President Donald Trump tweeted Tuesday that his administration is looking into measures to temporarily close U.S. Taco Bell and Chipotle restaurants as the nation faces a second toilet paper epidemic of 2020.
“That we’re still allowing Taco Bell and Chipotelay (sic) to operate when we’re days away from a national toilet paper emergency is a disgrace. Not on my watch!” the president Tweeted.
“Yes, drive thrus too! We can’t let our guard down,” the president reiterated, showing concern for growing fears that America is about to plunge headlong into another toilet paper shortage just months after recovering from one of the worst toilet paper shortages in American history.
The Great Shortage of 2020 was caused by outside influences circulating fears which led to a period of posterior wipe hording which retailers and paper manufacturers were unable to keep up with. Some stores were unable to stock toilet tissue for up to three months, leading to one of the darkest periods of American suffering in recent memory. During those shortages, thousands of teenage girls literally died when their friends found out they weren’t wiping properly. With similar rumors circulating, Americans have waited anxiously to see if the lame-duck president would act.
“Closing Taco Bell and Chipotle would wreak untold damage to the US economy,” one analyst predicted. “Sometimes, you have to weigh that impact against what’s happening, and I think the president is wise to act now to help us conserve every possible double-ply square of toilet tissue from being wasted ahead of such a highly anticipated and dramatic collapse within the industry.”
“I have it on good authority that the president uses a bidet and a large peanut-shaped sponge to clean his own bottom,” said one White House official. “You can tell that (Trump’s) concern is genuine when he isn’t likely to be affected by the outcome.”
Some analysts believe that the President has taken to assuming more popular opinions in the days following the election in hopes of keeping the public at bay while he contests election results in several states. Exit polls from the November 3 elections showed that president-elect Joe Biden was able to defeat Trump largely based upon the fears and uncertainty stoked by the Spring 2020 toilet paper crisis, notably the lack of preparation in the weeks leading up to the shortage.
“It may be a little late to save his job, but the president doesn’t want to be caught with his pants down and no toilet paper again,” one White House administrator tweeted.