Attendees of last week’s 13th Annual Brown Valley Convention For Statistical Sciences were treated to a visual demonstration on crime statistics after event organizers arranged for a performance by a scientific poll dancer.
Local nerds who attended said that the poll dancer was an easy highlight of the event compared with the event’s usually more traditional convention fare. Dorks who’ve attended the convention multiple times say that the week-long gathering is usually dominated by lengthy slide and projector presentations, so a scientific poll dancer to remind themselves just how sexy they’d like to pretend that statistics can be was just what the male-dominated convention crowd needed.
“(The scientific poll dancer’s performance) just starts out so electric. You’re just just sitting there staring at a basic pole, this stoic number 1 and then — BAM! — all of a sudden the number 1 becomes 100!” said Barry Lufkin, a statistician who works in claims for a prominent local personal lubricant manufacturer. “I’m a man of science, but that was truly magic with numbers. I, too, felt like I grew 10,000% at that precise moment, just like that number one had.”
“The way she straddled the poll and made the violent crime rate go from 0.84% to 0.21% in a smooth, singular, drawn-out move in no way prepared me for the way she then made that exact same crime rate raise and lower at will for the next 16 bars of the accompanying music,” gushed local doofus Jeremy Hanley.
Dr. Randall Kirger, leading researcher for Misogynists United, said, “I don’t think this is the first time I’ve seen crime statistics disappear into an attractive white woman, but it is the first time I’ve actually been inside of the actual the room where anything even remotely close happened. I would be open to welcoming this type of performance to the convention again in the future.”
The dancer admits this was the first time she’d performed within the scientific community and was unclear on whether or not she would be prepared to perform as a scientific poll dancer again.
“When my employer told me I was going to be performing a dance at a nerd convention, I was really worried about being stuffed into a room with so many sweaty, desperate, incel losers,” admitted the scientific poll dancer, who goes by Dr. Kandi, professionally. “But, you know, once I got here and danced, I really changed my tune. These guys are much more desperate and sweaty than I thought they would be.”
Local Harold Reinwitz won this year’s Esteemed Researcher Grant at the convention with a riveting presentation on bovine gestational periods.
Brown Valley Observer 