CDC: You have a better odds of having threesome involving Ron Jeremy than of dying from coronavirus

The US Center for Disease Control released a report stating that the average American has a better chance of having a sexual threesome involving Ron Jeremy than of dying from the coronavirus.
The virus has caused almost 200 deaths in China, the nation believed to be the virus’ point of origin. Nearly 10,000 cases of the virus have been reported, mostly near Wuhan. In the US, however, only 6 cases had been reported through Thursday.
“The odds of contracting the illness in the US are very low,” a CDC spokesman told the Observer. “Even with it’s communicable nature, a lot of precautions have been taken both here and abroad, including China, which will help prevent the coronavirus from becoming widespread. Furthermore, as we learn more about the virus, we will learn better methods of containing and treating it, which will ultimately limit the spread outside of the containment area near Wuhan, and the odds of expiring due to it’s symptoms.”
“But there seems to be nothing that can stop Ron Jeremy,” the spokesperson stated.

According to Guinness Book of World Records, Ron Jeremy, has starred in over 2,000 adult features since the late 1970s. By his own accounts, the 66 year old cult celebrity has enjoyed the company of more than 5,000 sexual partners, although that number seems a little on the light side for a fellow who’s starred in over 2,000 adult films.
Dr. Randall Kirger, a sexual and behavioral therapist who teaches at Brown Valley Community College in Clunge, Virginia, says he ran the Ron Jeremy numbers for the sex study that was used while compiling the CDC report and what he found was alarming.
“The odds of having a threesome remain a rare enough bird, even in our openly sexual society. Only about one in six claims to have participated in a threesome, and our research indicates slightly fewer than one in twenty-five have actually participated in one. Now, this is where it gets interesting. The data we found indicates that Ron Jeremy has participated in a threesome with an astonishing 1.3% of those who have participated in a threesome, including nearly one percent of those polled in this extensive study who had participated in three or fewer ménage à trois in their lifetimes.”
“Believe me when I say, the odds of having a threesome involving Ron Jeremy are not only better than dying of coronavirus in the US, but they are considerably better.”
In an emailed response to the Observer, the actor said he was not surprised the findings.
“When you want the best, you go for the best, and that’s why people come to me. I have the most famous genitals on the planet; this thing now has it’s own pedigree. And who am I to turn away the opportunity to grab a new beautiful woman by the buttocks and do that spread-cheeky thing with her?”
Reflecting on the numbers, Jeremy wrote “If you think these odds are amazing, you should see how much farther the odds would swing if interested parties just sent me an email with a couple of photos and were willing to fly to L.A. for an afternoon. So long as they’re not a couple of total shitheaps, I’m in.”