Red-eyed and sneezing local man D. Randall Everend, a reporter with The Brown Valley Observer, told reporters from The Brown Valley Observer that he “showed (his) ass up to work today, unlike that lazy shit Larry, in spite of the worst fucking allergy bullshit in the history of man”. Reporter friends close to the reporter report that the reporter seems like he gives even less of a shit about his job today than usual.
With grass and tree pollen counts climbing across the Mid-Atlantic, even some regular allergy medication users can become overwhelmed, turning allergy-suffering assholes like Everend into more apathetic and easily irritated pieces of shit than usual.
“I know, I know, all I have to do is turn in a couple of articles,” the reporter told reporters, rolling his eyes. “But everything is snot right now. Just snot, snot, snot. Hot, bubbling snot hissing and popping away right behind my sinuses. This really eats it.”
“Now, do you think you guys can leave me alone so I can go hate life by myself for a few minutes?” the reporter told reporters before reportedly storming off to his cubicle.
Asked in his cubicle if he had any story leads, the reporter reported to reporters that he had seen several reports that he planned to report on but was really having trouble breaking out of a very repetitious pattern of repetitiously patterned thinking.
Everend then told reporters that they’d get his articles whenever he was “good and goddamn ready” and reiterated his desire to be alone before reportedly pushing the reporters out of his cubicle and moving a file cabinet in front of the door. Almost immediately, Everend was reported by a co-worker for a fire code violation, and after speaking at length with the floor manager and the office fire-marshal-in-chief, the reporter was made to move the obstruction from the doorway.
Asked moments later if he felt that the allergies were going to affect his job today, Everend responded by asking reporters, “What do you fucking think?”
“Plus, the bong hit I wheezed my way through out in the car during my smoke break really sapped my motivation,” the red-eyed reporter reported.
“Now didn’t I tell you guys to stay the fuck out of my cubicle?”
No doctors contacted in researching this article could confirm Everend’s claim that his condition was “the worst fucking allergy bullshit in the history of man.”
Everend declined comment on the findings.
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