Dallas District Attorney John Creuzot has come under fire for a series of criminal justice reforms that include ending the prosecution of speeding drivers who really, really needed to take a shit at the time they were pulled over.
“These reforms are targeted at reducing the number of incarcerations for low-level and non-violent, lifestyle related crimes,” said Creuzot. “Certainly, in an instance where someone is speeding — even recklessly speeding, 20 miles over — to get themselves to an appropriate toilet accommodation, I feel that is a lifestyle related emergency, not a crime. As a society, we’ve generally agreed that in certain circumstances, emergency vehicles are allowed to exceed the speed limit in certain areas. In the eyes of the law, there can be no significant difference between an unmarked cruiser, for example, and Jill P. Citizen’s Volvo when she’s pinching a fat turd back before it emerges from between her buttcheeks.”
Creuzot surmised that “so long as a shit-crazed driver is outside of a residential area or a school zone, I cannot see where a crime has been committed until an actual accident occurs involving that driver and another driver or pedestrian. If anything, an officer pulling that driver to the side of the road in what amounts to an emergency situation is an inconvenience to the driver, who is wincing in pain trying to hold all that warm brown butter inside, as opposed to the driver being an inconvenience to the community.”
District Attorney Creuzot made a budgetary suggestion to help accommodate the proposed shift in policy.
“I’ve recommended that the Dallas Police allot $225 towards buying enough Folgers cans so that every officer can carry one in case of driver emergency. Or, alternately, to allot $2200 into Folgers coffee that the departments can enjoy and then use the empty cans afterwards.”
“Really, that’s the very least we can do for inconveniencing our most vulnerable citizens in a time of such dire emergency. That’s how we can best serve and protect those citizens, not levying $250 to $600 fines.”
The new policy reportedly also aims to reduce the number of petty-theft prosecutions, as well as attempting to dramatically reduce prosecuting drug possession cases where the District Attorney’s office determines that the suspect had just enough in their possession for maintenance buzzes and not enough “to get totally high off their ass”.