These are Brown Valley Observer’s 2019 MLB Predictions, based on predictions by D.R. Everend.
D.R. Everend works at the Brown Valley Observer sportsdesk.
None of these predictions should be used as the basis for actual betting purposes.
AL East: The Red Sox are coming off their 4th championship in 14 years, and amazingly the last generation of baseball fans have only seen this franchise as a winner. Make no mistake, though, this team could go back to rattling off 86 straight stinkers at any time. Look for the Sox in 2019 to extend Mookie Betts’ contract two weeks before Betts suffers a season-ending ankle injury.
The storied Yankees franchise have won an amazing 27 championships, including 5 that their fanbase can remember between week-long benders. Secretly, their fans hope that they stop at 5 because they need the fingers on their other hand to hold their beer. A flurry of high profile signings has the fans worried, but don’t worry New York … if anyone can find a way to fuck this up, it’s Aaron Boone.
The Tampa Bay Rays will sign ageless Bartolo Colon to a $2 million dollar deal in May, making it officially the second most valuable contract ever retained by the team.
With 115 losses in 2018, the Orioles set the bar high for the 2019 squad. Make no mistake, the Orioles can go as far as slugger Chris Davis can take them, and he usually has to duck into the lockers and take a big shit right around the fourth inning.
Notice how no one really talks about the Toronto Blue Jays? They’re not under the radar or anything. It’s just that they’re Canadians and no one cares.
Wait, did we just pick the Yankees to win the AL East?
Shit shit shit shit shit.
AL Central: It’s been a race to the bottom in the Central for years now, with the Indians being just mediocre enough to outlast the lackluster division. But that’s all changed, as Minnesota made enough moves in the offseason to also become mediocre. It’s enough to make even the most dedicated baseball fan turn the channel and watch a Melissa & Joey marathon.
Pick: John Cena by pinfall in 8 minutes, 55 seconds.
AL West: In spite of the Angels extension to Mike Trout and Oakland’s surprising 2018, the Astros really supported their case to repeat as division champions by extending Justin Verlander this spring, then really surprised everyone by announcing that not only had they offered Verlander’s wife Kate Upton an ownership stake in the franchise, but also that Upton hopes to move the team to Miami. Pay no mind to the fact that there’s already a team in Miami, this is sure to provide the team with plenty of motivation in the clubhouse and lots of chuckles along the way.
The Rangers lost Bartolo Colon and got worse, setting a unique baseball precedent. In the meantime, the Mariners had a sneaky good offseason that should make them serious contenders until around the 6th inning of Opening Day.
Pick: Houston wins the horniest race in all of MLB.
NL East: The big news this offseason is that the Phillies stocked up, adding Bryce Harper, Andrew McCutchen, Bryce Harper, a weight-room, and an insurmountable burden to their fanbase.
The 2018 Division Champion Braves are set to regress after ownership reminded players this spring that they are still the Atlanta Braves and while they might be good enough to do pretty well, it’s against team rules for them to do that well.
Don’t you hate it when a writer just glosses over the team from New York?
Well, here we are, mentioning them.
Pick: Even without Bryce Harper, the Nationals still have enough pitching to lose in the first round of the playoffs.
NL Central: Lots of new additions made their way into a stacked Central this season. Goldschmidt to the Cardinals may have been impressive, but Pittsburgh really shook the division up in the offseason, trading for a new refrigerator for the locker room and signing two new beer vendors, one for section 123, and another for 210. While they didn’t address the need for updated scoreboard graphics, PNC still looks like it’s ready to wow fans in 2019. Owner Bob Nutting assured fans that they also plan to return a team of at least 9 players to the field to break up the monotony between perogie races.
After getting more in touch with his feelings than ever, Cubs manager Joe Maddon is poised to focus more on himself than ever and is expected to abandon the team emotionally by mid-May. He’ll stop accompanying the team to the field altogether by July, choosing to stay in the locker room and write haiku in a glitter-backed journal.
Newcomer Yasiel Puig will be a big hit with the Reds until he suffers a laceration wound outside a Cincinnati BBQ joint. No charges will be filed.
Ending an outdated baseball taboo, no less than 3 members of the Milwaukee Brewers will come out of the closet in 2019, leaving Americans in the heartland to wonder how in the hell something like that even got past them. This will also create a serious disruption to Las Vegas “gay” betting lines, which have the Yankees and Blue Jays at even odds while the Brewers are sitting at 25-1.
It’s always those mid-westerners.
Pick: Cardinals, even though we really kind of blew past them here. They’re good, but like most things in flyover country, they’re not in the least compelling.
NL West: Let’s be honest, the NL West gives the impression that their rosters are mainly full of a lot of beach bums and spoiled stoners but really, it’s worse that that. The over/under for domestic abuse cases in the West this season is 4, and to help pad the stats, the Dodgers will probably trade for Addison Russell in July. Manny Machado’s debut in San Diego will be spoiled when he installs a mirror in his locker and fails to make it to the field for any games in July.
Pick: Rockies lose a one-game playoff to WWE Champion Brock Lesnar. The Wild Card game will be Lesnar’s first game of the season. No one will even ask how the hell that worked out.
World Series: After getting past the Wild Card Boston Red Sox in the Division round and John Cena in the League Championship series, the Yankees will square off with WWE Champion Brock Lesnar, who is a no-show for the playoffs but still manages to trick both Washington and St. Louis into forfeiting to help Brock advance to World Series.
To everyone’s surprise, the Baltimore Orioles come out from under the mat in a decisive Game Seven and attack the Yankees with a steel chair and score the pin, leading Rob Manfred and Vince McMahon to announce a three-way title match at WrestleMania 36 between the Orioles, Yankees and Lesnar.