“I’ll remember from now on to keep Pfizer and Starbucks and Bank of America — companies I am confident have my best interests at heart — in my nightly prayers. God bless you, corporate sponsors!”
Category: US News
Report: you can vote without posting a pic of your “I voted” sticker, you virtue-signaling asshole
A panel of psychologists who’ve researched internet attention whoring have concluded that the average social media user will never miss the average of 3 “likes” that users get whenever that user is a C-cup or smaller.
Bryce Harper says he will not attend White House ceremony for World Series champ Washington Nationals
Harper: “In the end, I’ve decided to honor other contractual obligations, obligations which led me to believe that it wouldn’t be in my best interest nor in the interests of the Nationals or the White House if I was in attendance.”
Online Yankees fans plan to turn clocks back 75 years again this weekend
With the 2019 MLB season behind us, stoic Yankees fans plan to turn their clocks back 75 to 100 years this weekend to a time when the team were a perennial World Series participant.
News organization says it regrets calling ISIS “captivating band of big-dicked dreamboats”
Spokesman D.R. Everend said “Clearly, we would have been more careful about the words we chose if we had only realized that people who did not find ISIS to be chock-full of dreamy superstuds with giant, throbbing, well-oiled members would be reading.”
President Trump growing increasingly wary of man hiding behind flag in Oval Office
President Trump: “There’s something not entirely right about it, but my staff keeps reassuring me that the man is as trustworthy as they are.”
