Indigenous Footballteam tribespeople planning protests outside Washington NFL games

Members of the indigenous Footballteam tribe are planning protests outside of Fed Ex Field over the Washington NFL sports franchise’s use the name Football Team, Footballteam Chief Larry Simpson told The Brown Valley Observer.

The Football Team franchise, which moved to Washington in 1937, has a long history of choosing names rooted in indigenous cultures. Previously, the franchise has used names such as the Washington Redskins, the Boston Braves, the West Boston Wagonburners, and the Hoboken Dirty Red Animals. In response to long-running pressure by Native American groups to stop using what many considered an indigenous slur as their name, in 2020 the franchise changed their name from “Redskins” to “Football Team”, bringing closure to the issue for many.

However, the small mid-Atlantic Footballteam tribe remained vocally dissatisfied with the choice.

“The last thing the Footballteam people need is the insult of our name and our culture being robbed and exploited and dragged by a bunch of millionaires,” Chief Simpson posited, explaining that in addition to the titular similarities, the Footballteam tribe has a long tradition of wearing their numbers on the sides of their heads and playing sports poorly.

“It cannot be a coincidence — in fact, I say it was a trick that they changed their name from Redskins to sound just like our tribe just in time to lose repeatedly, the same as my people, and to be publicly shamed for sex scandals, the same as my people,” Simpson stated.

The Footballteam tribe has faced a troubled existence since Europeans settled the New World, and today stands on the cusp of extinction. Once ill-trained warriors, the tribe was nearly wiped out in a battle with the Swiss in 1720, and again by the French 28 years later. In modern times, the tribe was nearly decimated by the 2009 H1N1 pandemic and again by the 2015 Chipotle salmonella outbreak. Only 38 full-blood members strong, the remaining tribespeople were banned from Dennys last winter over an embarrassing Rooty Tooty styrofoam to-go box incident.

“Many have chosen to disassociate themselves with us in shame over the years. All that we have left is our name, and now they want to drag that with shame, too,” Simpson lamented.

The Brown Valley Observer attempted to each out to Washington Football Team for a comment about this controversy. So far, Football Team has chosen to completely ignore our outrageous comments on their Twitter posts.

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