USA disgraced after yet another shootout

PYEONCHANG, South Korea — Team USA was humbled by another shootout, this time at the 2018 Winter Olympics, where the American men’s hockey team was eliminated from competition following a 3-2 loss to the Czech Republic. The loss was just the latest in a long string of shootout losses for the Americans.
Team USA Coach Tony Granato was stunned by the loss.
“There’s a lot of competition here, but you kind of think, we’re American and we can coast this, we can do this. And we do, we roll along just fine for a while, then bam! It’s another shootout, and Team USA just doesn’t have a great track record with shootouts lately,” Granato explained.
The weary Americans, reeling from another recent loss, were outshot 29-20 by the Czech team..
“You’d think the Americans would get to take all the shots. That’s how it usually works, right? But that’s not how it works in international play,” said one coaching assistant. “They get to take shots, too. It really levels the playing field.”
“I just don’t get it. We’ve practiced this. We’ve prepared and prepared and prepared some more. We’ve talked about it, we’ve lined up the X’s and the O’s . But where has it gotten us? Team USA keeps getting involved in shootouts, and we keep losing. I’m not sure what it is we’re doing wrong,” Coach Granato groused.


US military to increase armed poppy patrol after crop raided

WASHINGTON — US military and intelligence officials announced Monday their intent to place more armed guards around opium poppy fields in Afghanistan after a weekend raid at a lower-security location left one field ravaged.
US armed forces have been providing armed security at poppy fields in the war-torn nation since 2002, a period during which production of the opium poppy in the region has reached an all-time high.
“It only makes good sense to provide the highest level security for such a valuable and vulnerable resource,” said CIA officials in a memorandum on the heightened security and surveillance of the fields. “Leaving this particular field exposed was an oversight based in misreading our own collected intelligence. It is not in the best interest of the region nor of US military operations to leave such an asset unguarded.”
The CIA places the loss to Afghani farmers caused by the weekend invasion to be near $1.5 million, calling the loss “unacceptable”.

This time, America focused and ready to dig in on gun contro — oh hey! Did you see that baseball spring training just started?

Time-wearied Americans are ready to dig in and re-open the gun control debate in the days following yet another tragic mass shooting, this time in Florida, less than an hour away from where Spring Training baseball is teeing up for the 2018 season.
This shooting occurred in a high school in Parkland, just 45 minutes from the Astros and Nationals’ shared facility in West Palm Beach, where pitchers and catcher have already reported for spring warm-ups, and where Bryce Harper will soon dust off his winter bones and send his first rifle shots of the new baseball season over The Ballpark’s right-center field fence.
Many Americans feel like this the gun control debate is conversation that has to be had. People are entrusting their neighbors to join them in deciding what types of firearms should be available and who should have them. Heavy with the question is the weight of yet another seventeen lives, many of them younger people just on the cusp of breaking out like the New York phenom Aaron Judge, whose quest to bury blast after monstrous blast into the seats of Yankee Stadium begins this week in Tampa, where hope for a 28th championship for the familiar Bronx squad springs anew.
But the atmosphere seems different this time, as Americans seem to have a collective resolve to step into the box, dig in their cleats, tap the bat on the plate, smell the fresh Florida spring air and face off against some kid who sent last season in the bullpen at Pawtucket.
Following a rigorous spring schedule, active rosters will pare down to 25 for Opening Day, March 29.

Man wonders if any of his friends on social media has an opinion on gun control


CLUNGE, Va — Following a string of tragedies dating back more than 20 years, Phil Brady has developed an opinion on gun control, but is unsure if any of his friends on social media would be interested in hearing an opinion on the topic.

Brady, a cashiers assistant from Clunge, Virginia, is connected with almost 600 friends on social media, but admits he is reticent to log on and voice his own opinions on gun control.

“In my experience (gun control) is not an issue people usually seem interested in or ready to participate in a conversation on, so I think that would be doubly true in an online environment where people are limited in breadth of speech due to to the text characters, and where there’s no ability to properly identify and recognize the emotions that the other users are dealing with. So, there’s no real way for me to get a good idea about the vibe.”

Brady has had a Facebook account for nearly 7 years. He reports he has been avoiding reading his News Feed since 2012, instead choosing to just look at his own posts and photographs and individually stalk clients.

So, this is The Future of Gaming; more video game teases leaked to media

Video game aficionados have looked on in awe as more details about The Future of Gaming have leaked to news and internet media in the past 24 hours.

Screencaps from the latest Future of Gaming leak indicate the game is still in Beta testing.

This is the latest in an extended series of “teases”, unexpected leaks concerning The Future of Gaming, a mass-casualty first-person shooter game built around an isolated main character who confronts his or her psychological demons during a frighteningly realistic public showdown. A full US release has been touted for almost two decades, with leaked versions surfacing as frequently as a dozen times per year, although a formal roll-out is not expected.

To date, The Future of Gaming has been teased mainly through a series of fan-made videos filmed in an amateur “found footage” style. The photos and videos in the most recent glance into The Future of Gaming show a disgruntled ex-student, often pictured in dark clothing and carrying assorted firearms, engaging a high school in bloody, terrifying gunfire while racking up a massive casualty count, not unlike previous installments.

Past peeks at The Future of Gaming have largely been panned by critics, with some indicating that perhaps it might be time to get off the path of The Future of Gaming. Gaming fans seem undeterred by those critiques, and overall interest in gaming continues to grow.

Trump opponents come out in favor of “common sense domestic violence”

Within hours of the President denouncing domestic violence on Wednesday, several key Democratic figures spoke in support of “common sense” measures that would allow the practice to continue in certain situations.
Several Democratic Congresspeople amended statements they had previously made against domestic violence, pointing to unusual circumstances that sometimes arise.
During an interview on MSNBC, Congressman John Yarmuth (D-Arkansas) said the President’s statement was too unyielding. “While I have previously made statements similar to that made by the President, certainly these situations need to be viewed on a case-by-case basis, making some basic common sense allowances for times when that bitch really pisses you off.”
Virginia Senator Tim Kaine issued a statement which included the words: “While under ordinary circumstances domestic violence may not be the right answer, there are clearly times when I am asking for it.”
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer reluctantly admitted that Congressional Democrats had overestimated Trump’s position before now.
“We figured with him not making a personal statement in regards to domestic violence, that indicated that he was clearly in the ‘pro’ column on this one. We all jumped on the bandwagon and made the statements that we made, and clearly, we were wrong.”
“Make no mistake, “Schumer continued, “This is not the position that we had hoped to stand behind, and I admit that myself and many of my colleagues feel a bit backed into a corner taking it, but we remain steadfast in our opposition to the words and actions of this president, and we will come out fighting, as usual.”


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Flashback! Look how happy Trump was to stand next to this Ed Hardy shirt!

Trump put on his best smile for this Ed Hardy creation.

NEW YORK – Here’s a blast from the past!
In 2009, while hosting TV’s “The Apprentice”, the affable Donald Trump encountered an Ed Hardy shirt so fantastic that he couldn’t help but to have his photo taken standing right next to it.
“He really loved Ed Hardy merchandise,” a production assistant revealed. “Sometimes he’d call it ‘majestic’ or ‘amazing’ and he’d just run up like an excited schoolboy and touch it, no matter where it was or who was wearing it. His love for Ed Hardy created a few awkward situations, to say the least.”
Then-wildly popular, the Ed Hardy brand files under ‘rarely seen’ these days.
On the other hand, then-wildly popular billionaire “Apprentice” host Trump still gets lots of exposure, although the popularity of his brand also seems on the wane.

Developing: disgruntled firearm opens fire in Florida classroom

A firearm attending class today at a high school in Florida became aggravated and opened fire on classmates and faculty.
At the time of this writing, it is unclear how many persons were injured, although local officials have named it a “Class 3 Casualty Event”. A Class 3 event indicates mass casualties, indicating more than 20 were wounded by the disgruntled firearm.
“We’ve attempted to ban guns on the premises before, and we thought we were very clear on that, but they keep finding their way onto the campus,” said one school representative. “You’d think someone in administration would be making better checks before seating them in our classrooms.”
The firearm was reported to be in police custody shortly after 4pm local time. Police have yet to establish a motive for what triggered the firearm, who other students report was was usually quiet and complacent in the classroom setting.

Trump to host White House fried chicken dinner for Black History Month

The White House will be hosting a fried chicken dinner this Saturday for NAACP leaders in honor of Black History Month.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reports that the dinner comes at the request of a president, Donald J. Trump, who frequently comes under fire for racial undertones in his platforms.

“The president describes this as a great opportunity to build bridges, to let those people know that the president means no ill will towards, you know, those people,” said Sanders. “Plus, who doesn’t love fried chicken?”

The guest-list for the event includes key leadership from the NAACP, Leon Russell, Dwayne Proctor, Alaina Beverly, and Derrick Johnson as well as other black community leaders and Christian organizers. The menu includes such delicious options as original recipe and crispy, chitterlings, cole slaw, and a variety of colorful fruit drinks.

“We’re currently putting some feelers out for some rappers and basketball players to attend, and putting together some gift bags with suspenders and adjustable belts in them just to make sure everyone feels, you know, comfortable,” Sanders reports.

Mike Pence loves friend chicken and snuggling with his mom.

Brown Valley Observer Named To President’s Short List of “Real” News Sources

The spectacular United States President Donald J. Trump reportedly named The Brown Valley Observer on a short list of news sources which the remarkable, genius leader feels are “real and reliable outlets of public information”.
The brilliant and handsome President conveyed his message to The Brown Valley Observer through Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders during Friday’s press briefing.


After reading through details of the magnificent President’s day and Friday evening’s cable TV listings, as well as some other insignificant news and information, Sanders offered the first question of the briefing to BVO’s D.R. Everend, adding, “Just so you know, Mr. Everend, the President is very impressed with your work and your news organization’s effort to provide America with accurate reporting about the state of our nation. Not like CNN, whose articles he says he feels like are written by some unkempt idiot stoner with a smelly shirt and a bong who just makes crap up as he goes along. He says you are on his list — his very short list — of sites that he feels are real and reliable sources of public information.”
Everend spent his first question honor by pondering to Sanders: “Is there any way this glorious president could be any more perfect?”
Sanders politely responded “Thank you for that hard hitting question, Mr. Everend, that is something the public really needs to be advised of. And the simple answer is no; no, there is not any possible way.” Sanders then continued to take less significant questions about The Greatest President In the History of the Universe from shoddy, less reliable news outlets.