With the baseball world abuzz with news of a cheating mechanism employed by the Houston Astros during their 2017 World Championship season, once-disgraced Yankees legend Alex Rodriguez confessed to reporters Wednesday that he had “banged a few trashcans during (his) career,” including banging trashcans to cheat.
Commenting on the Astros scandal — considered one of the biggest scandals to rock the sport in the past century, in which the Astros utilized technology to steal hand signals from opponents and notified one another of the signs by beating on a garbage can — Rodriguez admitted that banging trashcans added another level of tarnish to a career already marred by a steroid investigation for which the league penalty cost Rodriguez his 2014 season.
With his marriage to superstar musician and actress Jennifer Lopez on the horizon, Rodriguez shamefully admitted to reporters, “It wasn’t always peaches and cream, you know. I was productive, but everything in my career came at a cost. To keep myself confident and virile throughout my playing days, I admit: I banged a few trashcans.”
“I mean, you saw some of them. Some of them were really classy ladies, real beauties, women I was lucky to know. But for every beautiful woman I knew, there were also the strippers, the trailer park girls, and Madonna,” said Rodriguez, shuddering and unable to lift his eyes to reporters. “Even when I was married, I was still out banging trashcan after trashcan. It was clearly cheating, and for that I am ashamed.”
“If I’d known the path life had for me, where I would be today, maybe I could have drawn power from that knowledge. Instead, I spent my nights hanging out in swanky bars and team functions and banging the first trashcan that came along. At any social gathering, really: if there was a garbage can around, there was a chance I was going to bang it.”
Rodriguez thanked fiancee Lopez for saving him from banging trashcans.
“Ever since I retired, I have been trying to clean my image up, and a big part of that has been trading in all the trashcans for the best can in show business.”