CLEARWATER, Florida — While the internet filled with “jealous Bryce” memes, sources around the Phillies spring facilities in Clearwater on Tuesday report that Bryce Harper took the news about Mike Trout’s record-shattering $430 million contract extension with the Angels better than expected, telling friends that he is “not salty at all about that motherfucker’s contract.”
“I am so, so fucking happy for him, let me tell you,” Harper reportedly said with tears of joy in his eyes. “Oh, you’d better believe this bullshit! Oh man … just … you know? I could absolutely shit for the guy. I. Am So. Fucking. Happy. For. Him!”
“You know, he earned it, didn’t he?” Harper told friends, obviously emotional for Trout, with whom he has been closely associated since their respective rookie seasons in 2012. “I mean, you ask anybody who the best is, and they’ll tell you it’s Mike. Mike, Mike, Mike, they tell you. It’s like, well yeah, Bryce, you’re pretty good, but Mike, he’s the best.”
Teammates said Harper seemed near hysterical with excitement for Trout’s future, excitedly telling anyone within earshot during a mid-morning workout, “You know what? He can have it! Just … every fucking bit of it! Take it and do whatever the fuck he wants. I hope he has a blast, you know? Time of his fucking life! Brag to all his fucking suntanned California friends about that bullshit, you know? You know what? You know what? I just can’t fucking make myself care anymore!“
Brown Valley Observer 