Presidential hopeful Beto O’Rourke rebooted his campaign this week with an impromptu speech at a Little Rock diner, admitting that he’d come across as aloof and lacking in authenticity in the past, and announcing that he had decided to lose the skateboard image and take his campaign off in a new direction.
“I admit that I came across as kind of pandering to particular crowds, and the whole punk thing was kind of a ruse, I haven’t been anything like that in decades. I know it came off kind of lame, and I’m sure a lot of the punk kids thought I was a poseur,” O’Rourke confessed to diner patrons.
“But, I’m not going to sell that anymore. It’s not me. I’m not little Bobby O’Rourke playing in a artsy punk band in high school. I’ve moved on in life, and it’s time that I’m upfront with you so that I don’t come across as inauthentic. I am now Cthulhu’s Throne, the lord of darkness, feaster of flesh and sovereign enforcer of pestilence, and I have come for the skins and souls of all Americans! Hail! Hail! Hail!”
Leaping back and forth across the diner’s counter, the candidate snarled and screeched his way through what appeared to be a campaign speech, thrashing his head about, thrusting his pelvis and praising various dark underlords as he spoke.
“Some people are calling me a dark horse candidate, but I just want them to know that I consider myself the black corpse candidate!” the Texas politician announced at one point before throwing up devil horns and hissing at the confused bystanders.
One diner patron said that Cthulhu’s Throne’s presentation was “very interesting” but that she was still unclear on much of what the candidate had said.
“He sure screamed and growled and panted and flicked his tongue around a lot,” the woman told reporters.
Diner owner Raleigh Stevens had a mixed view on the candidate’s impromptu appearance at the diner, saying “I have no idea who the hell that was, but he sure seemed passionate about swords and death and fucking corpses and eating my eyelids and all that stuff. That said, I don’t think the boy has a dang bit of respect for health codes, dancing and flailing around on my dang countertop like that.”