Top scientists admitted this week that they were aware at the height of it’s popularity that the 1990s phrase “2 Legit” was mathematically impossible, and that they colluded to obscure this truth from becoming common knowledge.
The phrase was brought to prominence in a hit rap single but was ultimately popularized by virtually every asshole who had $7 to spend on a bootleg t-shirt in 1991. According to documents, it is believed that those assholes were influenced by mass hysteria and completely oblivious to the lack of merit the phrase, and this ignorance was aided and abetted by those who withheld vital information.
According to Dr. Randall Kirger, an assistant professor of linguistic mathematics at Brown Valley Community College and America’s foremost authority on crass commercialism, “There was a time when it wasn’t ok to talk about this — but 2 Legit was never legit. Right from the start, it was a total crock from a mathematical standpoint.”
Explains Kirger: “The mathematical equation involved in the 2 Legit ideology is simple once you work out a few basic deductions. First, you’re either you’re legit or you’re not. You can’t be a little bit legit, because a little bit legit is not legit. You can’t even be mostly legit because so long as any portion of the pie chart indicates lack of legitimacy, then the whole thing is not legit. Only by being 100% legit can you be legit.”
“At 100%, one has maximized the capabilities. One’s ability to grow or expand in legitimacy is terminated after reaching the minimum standard of legitness, which is also the maximum standard. Since it is not possible to be more legit than any other thing or idea that is legit, and since the minimum and maximum standard is equal — 100 equals 100 — it’s furthermore mathematically and therefore scientifically impossible to be too legit.”
The logical question is: if scientists knew that it was impossible to be 2 Legit in 1991, why did they keep this information hidden, and why did they allow the public to believe that it was possible to be 2 Legit for nearly 3 decades?
“It’s a simple question of rudimentary capitalism and the relationship between the scientific community and the government,” explains Kirger. “2 Legit came along when the government needed the added tax income that comes with a fluid junk goods trade such as that which accompanies a trend like the 2 Legit craze. So, we in the math and science communities would hear the term and we’d kind of side-eye each other and snigger amongst ourselves, but we kind of know within the scientific community not to rock the boat wherever the big boys are concerned. We release just what they feel comfortable with us releasing and nothing more. It seemed like a safe decision at the time. 2 Legit doesn’t really hurt anyone, or at least not anyone important — in fact it asks that one subscribe to a higher standard, so it’s worth the occasional sweatshop casualties and the casual denials from those of us within the science community.”
“It’s like a brilliant chess match,” Kirger told reporters of the relationship between science and government. “They have the funding we need to live comfortably. We hold information which could shatter everyone’s reality and splinter the public’s faith in their product. It all evens out. The whole game is kind of all about one keeping the other in check.”