(Editor’s note: Today’s opinion comes to us from Landon Leibowitz of Tom’s River, New Jersey.)
It’s not exactly a state secret that I’m not much of a country music fan. In fact, I remind people of it anytime I hear them bring country music up in conversation. Not that I’ve listened to much country music or anything, I always figured that was a stone better left unturned. My dad listens to country music and he’s a boomer piece of crap, so why would I? As far as I’ve always known, pop music is where the stars were always going to be on the cutting edge of what’s going on, and a man like myself — right on the cusp of my sexual maturity — needed that added sexual thrust of hot sweaty bodies and dirty little innuendos.
So, imagine my surprise when I overheard my dad listening to a country song with a sultry, angelic voice saying something about making her browneye blue.
Curiosity? Definitely piqued!
I asked my dad, and he told me her name was Crystal Gayle, so I went straight to Google and did due diligence with an image search, which is how I’ve found every other musical artist of whom I am a fan.
Wow! I was not anticipating that country music would have such a vixen in their ranks, especially one who was practically begging in song to have her nethermost parts rankled. The long, beautiful hair and the way her sweater falls across her delicious looking … well, to say the least, as I am a man of obviously similar sexual tastes to Ms. Gayle, I would gladly offer my services in the “making her browneye blue” department.
Man, I can’t wait until I can find a girlfriend!
Make no mistake, I have always been sure that there were a few totally baggable country singers like Taylor or Miley but I figured that they all crossed over to the pop scene, and I always figured it was a safe assumption that pop music is where all the hot chicks who like to bang ended up.
Now, I’m not a complete buffoon. I recognize that this Crystal Gayle lady is getting on in years but, you know, the whole thing got me to thinking … if there had been one undeniable tigress just hiding out like that in country music singing about making her browneye blue like she’s the precursor to Cardi B, then certainly there must be many, many more country girls out there that are just pining for a guy just like me to jack their ruby starfruits right up.
So, I Googled “hot bimbo country singers” like any perfectly reasonable 22 year old American male would, and I simply couldn’t believe my eyes at the verifiable bounty that I had been denying myself all this time. Country music is a goldmine of sultry, sexy young girls! I mean, I’ve always known that I’d love to get Taylor Swift alone in my Honda Civic, but I had never imagined it could be quite like this!
So, I spent the next few hours frantically searching through Google images. There I discovered Lindsay Ell, Maren Morris, Bebe Rexha, Rae Lyn, Danielle Bradberry, Kacey Musgraves, Lucy Hale, Jessie James Decker and many, many more! I looked for their nude shots, their bikini photos, lingerie photos, nipple slips, and upskirt photos, and let me tell you, the whole experience really changed my outlook. As my heart raced looking at country singer after sexy country singer, I started realizing that I’d been a fool my whole life to deny myself the pleasure of country music.
In fact, I now consider myself one of country music’s biggest fans.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Outside of part of that browneye song, I have yet to actually listen to any of these hot country artists, but if I’m being completely fair, I couldn’t tell you a Katy Perry song from a Lady Gaga song, either. Yet, I have every curve and swell of Katy Perry’s amazing body memorized down to the very beads of perspiration that I’ve observed coming off of her during particular performances.
That’s because Katy Perry has what it takes to sell music to a man of my discerning tastes.
And, now I can finally see that country music has what it takes, too.
I guess you can say that I’ve evolved.
My dad is still a piece of boomer crap, though.