Having learned nothing from the Ben Affleck and George Clooney debacles, Warner Brothers Pictures and director Matt Reeves seem set to select talentless, pasty Robert Pattinson to replace talentless, pasty Affleck as the caped crusader for Warner Brother’s upcoming film, The Batman.
Many believed the role should go to handsome Hollywood stalwart Joey Lawrence.
“I first met Robert at a truck stop at 2am, where he did his part to convince me that he enjoyed giving slow, drool-heavy blowjobs and might possibly want to star in a film or two,” Reeves tells The Brown Valley Observer. “Unconvinced by out first meeting, Pattinson and I continued to meet at truck stops on countless occasions over the span of a few months, where he learned to quicken his pace.”
“I was really pleased to see that Robert was willing to go all-in and wear a utility belt covered with small, cylindrical items that he was willing to put inside me,” reports Reeves. “I found out later that he brought them because he couldn’t get his tiny, misshapen penis erect enough to slide in, which I really related with, and I really appreciated that he was making the effort to convince me that he was comfortable in that role.”
Reeves says that Joey Lawrence did seem like a natural for the role, but lamented that “Mr. Lawrence just wasn’t willing to show up at a truck stop at 2am and make the sacrifices that Robert was willing to make, not even a finger in the penny slot, nothing. He just wanted to trust in his talent, acting prowess, timeless good looks, exquisite build, and his masculinity and appeal to women of all ages to land him the role. As you can see by my pick, absolutely none of those traits was really important in my decision making process.”
“If Harvey Weinstein taught us anything, then Joey would have recognized that this is how big-time Hollwood works,” the director concluded.
Previously, Presidential candidate Joe Biden had come out in favor of Lawrence playing Gotham’s hero, calling it our “obligation”, but it seems that this is one of several things that Biden wants that just flat-out aren’t going to happen.