An incel scientist from Brown Valley Community College released a study Thursday asserting that people who stay at home on the weekend are superior in appearance and intelligence to the STD-riddled social crowd.
Scientist Jeremy Little said that in his findings, people who stay at home on the weekend were “more physically gifted” in that they did not require intoxicants to appear attractive to potential suitors or even conversationalists.
“Imagine needing ‘beer goggles’ to find someone who has herpes, chlamydia, or hepatitis,” Little — who has never even been close to getting laid — told The Brown Valley Observer. “Seems like that would be just as easy to locate sober, maybe easier.”
“It seems to me that what these people — particularly, these women — really need is someone who can stimulate their minds instead of just some big-dicked steel worker who can only stimulate their genitalia,” Little moaned. “They could find much better partners by just hanging out on Facebook on the weekend waiting for an intellectual superior — like myself, for example — to post some articles from Scientific American or a nice, refreshing pictorial from a travel journal. There, they can meet someone who’d be nice to invite out for a nice Sunday brunch without the immediate expectancy of sexual intercourse.”
“Even though I’m certain intercourse would certainly be appreciated,” Little stressed.
The report adds that males who stay at home are “usually much nicer” than the males who frequent trashy establishments, and that the women who frequent those types of dives “deserve much better than those types of broodish ogres” and could get it “if only they respected themselves a little more”.
Little’s report also determined that the stay-at-home crowd is much better suited to supporting another person, both emotionally and financially, and that there were indications that shut-ins could potentially be better, more sensitive lovers than the “bar crowd” if they were just given the chance.
“It just doesn’t make any logical sense to me how women can get stuck with these brawny, drunken asshole types with a report like this staring them right in the face like this,” the virgin scientist concluded.
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