Disgusting! Scandal reveals students deceptively admitted into colleges their wealthy families could afford

50 people, including celebrities Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin, were charged Tuesday in connection with a “cheating ring” that helped the children of wealthy and influential people get into elite schools that only affluent and influential parents can actually afford.

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OMG Lori and Felicity will have to apologize on Twitter! How embarrassing!

Americans on social media responded with shock and surprise to find that the system had been gamed to favor admissions for the offspring of the wealthy. Before now, it was generally assumed that the children of celebrities all made it into Ivy League schools because they’re all supergeniuses, and because they totally deserve it since their parents are rich and/or famous.

“Until now, there was no real reason to even be suspicious,” one poor parent — whose unfortunate child only attended a state university — posted on Twitter.

“It’s really discouraging to students looking to get into the best colleges to know that the admissions system has been gamed so that some spots at those schools could go to children of people who could actually afford the tuition and room and board required to attend those particular schools. It sets a horrible precedent. Those spots should only go to the best students who meet the highest standards, provided that those students also meet the racial profiles required to meet federal quota standards for minority admissions.,” said Charles Blumpkin, a Tennessee lawyer often called upon in civil rights and affirmative action cases.

The United States Department of Education was equally shocked.

“The various loan programs we run, by design, mean that the financial standing of the applicant need not be of significance in admissions. It’s completely unnecessary for universities to admit students based upon their parents’ ability to pay for the service. The United States Government created and approved this totally sustainable model of loans and grants so that anyone can attend any school they like. We’re all about helping families. There’s no longer a need for parents to have any money at all, we’ll gladly hand a 17-year old $120,000 per year to attend an Ivy League school,” said USDOE spokesman Jimmy Knuckles.

“We’ll get it all back, with only minor inconvenience surcharges to the taxpayer, and we’ll keep the debtors close until they pay up” Knuckles said. “We have our ways.”

“There’s really no need to game the system. The Man provides. Just trust us.”

In the meantime, Loughlin and Huffman are expected to issue social media apologies later this week and make meager donations to an appropriate foundation as penance for their crimes. It’s undetermined how or even whether these extremely wealthy women will ever recover from this inconvenience.

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