CNN prepping “Biden had a bigger inauguration crowd” report on off-chance that there aren’t massive casualties

Trying to stay ahead of the curve, CNN’s writing team put aside it’s preparation for “massive carnage” and “Republican violence” articles for a few moments today to prepare a “bigger inauguration crowd than Trump” report on the off-chance that the January 20 inauguration of Joe Biden doesn’t end in massive casualties.

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CNN expects that star commentator Van Jones will congratulate Biden if thousands don’t die.

Up to 25,000 US troops have been moved into DC ahead of the event.
“We don’t want to be caught with our pants down. Sure, maybe we’ve spent so much of the past two weeks getting everyone whipped up in fury about inauguration violence and taunting and baiting conservatives and Trump supporters that you’d think there’s almost no way it won’t happen now,” one writer told The Brown Valley Observer. “But just because we’re gearing everyone up for our biggest story of the decade, no matter what we say we can’t actually make Trump supporters pick up their guns and march into the city and start a full-on bloody invasion leaving bodies strewn throughout our nation’s capital on such an important day for our democracy.”
“Just in case there aren’t bombs and armed militias blowing each other to smithereens and fires raging in the city well into the night — you know, everything we’re prepared for — we’ll want to congratulate Joe Biden on the amazing crowd he has, which will almost certainly be much bigger than the Trump crowd.”
“I mean, it’s longshot, but just in case there’s no militia violence, foreign intervention, or a full-on military coup that otherwise explains Trump’s military build-up in Washington outside of the conventional theories, then we are going to need content to take up the space where looped videos of horrifying severed limbs, human beings being ripped to shreds by automatic gunfire, and limp, lifeless bodies stacked to form gruesome fortress walls between the combating sides, or even exhilarating political assassinations might otherwise have gone. And what better way than honoring Joe Biden — the man of the hour — as he assumes the most respected and revered office in America by telling him how astonishing his crowd was and clapping him on the back for it?” the writer stated.
Crowds have been strongly urged to stay away from DC due to credible threats of terrorism or violent insurgence. However, as the writer points out, “25,000 armed National Guard soldiers represents about as many people than there are in the photos we show of the Trump inauguration”.

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