Dr. Kirger’s 12 tips for checking yourself for hemorrhoids

It’s a topic no one really knows how to talk about.
You know the one.
The regular hemmorhoid check.
Dr. Randall Kirger, a departmental head at Culvert Community College, knows exactly how uncomfortable it can be.”We’ve all been there, curious but a little uncomfortable the first time that we have to give ourselves a hemmorhoid check. But it’s never too soon to check; just because you’re not in pain yet doesn’t mean you can’t have something happening back there,” Kirger reports.
“Whether you’re giving yourself a daily check for hemorrhoids or a variety of other reasons, including prostate checks or hyperhidrosis, you need to know what you’re getting involved with so that you get the most out of the experience. Since no one, including your doctor, really wants to talk to you about inserting your fingers into the ol’ brown valley, you’re going to be on your own. So, I put together this quick 12 point checklist of things you should be prepared for and what you should be looking to find in a basic hemorrhoid check so that even a neophyte can do it with ease and comfort.”

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Dr. Kirger’s Hemorrhoid Check Tips:

1) Shame is not an excuse. Do not be afraid to put your finger in a little way. It’s generally unnecessary to go past the first knuckle, but you might consider going a little deeper to check for deeper hemorrhoids, prostate issues, anal seepage, or a host of other issues. Regardless, the fact is you need to go in at least a little. It’s ok, literally everyone does it every now and then. They just don’t talk about it or paint graffiti on the sides of trains about it.
2) Find a private spot. Generally, you only want to check yourself for hemorrhoids when you are not in public for a variety of reasons. Once you’re in a secluded place, you can slip your finger in at your leisure just far enough to find your private spot.
Now, there you go.
Feels nice, doesn’t it?
See why we started out by finding a secluded place?
3) Sniffing your finger after a hemorrhoid check is entirely unnecessary, but it never hurts to practice. Finger-smelling has become a popular guessing game in many pretty-sure-they’re-heterosexual male collectives.
4) Only take advice from a medical professional. For example, I am a professor of Women’s Studies, and hardly qualified to give you an informed medical opinion about your b-hole.
5) Wait, this is just an article about putting your finger in your butt, isn’t it?
6) No, it’s not.
7) Yes, it is! That’s exactly what it is! You’re just trying to trick me into putting my finger in my butt! I should have known!
8) Are you out of your mind? I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about! I’m a professional here trying to help people! Are you suggesting that you’re better informed on proper hemorrhoid check procedures than I am?
9) Well, no, but …
10) Yeah, that’s what I thought! Now, can you please just let me continue?
11) Yes. I suppose so. I … I’m sorry.
12) OK, thank you … well, anyway, once your finger is in, it’s up to you to decide the depth of penetration, and how quickly you move your finger back and forth.

Dr Randall Kirger is a 1996 graduate of tenminutedegrees.com and a tenured professor of Women’s Studies at Culvert Community College.

2 comments

  1. Hi want to examine my boyfriend’s hemorrhoids. But alas, we wont let me slip my fingers, I mean finger in him. Any suggestions on how to get him to trust me?

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    1. I am merely a reporter, but because I m concerned for those in my community I placed a call to Dr. Kirger and he says he can give you a referral to a Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable who might be able to write you a prescription that can help you with this issue.

      Like

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