Having never been in a real jail or any other phase of the correctional system before, a local resident who admits he may have misunderstood the terms of his current 30 day stay in Facebook jail has spent the past three weeks being “gay for the stay.”
Bennie Harwick, who we interviewed at the Brown Valley Expressway Exit 2 Truck Stop in Clunge, told our reporters, “I’ve always understood that men serving long terms in prison often engaged in homosexual activity solely as a way to pass the time and just to make things a little easier on themselves. And I figured, well, without Facebook I really ain’t got nothing else going on, so …”
Steadfastly maintaining that he is a heterosexual who had never considered a gay lifestyle before his stint in Facebook jail, and insisting that he would “never look back” once his 30-day sentence is over, the man was admittedly surprised to hear that Facebook jail differed from real jail because no one is physically confined and can still engage with any person of his choice.
Harwick disputed part of our claim, detailing several times in the past 3 weeks in which he had, in fact, been physically confined.
Harwick, who says he has recently taken up smoking, confessed that there is a chance he may have been duped about the responsibilities of Facebook jail by some people in a local biker chat called Leather Studs, but insisted that he would ask the guys about it when he got back to the trucker’s parking area.
“A bunch of those guys are in that group and they seem on-the-level, so they would know,” Harwick claimed, while admitting that he’s “not even sure if all of those men are in Facebook jail or not.”
Told that he could leave at any time, Harwick insisted that it would be in conflict with his authoritarian beliefs to not serve the full sentence.
“I did the crime,” Harwick explained. “I called those guys on the internet ‘fags’. So I guess I had it coming to me. Maybe 30 solid days of harsh, degrading punishment is just what I need to get myself back on the Lord’s path.”
At press time, Harwick was in the cab of a Peterbilt truck getting rope burns on his inner thighs from two giggling bearded men.
Brown Valley Observer 