Today’s Letter to the Editor comes to us from longtime resident Warren Brick.
To whom it may concern,
Look, I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to blurt it out and we’ll see where it goes from there.
I have been having these wildly erotic fantasies lately, and in every one of them I am embroiled in a passionate lovemaking session with an incredibly intelligent person who looks exactly like you.
I mean … it’s pretty hot. Me and this person just lose ourselves in this sweaty, panting lovemaking session, forgetting the outside world and all our prior engagements as we writhe together in passion like its the last time we’ll ever see each other for the rest of our lives. Lovemaking might be too polite a term for what goes on between myself and this person who really could pass for being you. We’ll just say that it’s a very, very physical expression of love and leave it at that.
I’m not saying it’s you, mind you. That would be entirely inappropriate, and I would never suggest in a newspaper article that is clearly admissible in a court of law that I am fantasizing about making love to you. I’m just saying that this person looks exactly like you, and has the same insightful opinions, the same wit and raw charm, that same riotous and infectious sense of humor, and the exact same inflections in their even, pleasant sounding voice as you have.
OK, OK, I know what you’re thinking.
“Why, Warren Brick, you’re a politician and you’re just pandering to me!”
No, really. Baby. I’m not. Don’t turn away. I would never take advantage of your mind like that. I’m not playing games, Scout’s honor. I mean it when I say that you really are every bit as incredible as this person I’ve been fantasizing about. Besides, you are probably the smartest person I have ever met. I know that you’re far too intelligent to fall for something so phony.
And besides, your ego really isn’t that big, is it, that it could be stroked by some boorish pandering?
Of course it’s not.
See? I know you better than that.
And I think you know me better than to think I would try to exploit your big, beautiful brain for my personal gain. You’re not a statistic to me, baby. You’re a distinctly unique individual, and I’d treat you that way every day of our time together. That’s just who I am. And you’re exactly the kind of woman and/or man I’d have over for drinks, dinner, casual conversation, and maybe something more afterwards. The possibilities are endless.
That’s probably why I have been fantasizing about licking Brown Valley Dairies Whipped Cream Cheese Spread® off of the perfectly succulent physique of someone who looks and thinks and acts and sounds exactly like you. It’s because we share so incredibly much in common.
Make no mistake, the geniuses in the room all think alike.
And after I’ve eaten all the cream cheese I can eat, I always fantasize about just laying back with this perfect fantasy person, still shuddering, and staring deeply into each other’s eyes and discussing worldly things like intelligent people do. You know, things like animal rights, local economics, or even the Culvert County Sheriff’s Election in November.
I’m running, you know.
Wait, what am I saying?
Of course you know.
You know everything.
This article was paid for by Culvert County Dairy Farmers For Warren Brick For Sheriff In 2019.