With another toilet paper shortage nearly imminent, the National Guard began the process of sending more than 20,000 troops to Washington DC Wednesday to prepare for the riots the shortages are expected to cause.
“A military presence has been sorely lacking in preparation for past protests and riots, and we’re trying to learn from our mistakes,” a National Guard spokeperson told The Brown Valley Oberver.
Troops could be seen Thursday throughout the nation’s capital scoping out the city, staking out their positions, and making fun of the homeless.
US Intelligence says there is credible evidence that a dirty-assed mob may descend upon the city on January 20, just in time for the presidential inauguration. Troops will be expected to help maintain the peace among emotional protesters there to protest what they see as steps leading-up to a second toilet paper famine, as well as protecting the city’s existing — but already dwindling — toilet paper rations.
“In a city that generates as much shit as Washington, DC, the toilet paper supply isn’t taken lightly,” one soldier told the BVO.
While President Trump made several plays to prevent a second toilet paper shortage, including restricting some Taco Bell and Chipotle restaurants, Joe Biden has been much less open in his stance, insisting upon increasing shutdowns as part of his plan to combat coronavirus. Fears stoked by these types of shutdowns were considered a major factor in the Great Shortage of 2020, the period from March-June 2020 when toilet paper supplies disappeared completely from retail markets. The Great Shortage was considered by many one of the darkest periods of American suffering in recent memory, and President Trump’s lack of preparation as a major cause of his defeat in the 2020 election. In spite of this, it is Biden’s impending pandemic plan that is expected to generate a second, longer shortage.
“We remember the resentment caused by the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020, and we recognize the resentments many Americans feel about these things right now. We’ve seen those resentments play out at our US Capitol recently — and over things people are even less passionate about than toilet paper. We feel like our being prepared before an entire dirty-ass mob can come and rob us of the thing we hold most dear — our national toilet paper reserves — is one step closer to avoiding total toilet anarchy,” the spokesperson for the National Guard said.