MLB’s new “Scatcast” computers will be able to measure more shit than ever

In an effort to generate more useless information than ever to increasingly confused and bewildered fans, Major League Baseball has announced plans to complement their popular Statcast computers with new Scatcast technology, which has the capability to measure shit that Statcast never could.

Scatcast computers can track such useless information as COCKs, an easy-out measure that combines a player’s strikeouts and routine fly balls.

While Statcast already has many of the same capabilities, Scatcast enhancements will help it measure even more crap more quickly than ever. Fans hoping to casually enjoy the game will receive persistent broadcast updates full of Scatcast information that couldn’t even begin to help that fan better understand the sport. Scatcast will make it easier for broadcasters to offer viewers enhanced, real-time spray charts, updated data on dribbler and bleeder speeds, and tons of other shit that no one ever thought to measure but will eventually become routine conversation among broadcasters and fans alike, as well as serving as a heavy influence for league awards voting. Ever wonder about the average break on an MLB backdoor slider? Wonder no more. Likelihood of a tape measure blast vs. plopping one just over the wall? Scatcast has you covered. Scatcast can track how high off the ground a home-run hitter lifts his feet during his trots. It can even track “reports”, a measure of how frequently the sound of the action exceeds 100 decibels, such as the crack of lumber, a pitcher’s hard delivery into the mitt, or an outfielder’s grunt when he strains to lob one in from the warning track.
With the technology being new, some teams plan to use Scatcast to track stadium-specific shit. The San Francisco Giants, whose right field wall famously gives way to the San Francisco Bay and where home runs are called “splash hits”, announced plans to use Scatcast to measure the impact of bat size on splash hits at Oracle Park.The Pittsburgh Pirates, who have the Allegheny River beyond their right field wall where home runs are called Bowser blasts, have already traded their Scatcast technology and two players from last year’s draft to Colorado for a 28-year-old pitching prospect to be named later.
While the league anticipates that Statcast will still be their number one source for advanced metrics, Scatcast technology should provide an ample number two.
Fans can expect for Scatcast to begin to permeate MLB broadcasts starting in June.

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