trump Tower.” Despite the fact that some portions of the evidence might point towards hearsay, circumstantial, and anecdotal, we can’t think of one other logical conclusion to draw and therefore we have concluded that the first half of the claim, that “Trump hired Russian hookers to serve as a human sprinkler system”, to be “True.”

However, the email goes on to claim that the staff was “unqualified” and that the prostitutes were “understaffed”.
To date, no published articles have surfaced to indicate the efficiency of the Trump Tower Human Russian Hooker Sprinkler System. As such, we do not know how the Russian prostitutes performed day-to-day in their duties, nor how they performed under usual circumstances, considering that many prostitutes are very functional parts of society, unlike the President. Some evidence also suggests that the Russian prostitutes had prior experience in human sprinkling.
Also to be considered is the amount that a prostitute must surely drink in order to just be in the same building as such an virtue-less man as the President. Certainly, a well-practiced prostitute with a drinking habit can hold quite a reserve in the event that she has to unsnap her garters, pull her panties to the side, and urinate on a condominium fire. For this reason, it is not knowable how many Russian prostitutes it would take to extinguish a condominium fire with urine, and therefore impossible to determine if they were staffed to proper levels.
Lacking firm and reasonable evidence concerning the ability of these prostitutes to perform their duties, our unbiased team of investigators are forced to rate the full claims of the email as “Half True”.

Bernie Sanders

 

YouTube Video Debunking a YouTube Shooting Debunking Video Debunked by YouTube Debunker

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A viral YouTube video debunking another viral YouTube video which debunked an earlier claim that debunked this week’s shooting of three people at YouTube headquarters in San Bruno as a “false flag” has began circulating among internet conspiracy and debunker channels.
The YouTube video, entitled “Debunked! Of Course It’s a False Flag! This A-Hole Has No Idea What He Is Talking About!” was purportedly released to debunk a YouTube video’s claim that Youtube shooter Nasim Najafi Aghdam, who killed herself after wounding three YouTube employees, was a YouTube content generator who was disgruntled over what she believed to be biases in YouTube promotion instead of an operative in a false flag operation designed to create more censorship on the internet.
The YouTube debunker who posted the video, who refers to himself as “Mark”, claimed to hold evidence that Aghdam was “brainwashed into a way of thinking by powers who saw her as prone to persuasion” and whose “lone goal is to silence voices of dissent on social media channels.” He says his video debunks the previous debunking video thoroughly, and insists that more consideration should be given to the initial debunking video, “False Flag! YouTube Shooting was Staged to Push For More Internet Censorship!” which debunked the YouTube shooting as a false flag, which he claims was not effectively debunked by the debunking video that purported to debunk those claims.
Mark offered a “personal guarantee” that videos that dissented from mainstream opinion would slowly be removed from the video network, soon to be followed by numerous other outlets who rely upon video advertising for profits. Mark also guaranteed that “the Jews are clearly behind this” and that the previous debunker was “probably a faggot or something.”
Mark’s video debunking the previous debunker’s debunking video can be seen by clicking here.

Local mental health statute would make it illegal for women to own guns for one week out of every month

Culvert County sheriff Cal Caitiff proposed a statute at Wednesday’s Town Council meeting would make it illegal for women aged 14-65 to possess a firearm within Clunge town limits for one week out of every month.
According to the statute, women would be required to turn all of their registered and unregistered firearms into the Culvert County sheriff’s office for one week out of every month. Women would not be disarmed as a group, but on a rotating  basis “with the exact dates to be determined on an individual basis.”

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Caitiff called the statute Operation Red Alert, indicating a high alert protocol needs to be followed to pass the measure quickly.
“We’ve had more than our fair of gun violence here in the Valley and we can’t keep waiting for Congress or even the Governor to amend these laws to handle such a mental health crisis. By taking guns from women for, you know, about a week out of every month, especially in our community, we may well save lives.  What could be more important?”
At one point, the sheriff loudly proclaimed: “This is common sense legislation if I ever heard of it!”
In spite of an objection from Councilwoman Glenning, the motion to discuss was seconded by Mabel Schwarber. The statute will move to discussion before next month’s open forum session at the Clunge Ruritan, and is ensured a vote by the Council.

US military to increase armed poppy patrol after crop raided

WASHINGTON — US military and intelligence officials announced Monday their intent to place more armed guards around opium poppy fields in Afghanistan after a weekend raid at a lower-security location left one field ravaged.
US armed forces have been providing armed security at poppy fields in the war-torn nation since 2002, a period during which production of the opium poppy in the region has reached an all-time high.
“It only makes good sense to provide the highest level security for such a valuable and vulnerable resource,” said CIA officials in a memorandum on the heightened security and surveillance of the fields. “Leaving this particular field exposed was an oversight based in misreading our own collected intelligence. It is not in the best interest of the region nor of US military operations to leave such an asset unguarded.”
The CIA places the loss to Afghani farmers caused by the weekend invasion to be near $1.5 million, calling the loss “unacceptable”.

NBA just going to go ahead and hire Bjork to sing national anthem next year

Following a retro-bluesy rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner” by pop star Stacey “Fergie” Ferguson at the 2018 NBA All-Star Game that inspired uncomfortable laughter, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver has decided that the league should just hire Bjork next year.
While some drew comparison’s to Marilyn Monroe’s breathy birthday performance for John Kennedy, other’s found Fergie’s erratic, uneven rendition — a straight cover of the version from Macy Gray’s “50 Favorite Funeral Marches” album — somewhere between mildly strange and highly inappropriate. Several NBA stars were seen openly laughing at the rendition.
“Jesus eff — weird, that’s what it was. Weird and a little uncomfortable. That tears it, I’m just going to go ahead and hire Bjork next time,” said Silver, referencing the talented Icelandic artist who is as well known for eccentricity as she is for her vocal range.
“At least with Bjork, you know what you’re getting. What have we got to lose after this?” Silver queried.

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