$57M government study concludes: Tom Brady footballed real good

As a deflated 45 year-old Tom Brady formally wrapped up his days on the giridiron this week, footballing analysts and fans were able to unite in appreciation of Tom’s amazing, record-breaking footballing career.

In fact, Tom Brady was so good at footballing that even the United States government met Tom’s announcement by releasing the findings of a 6-year, $57 million study on the footballer, entitled “Tom Brady Footballs Real Good”.
“Tom footballed up there with some of the best,” the study concluded.
Brady, a late draft pick in 2000 who came with very little expectation behind stalwart Patriots football thrower Drew Bledsoe, ultimately spent 23 seasons footballing in the National Footballers League, winning 7 footballing championships.
According to the official USGOV release, a team of government footballing experts conducted the study in a custom-built theater where 28 scientists and armchair footballing gurus pored over more than 200 hours of film footage of Tom Brady footballing, often in slow-motion and with arrows and lines generated over the film to help the government experts better understand the plays.
Despite several of the plays and formations being entirely new to some of the government experts — many of whom became government footballing experts before the forward pass became a legal play — the research team was united in their belief that Tom was “amazing at footballing”.
“Tom Brady is one of the best at footballing I have seen since Sid Luckman … but not just anyone can football like Sid Luckman” one government footballing expert concluded.
“His fake-out move to sidestep Gisele Bündchen and advance Team Brady to the 2022 season was something to be marveled at,” another scientist noted.
Costs incurred by the study include $16M for the theater, $950,000 worth of beer and snacks, and $1800 in foam fingers.
The study also detailed plans to acquire additional funding to build more theaters to study the career of Brady’s former Tampa Bay teammate, defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, and to answer long-disputed questions like whether or not Jim McMahon was really good at footballing or if the ’85 Bears championship was more of a team effort. A stipend to teach inebriated scientists how to barrel roll atop of a keg is in consideration.
In the meantime, passionate and emotional tributes have continued to pour out for the famous ball thrower.
ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith gushed that “Tom’s been around so long that most of the guys footballing now grew up watching Tom football and aspiring to football as good as Tom Brady footballed,” said ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith. “I have been a frequent critic of Tom Brady, but he was really just Jolly Jack splendid at footballing.”
Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver Mike Evans, who footballed with Brady for the past three seasons and was part of Brady’s last footballing championship, sweetly Tweeted, “Thank you for footballing with me, Tom Terrific. I don’t know how we will be able to football without you.”