Report: Prior to entering race, campaign advised Joe Biden against wearing a “molestache”

An insider to the Joe Biden For President 2020 campaign revealed that before Biden began campaigning prior to formally entering the race, an eventual member of the campaign staff had to advise Biden against wearing a “molestache” on the campaign trail.
A molestache, or molester-style mustache, is most usually a broom-style mustache popularized by 1970s stereotypes of alternative sexual lifestyles. While less popular in many social circles, the style has been able to maintain popularity among clergy and in the business-professional and child molesting communities.

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While no photos of Biden’s molestache have leaked, our crack team of MSPaint users was able to render this very realistic depiction of Joe Biden with a molester-style mustache

“You couldn’t imagine my surprise when Joe met with me sporting this big molester mustache,” the staffer told one reporter. “The first thing I say is, you know, ‘you have to shave that thing off, Joe,’ but Joe was very proud of it and said he thought that facial hair was ‘hip’ and insisted it would help him appeal to the younger crowd he is trying to reach.”
The staffer reports that Joe strutted around, stroking the mustache with a two-fingered spreading motion and saying, “Don’t hassle the ‘stache!”
“I explained to him what that type of mustache represents in … well, 2019, and I tried to explain to him what people will certainly say and he was still just sauntering about and stroking that thing like he was some macho package. Honestly, it was making a lot of the women around the office feel very uncomfortable. So, I tried again and I showed him some YouTube videos of himself and he still sat there stroking that molestache like it was a Congressman’s daughter. It was only by a dumb stroke of luck that I found him passed out across his desk two days later and took a hair clipper to it.”
“Joe really lacked self-awareness on the issue,” said the staffer.
Biden was reportedly upset about the “mustache incident” but agreed to keep it shaved in order to keep staffers on board. A friend reports that Biden continues to disagree with the staffers’ opinions, insisting that “if I could have worn that mustache and touched just one young lady’s … you know, life, then it would have all been worth it.”

 

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