BROWN VALLEY, Virginia — National Huffers Lobby (HUFL) spokesman Jimmy “Womp Womp” Jenkem announced to supporters Wednesday that six states are currently considering legislation to approve model airplane glue for medicinal use.
Speaking in a hallway at a Brown Valley Youth Recreation Center, Womp Womp told the local huffers, “Thanks to the opening created by the marijuana lobby to change marijuana laws, HUFL has been able to access more pliable delegates to lobby to get all sorts of chemical inhalants under consideration for medical use. The first thing this legislation does is make it so quality inhalants can be obtained safely, through a doctor or pharmacist, who probably has a more potent stash than we’re getting at Home Depot. Hey, is the floor looking closer to you guys? Wow. I’m just going to lay down here for a minute.”
“The second thing it does is makes inhalants available through a pharmacy and applicable for insurance discounts,” Womp Womp told the group from the floor of the rec center. “Imagine a world where you can get safe, legal contact cement or spray duster on your parents’ medical insurance card until you’re 25. This is what HUFL is working for: to provide American citizens like you and with access to government-grade inhalants to keep us away from the black market stuff. No, I don’t need help getting up. Just let me lay here. Yes, I did hit my head, but not very hard. I’ll be up in just a few here, I swear.”
“Ending the black market is better for everyone, if nothing else just to create a more direct line of accountability in the event that something goes wrong. Who’s responsible if you overdose on gold paint? Nobody, that’s right. This way, the government is culpable. No, no, that’s how it works, I swear, I’ve been talking to the dele— the guys. Those dudes. Does it sound like a GG Allin record in here to anyone else?”
At press time, Womp Womp was hanging out next to a custodial closet asking thirteen year boys if they were planning to use the brown paper sacks in which their mothers had packed their lunches.