Caught in an early morning shower in spite of a mostly dry forecast, dripping wet President Donald Trump told reporters Thursday that he feels that The Weather Channel is “very fake news” and that he plans to trust his bunions for future forecasts.
The soaked leader quipped to reporters outside of the White House, “I didn’t realize that the Weather Service is in cahoots with CNN.”
“Isn’t this the proof that we need that the National Weather Service is all washed up?” the President asked. “I mean, we’ve always kind of known, haven’t we? With all this talk about global warming and climate change or whatever they’re calling it this week? Really! When I went to bed last they were calling for almost no chance of rain, but today we find out that apparently the chances were much better than they led us to believe. It’s very unsettling to know that they can’t just give us an honest forecast.”
The president further described his disgust and disappointment that National Weather Service employees are put into a trusted position by average Americans, only to have them “lie and lie again, big league.”
“The fake news Wacky Weather Channel is always trying to lull you into a false sense of security with these dry forecasts and fire-tornado videos that seem to only happen somewhere that I am not. I remember a couple of years ago they were trying to convince me that a hurricane couldn’t effect me when I was campaigning in Wisconsin. Even though it didn’t, how was I to know? The more I learn, the less likely I am to believe the Weather Service, and the more people in Green Bay should brace when they see these storms racing towards the coast.”
The well-hydrated Republican told reporters, “It’s a shame when my body knows more than all of these satellites and models and so-called scientists can tell you. I could feel the rain coming in my bunions when I got up, there was this dull throbbing sensation, but I guess I got what was coming to me for trusting the mainstream fake news media over my own gut and my own reliable feet. My feet are reliable, let me tell you. I have maybe the most reliable feet in all of America, certainly more reliable than the fake news Wacky Weather Channel.”
He further described a nerve twitch that he gets in his groin whenever snow is coming, and a stabbing pain that he gets in one of his pus-filled lesions whenever there are fire tornados nearby.
“Maybe I need to focus more in this area,” the president said. “My bunion forecasts are so accurate, maybe the most accurate ever. The American people need to get information like this from a source they can trust, not all this very fake news.”